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The day started off so well. I loved getting to work. It had been so long since I last got to really throw myself into something. I was making huge progress with everything in the office. Sorting through the piles of papers, which are unpaid customer bills and important shop paperwork that I know I need to go over with Axe soon.
I groan and tip my head back, letting the warm water cascade down my hair and onto my face.
Axe. I find that man intimidating yet safe.Safe. Something I feel like I haven’t truly felt in longer than I’ve thought. I thought I was safe with Ben. But was I really?
Don’t go there, Presley.I freaked out over nothing today, and it sent me spiraling for the rest of the day. I overreacted about him paying for me. It was nothing, and it meant nothing, so why did it matter so much? I know the answer to that, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.
Then he sits there and tells me he wants to hear everything I have to say or think about and that he cares. But he doesn’t. He couldn’t possibly mean that. But yet he shows me no signs of not caring. The opposite, in fact. On the very first day I met him, he knew nothing about me and still helped me stay calm during that whole crazy situation. But Ben didn’t care. Yes, he always helped me through my anxiety, but he never asked what was going through my head. He’d just hold me or help me find a distraction until I was calm enough to be on my own again. And whenever I was uncomfortable in public, he didn’t ask questions or check on me; he just took over and always stayed in control. I thought that was a good thing. But now I’m wondering if it wasn’t.
I sniffle and realize I have been crying the whole time. My thoughts have been all over the place while showering. I quickly finish up and get out, wiping the steam from the mirror and staring at my reflection. I need to stop thinking about Ben.
When I got back to the shop after lunch earlier, I threw myself into work. Although I don’t think I paid much attention to what I was doing, my mind was wandering. From overthinking everything Axe said to me, to then thinking about how I can’t even control my crazy thoughts for a second and basically called him a liar. Not because he is, but because my brain refuses to believe him.
Adding on my feelings for him and I felt like I was losing it by the time I basically sprinted out the door to get home and had the anxiety attack. I feel like I am not allowed to have feelings for Axe. It’s been almost three months since I walked out on my husband. That is too soon.
I’m also pregnant, and Axe doesn’t know. That feels wrong and like I am playing him or deceiving him. Which is not my intent.
He is also this big, tatted biker man with a beard and wears leather jackets and jeans that hug his perfect ass. He always has a t-shirt or a hoodie under his leather jacket. Adding in his biker boots, motorcycle, and the fact that he is a part of a MC, he isn’t my normal type. And most definitely not someone anyone from my old life would approve of.Not that it matters now. No one has even bothered to find you or check on you.
It just feels wrong to like him. I think it’s because I don’t just like him. I have these intense feelings for him. He makes my heart race, and when he walks into a room, he is all I can see. He is dominating and takes my breath away. Every time he speaks, I can’t get enough. I could listen to his voice for the rest of my life.
So why am I fighting this so hard? Why can’t I just let go of the past?
Probably because Ben isn’t letting me let go of it. I didn’t do anything wrong. Ben did. Plus, the feelings I have for Axe are making me question if I was ever truly in love with Ben or not.
I shake my head at those thoughts and finish throwing on an oversized t-shirt and sweats before going to start dinner. My mind races the entire time I’m cooking. Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off from its thoughts. It’s like a washer stuck on the spin cycle. Never-ending spinning; my thoughts never end, they just repeat over and over with different scenarios.
Axe probably doesn’t even like you back…
You are pregnant and have neglected to tell him. He is going to hate you.
You are carrying another man’s baby; no other man will want you.
Things are too messy. You are too messy to be dragging other people into your life.
You couldn’t even face Ben… You ran. Like a coward.
Next thing I know, the food is abandoned on the counter as I race to my bathroom to expel my lunch into the toilet. My entire body shakes as sobs wrack my body. I need to calm down. This can’t be good for my sweetling.
Deep breaths. Think of your baby.
I try to concentrate on breathing and only thinking of my sweet baby and their health, but my stomach revolts, and I puke again. This time, it doesn’t stop. I puke over and over again until I feel clammy. My pulse is racing as tears leak down my cheeks. I shakily reach up and flush the toilet for the fifth time before trying to stand. As soon as I do, I have to grab the counter to catch myself as my vision goes blurry and I become lightheaded.
Something is wrong.
I very slowly work my way out of the bathroom and towards the front door where I know I left my phone earlier. As soon as I see it on the floor by the door, my legs give out and I barely manage not to hurt myself as I land on my butt. My hands tremble as I pull up Raven’s number and call her.
To no surprise, she answers quickly. “Mama! What’s up?”
I groggily answer as my vision goes in and out, “Going to pass out. Something is wrong.”
I faintly hear rustling as I lay on my side, laying my cheek on the cold wood floor. “Pres? Can you tell me what’s going on? I’m still at the diner, but another waitress is here, so I am coming now.”
I go to answer her but cough instead and turn my head and vomit all over the floor, somehow managing to miss my phone.
“Presley!” Raven yells through the phone.
I don’t answer as I use what little strength I have to push myself away from the vomit and lay my cheek back down on the floor.It feels nice.
