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“Of course,” he whispers, running his palm along my jaw. “Ialwayshave.”
I exhale, unsure what to do with that kind of confession.
My mind races through all of the major events of my life since he left. It was like everything I did was just me going through the motions. School, college,getting married. In retrospect, all of the color in my world faded away the day he was no longer by my side.
“What are you thinking about?” London asks, breaking through my internal chatter. His expression is so serious, that it makes my heart trip a beat.
Tears well in my eyes when I confess, “I think I always have, too.”
A huge grin breaks across his features and he frames my face with his hands. “Lily, that’s great. That—”
“But, I can’t—I can’t do this, London.” I break from his hold and drop my gaze, no longer able to look into the intensity of his eyes. It’s like looking into the sun. “I’m not that kind of person. I never should have let things get this far.”
Silence expands between us and when I finally venture a glance, the expression that greets me breaks my heart into pieces.
“So, you’re not …” his voice is barely above a whisper and he reminds me of the child I used to know. He swallows hard. “Are you saying you’re not willing to …”
“I don’t know—” I blurt out, swallowing hard. “I’m confused and I need some time to sort things out.”
“Oh,” he whispers, his shoulders dropping. “I understand.”
Despite his words, his face tells a very different story.
“I’m sorry, London. I need to go.” Before I can talk myself out of it, I stand up and rush to the elevator.
He doesn’t try to follow me or call me back.
I don’t know whether to be thankful or sad about that fact.
Instead, I focus on the elevator and making sure I hit the right button. Then, I slam my eyes closed so I don’t have to face his devastating expression.
When the door closes, the tears start falling.
I want to believe London.
I want to believe I have choices.
That I could choose him.
I want to believe we have a future.
That we could find some kind of a life together.
But the fact is, I’m still married.
And until that changes, I can never,everlet something like this happen again.
No matter how desperately I wish it could.
CHAPTER23
London
I’m going to be sick.
Physically sick.
Right here on the roof of the club.
