AllFreeNovel
Share Us
We say goodbye and I’m left confused as fuck after what should have been a simple encounter—a dress drop and a high five, maybe. The funny thing is when Alex has something negative to say about Evie or Jake, it guts me, but when Evie drops shit like this about Alex on me, it doesn’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve always trusted her judgment better than my own. Maybe it’s because somewhere inside, I know she’s right about him.
Or maybe she just doesn’t get it at all. I envy her confidence and the deep love and understanding she has for herself. I’m so happy she’s in a loving relationship where she knows exactly where she stands. But maybe having all these things meant that she would never be able to understand what it was like to be me.
I look around at my shabby, festive apartment with its questionable window and designer garment bags lying on the bed and wish that, at the very least, I understood myself.
Later that night, I’m sitting on the #43 bus to Capitol Hill with Alex. He’s remarked several times how I seem too quiet, I seem off, is everything okay. Really, I don’t know. It should be, but I feel like I shouldn’t be here. Alex’s arm is draped around my shoulders, but it’s heavy and comfortable. Not for the first time, I’m wondering why he does things like this. I’ve never spent too much time questioning it, I’ve always just been grateful for it—for whatever sliver of love and affection he sent my way. Now, I’m wondering if he had been intentionally manipulative like Evie seems to think, or if it has always just been me, making big things out of small gestures for the sake of my unloved inner child, starving for whatever scraps she can get.
We get to skip the line and enter the bar—the perks of knowing the band, I guess. I’m optimistic that after a couple of drinks and some good music, I will be able to shake off the uncomfortable cloud of whatever seems to be hanging around Alex and me, as well as the uncertainty surrounding my maybe-relationship and the self-therapizing streak I’ve been on since this afternoon. So here I am, my arms crossed across my chest in discomfort, standing at the bar with Alex’s hand on the small of my back because, again, he always does this. Friends do this, don’t they? I notice the place filling up quickly and order two drinks for myself, just in case.
Despite the aforementioned discomfort, if I’m honest with myself, on any other night of my life up until a few weeks ago, this was exactly the kind of place I loved to be. Dark. Crowded. No one cares who you are or what you are doing, and you don’t care about them either—not in a bad way, but in the very best way. Not to mention, I’m here with the person that I used to think wastheperson. I should, at least, try to have a good time.
After we grab our drinks, Alex spots some of his friends from work and goes over to talk to them. I think he assumes I’ll follow, but I’m happy where I am—being a wallflower. The band comes on stage, and everyone gives them their attention for a moment. Then, they start their set, and half of them return to their conversations and what they were doing while the other half is trying to dance or something like it. The instruments are loud, maybe too loud. I know someone is singing, but I can’t hear them. I think they also may be out of breath from all the jumping. I’m not complaining. I’m entertained, and happy to bear witness to all this intensity.
It’s a good half hour before he comes and finds me. I don’t mind, not like I normally would, but would never say. I’m on my third drink and feeling better about the day, so when he asks me to dance to this crazy shit, I say yes, and we do our best. We’re laughing and sweating, and I’m generally having an excellent time, and things feel normal again. Alex is smiling instead of brooding. I don’t feel the need to close myself off. He’s spinning me until I feel like I’m going to vomit and making up ridiculous lyrics to these songs that we can’t hear just to make me laugh, and everything he does is just so damn funny, and that’s the reason why. Evie always says she doesn’t get it—why I’m friends with him, why I hang around even though I know he doesn’t feel the way I feel—or have felt—about him. He makes everything lighter, and I don’t know how he does it, because he’s battling his own darkness too. He makes me lighter, and I never have to feel broken or out of place when he’s around. It’s always just been easy.
Once we’re out of breath and I’m pretty sure there is nothing left of my makeup thanks to all the sweat pouring down my face (yuck, I hate sweating), we grab a couple more drinks and sit down with his friends. I pretend to listen to their conversations but don’t participate, instead just kind of zoning out. The band must be getting a little tired, too. They’ve switched to some slower ballads, and now I can finally hear the singer’s voice. I’m surprised to find that it’s quite beautiful, and his songs are quite sad. I wonder if the loud ones were sad, too.
“I’m going to grab a cig. Come with me,” Alex says, getting up from the table and heading toward the back door. It’s colder than I’d like for it to be, but I follow him anyway. He lights a cigarette and hands it to me before getting one for himself.
“What do you think of the band?” he asks. He isn't laughing, but his face is.
“I mean..”
“Bad, right?” He laughs this time, and so do I.
“No…no. I didn’t say that. Not bad. I think that they may have…an acoustic problem that could use some work but…real potential,” I say.
“Okay, fair. That’s a fair point,” he says.
“But you know, for the experience, the vibe, and the people watching: 10/10, man. I’d recommend it to a friend.”
“Right?!” he says. “See, that’s why I brought you—so that I could be here with someone who would be able to just appreciate the experience. Everyone at that table has found something to complain about. It’s tiring.”
I shrug. “It’s boring, that’s what it is. The elitists, the people who try to impress you with how beneath them everything and everyone else is—they’re boring.”
“Exactly! They aren’t fooling anyone. See, that’s why I need you, Ruby. You see things in a way that no one else does. You see them like I do.”
It gets quiet. I stare out into the street, exhaling smoke and watching it dance dramatically in the air. I don’t know how to respond to that, and I don’t know if I want to respond to that, so I leave it there for a minute, avoiding his gaze. It seems different; I can feel that something has changed, and there’s a part of me that has been dying for that change for the better part of two years, but I don’t know if I want that now. I don’t know if I do see things the way he does.
“Let’s go back inside; I’m freezing,” I say, turning to grab the door handle.
“No wait, not yet.” He grabs me by the arm. Reluctantly I let go of the handle and turn to face him. His dark eyes drill into my own. “I need to tell you something,” he says.
“…Can it wait?” I ask, hopefully.
“No, I don’t think it can, Ruby. I feel really fucking stupid,” he pauses. “I miss you. The past month that I’ve barely seen you has honestly been hell for me. I find myself just waiting at home for you to show up at my door or staring at my phone, waiting for you to text. I didn’t realize how much I needed you. I don’t feel like myself without you. And I know what I said about us before—that it would never work out or whatever, but I was wrong about that. I was lying to you, and I was lying to myself.”
“Alex, you said that I was—that we were both too damaged and that you could never make me whole, and that I would expect things for you that you could never give me, among other things—hurtful things—that kept me awake at night for a long time.”
“I know what I said, but now I think that maybe you’re the only one it could ever work out with, for all those same reasons.”
“Alex, I can’t do this right now. This is the worst—I mean, are you kidding me? This is the worst fucking timing and the absolute worst thing you could possibly say to me right now.”
“Ruby, I know how you feel about me…”
“Yeah! Exactly, Alex. You knew how I felt about youfor two fucking years. You know me. You know everything about me. And youchosenot to love me. So why now, all the sudden, after all this time, now that I havefinallymet someone that makes me happy, why are you doing this to me?”
“Because I’ve always loved you, Ruby!”
