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“—and what happened was my fault. I’ve always been a self-destructive shit, but I've never really had any collateral damage. I’ve never been the kind of person that could hurt someone like that and then just get up the next morning and keep living my life. Knowing that I did that to you—it was torture.”
He exhales loudly. He’s angry, or maybe he just wishes I would have kept my mouth shut and kept walking. I guess I kind of do, too.
“It wasn’t just your fault, Ruby,” he says, finally. “I was the kind of person that could hurt someone that like and then get up the next morning and keep living my life, if I’m being completely honest with myself. I always have been. And then I met you.”
“I’m so—”
“Don’t…say you’re sorry, again,” he says. “It was doomed from the start, I guess. I’ll see you around, Ruby.”
I watch him head in the opposite direction for a minute, then turn and walk in mine. I fight the urge to look back over my shoulder. I don’t know if I feel better having seen him and getting to end it differently than we had before or not. This one is going to sting for a minute.
twenty-one
“Backbehindthebaragain, huh?” Aria asks me when she comes into work. At leastshe’salways on time, early even.
“Yep, another call-in,” I tell her.
“Melanie again?” she asks.
“Another death in the family, apparently,” I say, shrugging. Maybe there was. I’ll wait and see how the rest of the month pans out, and then at the very least, I’m going to have to start giving some of her hours to someone that wants them before everyone else has had enough and I’m the only one left to take them. I still have my entire job to do. And the other one, too.
She throws her things in the back, steps out, and takes inventory of her surroundings. “Oh my god,” she says, “it’s the bagpipe band.”
“I told you,” I say, and I did. Getting new musical talent in here has been a lot of fun for me lately. They’re just starting to set up and I can tell that our customers are really digging their vibe.
“And they’re in kilts! Where do you even get kilts?”
“The internet, mostly,” I reply. “But also, there’s an entire kilt store downtown. Didn’t you know that?”
“Can’t say that I’ve ever noticed. You’d think with the whole store, I’d see them out more often. They’re fucking hot,” she says.
“Stop,” I tell her, and laugh.
“No, seriously,” she says, “the kilts are totally doing it for me.”
“Good,” I tell her. “We’re going to need that energy.”
I was right about that. We were completely slammed. Bagpipe band night was a huge success. I’ve been on a roll lately—professionally, anyway. I think of my fuckup on the sidewalk earlier. I don’t know what I could have done differently. I don’t know if I wanted to do anything differently. When it plays out in my head, it’s me choosing the way he responds. I wouldn’t have guessed that he’d gone to my apartment, or that he would have admitted it to me now. It seemed to indicate that he still cared, but if he still cared, why was his delivery so cold? The pain feels fresh again. Maybe I was almost over it before this happened, or maybe I'd just gotten too good at just pushing these things down.
Extra help eventually arrives, and once the band finishes up, I am able to get out from behind the bar. They did great and honestly, so did I. I’m good at this. The vibe was awesome, and we made a killing tonight. I make a mental note to take inventory early this week. I need to find more unique talent like this and bring them in. I think of the cello player at the nameless bar I ended up at with Jake the night that we met and how intense that was. She would be perfect, if she would even be interested, of course. I didn’t know her story or her name, but I knew where she might be or at the very least, where I could find someone who does.
I head to the office that was formally Dane’s but is now the office that we share. I even have my own corner and computer. I grab my coat and my things and prepare to leave when I spot something on the desk that I didn’t put there. It’s a drawing, but more than that, I’m pretty sure it’s me.
I pick up the paper, and upon closer examination, itisme. It’s me in a skirt and an oversized sweater with my hair pulled up and a small redwood tree tattooed on my back. I recognize the artistry and the handwriting in the corner. It says,‘If I could do it all again, I would’. Was this from the boxes? I wonder how long it had been there. I don’t remember the last time anyone had cleaned them out, so maybe it was from before I blew it all up—back when he thought he was the one who had ruined it. But what if it wasn’t?
Just then, Aria appears in the doorway, knocking a couple of times on the opened door frame to get my attention. I jump just a little at the sound and crash back into myself.
“I cleaned out the mailboxes last night,” she says. “I forgot to tell you. I thought you might want that one. It’s you, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” I say. “It’s me.”
“Well, anyway, I just wanted to let you know before you go that Melanie already texted me and asked if I could take one of her shifts again next week.”
“Great,” I say, with a heavy sarcastic tone. It may be time to source new applicants again, and much sooner than I had expected.
“I told her no, on principle. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.”
“You’re forgiven. Are you guys sure you’re okay now?”
