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I do, now. And just in time to lose it.
Just in time to lose her.
Chapter Twenty-One
Kat
“Thanks again, Lil,” I say, trying to keep my voice and face and body language as calm and casual as possible. It’s not exactly easy. I’ve never tried to hide from my best friend the fact that I’m about to use sensitive intelligence to kill the man who is trying to kill me. “I really appreciate it. I’ll have her back to you first thing tomorrow.” I pat the steering wheel of her sporty, cute little VW bug. Not exactly the covert ops vehicle I thought I’d be stealing away into the night in, but hell—when your car is in the shop, you can’t exactly be a beggar. “And thanks for picking me up, I know it’s a pain in the ass, the farmhouse being so far out of the way.”
“Oh, please, it’s no issue. I’m up all hours of the night these days, anyway.” She’s leaning in the driver’s side window, and we’re parked outside of her apartment. I’m itching to go, every second I waste is another second Aleks or Yuri or any of the others might catch on that I’m gone, and come after me. “Look…Kat. I know you like to be the hero, and like, take care of yourself and never ask for help and everything—but…are you sure you’re OK?”
There was no way of hiding my beaten face. And my getup—the same jeans, hunting jacket and hiking boots as this afternoon—doesn’t help but call attention to me. Add to that the black beanie, scarf, and gloves I’m wearing, and I look pretty fit for a robbery.Although, the shiny green Bug doesn’t look like the most James Bond getaway car, does it?
“I’m good, I swear,” I say, half impressed at my ability to lie so easily, and to my own best friend. But it’s in her own interest. Maybe that’s what makes it roll right off the tongue. “Anyway, I should go—I’ll see you in the morning, OK?”
“Kat,” she says again, more firmly. “Look, you can tell me anything. You know that, right?”
“Of course.”
“I know you said it’s nothing, but…there’s been word around town. That you might be hanging out with some…I don’t know, like, rough people.” Lillia is pale, grimacing as she hovers outside the driver’s door. I can tell she’s having trouble spitting the words out. “Look, did you hear about that shooting earlier this week, at the Airbnb? And then the fire?”
I stare at her, my skin crawling. I don’t trust myself to speak, so I simply shake my head.
“A bunch of guys were killed, and the place was set on fire,” she says. “The cops shut it down really fast, they said it was some cartel shit and had to do with the Canadian border…”
“I’m sure it did, then,” I say, hearing all too well the stiffness in my own voice. “Look. Lil. I swear I’m OK. Don’t you think I would tell you if I wasn’t?”
“I don’t know. I love you, you know I love you—but you also know that I know you. And sometimes, you think you do better when you’re suffering alone.” She reaches through the open window and grips my hand. The gesture, I think, is meant to be comforting. But her grip is hard, and her hands are cold. And when her eyes meet mine, they’re wide with worry. “I do trust you, you know that.”
I feel tears prick at the backs of my eyes. Because this is it—the last person I haven’t damaged or endangered with my life or behavior. And now I can throw her in along with my son, my mom, and my brother.I need to deal with this. Tonight. Now. Right now.
“I’ll see you in the morning,” I tell Lillia, and she retreats when I begin to back out, her expression a little stung.
“Be careful, Kat,” she says, and I hate the tenor of desperation in her voice, like all she’s trying to do is save me from myself.
Is that so off? It doesn’t matter. I can’t afford to be scared now, or sorry. I need to finish this. Because I don’t trust Aleks to. Or if I do…I don’t want to. I only trust myself. And if I die finishing this—so fucking be it. I’m tired of being scared. All I’ve been doing for the last four years is running. Running from Aleks, and from the truth; running from my feelings for a man I knew, deep down, was a monster.
This ends tonight. One way or another.
***
The safehouse Toma said Konstantin would be at tonight is a strange little hovel, a kind of log cabin that clearly hasn’t been in use for years. It’s far outside of the city, over an hour away from even the farmhouse. As I begin to draw toward it in the first early hours of morning, the second thoughts start to set in, lapping up in my mind like cold black flames.
A fire? A bunch of bodies?A chill courses down my spine, and I grip the steering wheel a little harder. I have no doubt that Aleks is responsible. It’s more of the same, more of the crime I knew he was capable of, and had already committed in his life leading up to this. But it’s almost impossible not to picture it: him, my Aleks, blowing away a bunch of Konstantin’s men. Giving the cold order to douse the place in kerosene and set it up, blazing. The cover-up from the cops, too, is something I’m certain he negotiated. He has that kind of say. That kind of influence and money and power.
And I’d be lying if I said that didn’t scare the shit out of me.
He’s a monster,I think. I try to convince myself of this as I drive, inching closer and closer to the address. To Konstantin. To the fight that may or may not end my life.He is a criminal, and I should never look back at him, and I was wise to get the hell away from him when I did, and hide the identity of his son.I’m not as wise, I don’t think, for takingthispart of the mission on myself.
He’s notjusta monster,I think, and the cabin is coming into view. I kill my headlights, pulling off on the shoulder. From my position, I’m more or less looking down on the cabin, and can see it clearly, while whoever is inside probably doesn’t have a clear shot of me. Good. I’m planning to go down on foot, anyway.
No. Not just a monster. He’s a lover, too, and a protector, and a good man, and you know he would have made a hell of a father.I beg my brain to shut up, but the anxiety has me spinning, every thought fusing like liquid into the next, too quick, too slippery for me to get my hands around any of them. And in any case, what does it matter, after today? After what Marya said? After what they were doing?
Maybe, I want an excuse to get away from him, because I know what it would mean for us to fall in love. Maybe I’m as scared of that as I am of Konstantin.
Konstantin.I steel myself. He is the target now. He is the object of my hatred and my fear. And to protect my son, to protect myself—I will kill him tonight. Right now.
I’m pulled off onto the shoulder, but I drive even further, off the gravel and into the cover of the thick trees, until I’m not even visible to the road. Unless someone followed my tracks, too, I won’t even be visible in the daylight.Good. The last thing I need is for Aleks or Yuri or one of his men to find me.And now that it’s so late, I’m sure they’ve left the farmhouse. By now, they’ll know I’m gone. And if they’re smart, they’ll know why.
