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“How do I move past this?” I whisper.
“Move past what, exactly?” she responds, splaying her hands over her notebook.
Tears well up in my eyes as I look at her. “Losing my baby. How do I carry the guilt of that? How do I even accept what happened? Because right now, I feel lost and very confused. One moment, I am fine. I feel okay, but then it hits me like a brick to the chest. My baby is gone. I never even got to meet her or hold her or hear her first cry… anything.”
The psychologist’s eyes gleam with sympathy. “In those moments that you feel okay, can you tell me what you are doing? Because I know it’s not this stale white room making you feel okay.” she says with a small grin.
I smile back and shake my head. “Definitely not. It’s—” It takes me a moment to gather my thoughts. To realize what really makes me feel okay. “It’s when Jackson is here. Raven, Rage, or anyone else who comes by. It’s when they are here that I feel okay for just a second.”
She nods her head. “Your people. They are your family. The way you move past this? You don’t, Presley. You movethroughit. But you keep moving through it because you have them. They are your lifeboat right now. As long as you stay on that lifeboat, you can get through this.”
It’s been twelve days now. Since the day I woke up. I’ve been in the hospital for twenty days. I can’t wait to get out of here. I have been healing physically; the worst of it is where I had surgery to repair internal damage. But that is healing well. The doctors have no concerns. The pain gets better every day. I can move a little easier. The first ten days, it hurt to even lift an arm, but now I am able to get up and walk more. The staples have all been removed, and now I have stitches that will fade on their own. I just have to follow up in two weeks to make sure everything still looks good.
I continued to meet with Annie every other day while I’ve been here, and that has helped. Although right now, I could just really use a drink. Which almost makes me laugh out loud because I have never really drank, so I don’t even know how it would make me feel to be drunk, but something to distract my mind from the constant whirlwind of thoughts would be welcome right now.
Annie has helped me come to terms with the fact that I can get through this. I really thought I couldn’t at first. But other than that, I felt overwhelmed by the end of every session. I have found myself ranging from extremely sad and heartbroken to beyond angry. At myself and at Ben. Usually when Jackson would come in and hold me was the only time I really calmed down and slept the best.
I made arrangements for my sweetling to be buried. I have a name for her, but no one knows what it is yet. Only the nurse who helped with the birth and death certificates. That was a hard day to get through. I am trying to tell myself that this will get easier and that it’s okay to feel whatever I need to feel, but honestly, I feel like I can’t heal until Ben is suffering.
When that thought first surfaced, it both shocked me and scared me a little. But I’ve come to terms with the fact that I want Ben to suffer.
I know I could never inflict pain on him myself. But I know Jackson wants to, and I think I’m okay with that.
Ben is getting away with this somehow, and he doesn’t deserve to. He murdered my baby. He tried to murder me. How does he get to just walk free after that? Why would he do any of this?
The onslaught of questions that hit me enrages me because I have no idea if I will ever get the answers to any of them.
But one thing I know for sure, he deserves to rot in hell.
There has been nothing from him since that day he showed up here. It seems he just showed up to taunt that he has gotten away with what he’s done. But since then, he has basically gone underground. The club does not like that, and they have been searching for him relentlessly. Someone is always here with me. Most of them come in and sit with me, but if it’s a prospect, they stay outside the door.
Raven comes every day. We haven’t had much time alone, and I’m hoping we will soon. I can see that she is holding in pain and guilt over this, and she shouldn’t.
I’m pulled from my thoughts as Jackson walks in, grinning. “Ready to get the fuck out of here?”
I smile and nod, moving to get up from the bed. The pain meds the nurse gave me earlier have fully kicked in, and I am barely feeling any pain right now. “Hell yes!”
He laughs. “That’s my girl. Everything is done. Papers are signed, and you’re good to go.”
We head outside, Jackson having forced me to use a wheelchair, and go to a truck that is parked by the doors with lots of bikers on their bikes behind it. I feel myself smiling a genuinely happy smile at all the support. Jackson lifts me up into the truck, and then we are finally leaving the hospital. I can’t help but watch it slowly fade away in the side mirror. I am leaving so much behind, but when I also look back, I see all the bikers and know that I also have gained so much.
Something awful happened to me. But I have these people to help me now. I don’t think I would’ve survived this without them.
Jackson says, “We can stop and get whatever you need from a store. Or you can always order things online.”
I look at him and damn, he looks so good. His jeans fit his ass and thighs perfectly, as well as a hoodie and a leather jacket with sunglasses on. It’s so different from what I’m used to, but I can’t help but love it about him. He keeps his hair slicked back and beard on the shorter side, but I can’t help clenching my thighs at the thought of his beard all over my body.Maybe the pain meds have kicked in a little too much.
“Presley? Are you done eye-fucking me?” he asks with a smirk.
I roll my eyes but feel my face heat. I clear my throat. “We don’t need to go to a store. Let’s just go by my apartment and I’ll pack a bag.”
“Are you sure you want to do that?” His expression turns hesitant.
“Yes. I want to be able to live there again after this is all over, so I need to go back. Plus, I’d prefer to have some of my own things and not buy new things.” And there is one very important thing I need to get before Ben finds it. Unless he already did.
He nods with a sigh, “Alright, but I’m coming in with you.”
I smile. “Okay, Jacky.”
