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“Is it so wrong to want to feel numb?” I whisper. I already know the answer, but I ask the question anyway.
“You don’t need me to answer that. But you don’t want to do this. This path that you’re right on the verge of falling into is hard. It will destroy a piece of you. You won’t just numb yourself. You will hurt yourself. Presley, you will hurt other people. Jackson. Raven. Rage.”
Hearing someone else say Jackson and not just Axe sends a jolt of pain through my chest. Like someone zapped my heart. “I don’t want to hurt them.”
“No, you don’t. Because you aregood, Pres. You are sweet and kind. Sometimes too nice for your own good.” His lips tilt into a smile.
But I can’t return the gesture. “I don’t know what else to do. When I don’t have a distraction or something to numb me, I feel like I can’t breathe and I’m suffocating. I don’t want to burden everyone else with my depressing thoughts.” My lips begin to tremble, my voice breaking. “She never even came out into the world. I never met her. It shouldn’t feel this hard.”
“Presley—” I don’t think my mind can stand to hear anything else he has to say, so I spin back around and open the bottle, taking a swig straight from it. It burns and I attempt to hold back a cough as my eyes burn. If Jackson isn’t with me, I feel like I’m drowning again. I learned yesterday that drinking takes away the pain when Jackson can’t. Anything to get through it, I tell myself.
I hear a sigh behind me and a stool scraping on the floor again as steps recede.Good, leave me alone.An ache settles in my chest as I turn around and look around the empty room. I can’t stand these feelings, so I snag the bottle and just keep drinking straight from it as I wander around the clubhouse. It is surprisingly nice for a boys’ club.
A while later I am sitting on the couch staring out the front window that looks over part of the parking lot and the road that takes you out to the gatehouse to leave.
Is this just another prison? Will I forever be stuck here? I didn’t realize I was stuck in my old life until I left it. That my parents’ mansion and then the home I had with Ben were just gilded cages. I was on a tight leash, and I didn’t even know it. I had to be someone I didn’t want to be. But how could I have ever known that? I couldn’t. Not until I left that place.
Maybe Ben did me some good by cheating on me. I wouldn’t have left if I hadn’t caught him. Even if I had known, I don’t think I would’ve left. I think somewhere deep down inside, I knew. Which is why I became so robotic. It didn’t feel real when I actually caught him.
I sigh and lay down on my side. My mind is going peacefully numb. Nothing can hurt me in this state of mind. My mind can’t hurt me in this state…
The phone rings and rings.Please answer, Mom.
It’s been a month, and I went from talking to my mom a few times a week to barely speaking once a week. And now she doesn’t answer.
Finally, “Presley.”
“Mom? Are you alright? What is going on?”
“Nothing, Presley. Your father and I are very busy. You are a married woman now. You need to tend to your husband and not worry about calling us so much. We have other things to focus on.”
“What? Mom—”
“No. That’s enough. You are old enough now. You can manage on your own. Focus on your husband. We will check in much later down the road. I do love you, sweetie.”
“I—” She hangs up before I can say anything further, and a piece of my heart breaks off.
What if I never speak to her again? Why can we not speak now that I am married?
That evening, when Ben gets home from work, I ask him. He sighs. “Darling, you and your parents are just on different paths now. That happens a lot when people get married. There is nothing to fret about.”
“But you stay close to yours. We see them every weekend. Why are mine not even wanting to talk on the phone with me?”
“I don’t know, darling, but they aren’t worth our time. Focus on what you have going on. I have to focus on work. I can’t worry about this too. Everything will be fine. Just let them go. Maybe they want to spend some time together now that they don’t have you at home to tend to.”
They didn’t really tend to me. I love my parents but they were distant growing up. They still did whatever they wanted. I never stopped them—
“Presley!” Someone lightly shakes my shoulder.
“What?” I mumble, keeping my eyes closed.
“Wake up, sleepyhead,” a familiar voice chuckles.
I crack my eyes open and remember I was on the couch downstairs. Shit.
I quickly sit up, and my head throbs. “Ouch.” I rub at my temples.
“Were you drinking, Pres?”
