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It’s true. The things inside of me that are missing—they can cause me to miss all the signs. The thought triggers one of those moments of indignity to rise up through one of my many fissures and, for a moment, I’m 15 again, working in an ice cream shop in the summertime, thinking that my boss admired me for and appreciated my hard work and dedication. I was starved for praise. He was interested in something else. I down the rest of my drink and try to shove the thought back down, too.
“He wasn’t for Kate, that’s all I meant by it. It’s different with you. I can tell.”
It’s kind of a weird thing to hear your friend say, but I don’t tell her that. I also don’t tell her that I think so, too.
“Well, we’ll see what happens, I guess. He’s going to San Diego for work next week and then when he gets back, he wants me to go to this fancy fundraiser thing his mom is having. I cannot tell you how much I don’t want to go.”
“Then don’t go,” Olivia says. “I mean, it’s a little bit early to be throwing the parents at you, isn’t it?”
“It is, and I guess that I could. But I kind of see it as a trial-by-fire situation. Like if we just can’t mesh then I’ll find out soon—in true, spectacular failure and it’ll be too obvious to ignore.” If that's how it's going to be, it's better to find out sooner rather than later. If I get any more emotionally invested than I already am, I'm not sure how well I'll absorb the hit.
“Or it will be fine,” Evie offers, shrugging.
“Yeah, I guess that’s one way it could go.”
“Are you worried about him being gone?” Olivia asks.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“Like—with other girls?”
“No, I’m not worried about it. I mean, what’s there to worry about? If he’s not interested in being with me anymore, he does what he wants, and I move on, I guess. I can’t control that.” What can you do, really?
“Okay, that’s…one way to answer that,” Evie says, looking alarmed. We all laugh, me a little awkwardly. “But Ruby, don’t do the self-sabotage thing, please. Okay? It’s painful. Don’t talk yourself out of this being a good thing. You deserve good things. I’ll come over tomorrow and bring some dresses you can wear to that fundraiser. You’re amazing, and no one is going to judge you.”
“Alex says I’m his quarter-life crisis. He said I’m the girl he dates before the girl he marries to try and prove some kind of point about himself.” When I stop to think about it, it makes sense.
“Oh, fuck Alex. I cannot emphasize that enough. Fuck him. We need shots.”
She doesn’t wait for my response and heads toward the bar. The night rolls on and feels like any other night, but Alex’s words still hang heavy and stagnant in the back of my mind.
It’s 2:00 AM when I get home and find Alex waiting for me. Shit. I didn’t respond to his text. Again. I’m tired and could really, really do without this encounter right now. How do you say that to someone and make it sound nice, especially when that someone is supposed to be one of your closest friends and you’ve just kind of blown them off for the past few weeks—and the same friend who just went through a traumatic break-up and is known to have abandonment issues?
Shit, maybe I’m the dick here.
“Ruby. Hey. Where have you been?” He sounds sad.
“Um, I was just out with Evie and Olivia,” I tell him.
“You left me on read.”
“Yeah, I know. Sorry. I saw your message and then I got distracted.” True.
“Okay, but—you know it’s just that I haven’t seen you in a while. And that’s weird for me because I’m used to you always being around. It turns out I’ve come to rely on it, I guess.” He runs his hands through his thick dark hair and stares up at the ceiling for a minute. His eyes are red, and he looks like he’s been drinking. Where is he going with this? “I know you’re still talking to that guy, or whatever. I’ve seen him around here. But—we’re still cool, right? Do you think I could come in and hang out for a bit? There’s just been so much going on and I’ve…really needed you.”
“Alex,” I pause. “It’s just that I’m really tired. I’m just going to go to bed. I’m sorry. What about tomorrow? Do you want to go get coffee or something?” I offer. I’m surprised at how easy it was to shut him down, and that it doesn’t feel like it was the wrong thing to do. Maybe I’m over this thing with Alex, or maybe there was never really anything there. I’m starting to wonder if maybe it was always just a convenient excuse to live a little less.
He leans in a little closer—too close—and brushes my hair behind my ear. “My friend’s band is playing again on Thursday. I know that’s usually your day off. You told me you’d go with me next time, remember?”
I nod, and it's slight. I don’t want to move much more than that. If I did, our lips might touch, and what then?
“Will you go with me?” he asks.
“Um, yeah, sure. I’ll be there.”
“Okay, cool. I’ll text you tomorrow, Ruby. Don’t try and ghost me. I know where you live.” He smiles, and it looks a bit unnatural, given how it doesn’t match what’s behind his eyes. I manage a half laugh and tell him that I won’t. He grabs a handful of my hair and kisses me on top of my head, then makes his way towards the staircase without another word.
I’m left alone in front of my door, wondering if I’d done something wrong and if agreeing to go out with him was a mistake. I mean, we weren’t going out. Alex was my friend, and one that I have spent hundreds of platonic nights with. Why should this be any different? But I had to admit, I could kind of see it now—what Evie sees in Alex. He does give me just enough to keep me right there, thinking that maybe we had a future together and imagining what that might look like. Weeks ago, I would have held onto that barely kiss. I would have fantasized about that fist full of hair. Once, he’d told me that we both just had too much baggage and we would never work out because we couldn’t lean on each other without breaking the other one. Did he still feel this way now? He had Cori. She was presumably a whole person. Maybe he had leaned on her and she had broken and now he’s changed his mind. Did it even matter anymore?
