Page 38 of My Noble Disgrace


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At the wall, we headed north, staying close to its stones as we searched for a sign of the aqueducts, using the wall’s shadow to our advantage in case guards patrolled the battlements above. The air gradually warmed as the sun rose. The light made me feel more exposed than I preferred, but I ached for the warmth and light. I’d been shivering ever since our icy swim.

We kept walking along the gradually curving wall of the circular city until I saw something promising: a rocky path broke the grass ahead, like a stream bed with only a trickle of water flowing through it.

And there at the base of the wall was an opening in the stone.

“Look!” I ran toward it.

Cait stayed quiet as she followed, her feet dragging.

I crouched, peering through the round tunnel. It was small—possibly too small, but at least there wasn’t much water. It was made of the same stone as the wall, and it smelled musty but reminiscent of rain—a scent that would’ve been appealing if it wasn’t a reminder of my near death in these aqueducts, complete with the memory of a human skull staring back at me.

People did die in these tunnels.

I shuddered, pulling back.

Cait hesitantly arrived at my side, crouching beside me, her mouth set in an obvious frown. She touched the stone, then pulled back with a gasp. “Mara,” she began, her voice quiet, “I don’t think I can do this.”

“I know the entrance is tight, but it widens after a few feet. I think we can make it,” I said.

Her eyes stared blankly forward. “It’s not just that. It’severything. The stone. The smell. The darkness.”

“It’s our best option,” I said. “It’s better than climbing the wall, isn’t it?”

“It’s not only the danger,” said Cait. “It’swhereit will take us. I thought maybe I could go in if it meant helping you, but . . . now that I’m here, I feel paralyzed.” She huddled over, her hands rubbing her arms to soothe herself.

“You don’t want to stay with me?”

“Don’t say it likethat,” she said. “I honestly don’t think my body will let me go.”

“Okay,” I said, trying to feign calmness. “So, what will you do? Stay here?” I asked.

“I don’t know, but I keep thinking of Lachlan and how we left him bleeding on the shore! I don’t even know if he’s okay and it’s eating me alive.”

I knew what it was like to leave Graham injured on Tramore and I’d chosen to go back to him over every other option. Still, I couldn’t help but push back, even if it was only out of the selfish desire to keep Cait with me.

“I’ll bet you anything Lachlan’s okay. My aunt, Elin, treated my gunshot wound. She’s amazing at healing wounds and she even has this medicine that can fight infection. In no time he’ll be as healthy as Graham—chopping wood, roasting fish, living the life.” I failed to hide the pain in my voice as I spoke. Thinking of Graham doing just fine without me—preferring life without me—hadn’t begun hurting any less.

“Until I see him again, I’ll worry about him night and day,” said Cait.

“Cait,” I faced her, hating the sound of desperation in my voice. “I could really use your help. If our roles were reversed, I’d stay with you!”

“You don’t understand,” she said, her voice hollow. “Everything about this tunnel repels me. It feels all wrong.”

My breath caught as I watched the way her hands gripped her arms, the way her eyes glazed over in horror as if panic were beginning to take hold. She meant it. I couldn’t persuadeher when she was in the grip of something that had far more influence over her than I did.

The thought of going on alone terrified me. I usually felt confident operating on my own, but that was when I’d had a plan—and back when I’d trusted myself. Now everything felt impossible and overwhelming. There were no solutions to be found. No map to follow.

“You’ve helped me more than I can ever pay back, and I’m so grateful,” said Cait. “I hope you can understand that now I need to be free.”

I nodded, suppressing my fears. As much as I didn’t want to do this alone, I had no right to argue. This was her choice to make.

I realized that I, too, still had a choice. I didn’thaveto go back into the city. At the moment, I was free—or something like it. Not free to roam the city, of course, but if I could avoid capture, the world was at my fingertips. And it might’ve been a far bigger world than I’d been told.

Like Cait, I craved freedom.

I longed to sail to new shores and leave behind this broken kingdom.

I had no power here. My attempts to keep people safe, to prevent war, or even to free Graham had backfired and only made things worse.

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