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“I knew it! You… you want to sleep with him, don’t you?”
“Well… if it happens, I won’t be opposed to it,” Noelle admitted.
The alcohol gave them both the courage to have this conversation. Lucero shed some of her reservations and Noelle was no longer afraid that her friend would judge her for her choices.
“Aren’t you scared of it?” Lucero whispered as she clumsily filled her glass with more tequila.
“Why would I be?” Noelle frowned.
“It doesn’t look very comfortable.” Lucero swallowed hard. “I’ve seen some of the slave girls with the guards and they were screaming in pain.”
“Lulu,” Noelle wet her lips, “you know there’s a difference between rape and sex.”
Lucero frowned.
“Aren’t they the same?”
Noelle blinked in confusion before she realized Lucero was in earnest. Because all she’d ever witnessed had been violence, she thought the two were synonymous.
“No. Rape is a violent act while sex…” Noelle thought how to best put it. “It’s between two people whowantto be together.”
“How would you know? You’ve never had it.”
“I’ve read enough to know,” Noelle said. “It’s the closest two people can be,” she sighed dreamily. How many times had she imagined herself with her Blue—limbs tangled, bodies joined, souls dancing together? How many times had she pictured the ultimate moment when she’d be his.
“I’m not sure I want that,” Lucero scrunched her nose in disgust. “I’m fine if no one touches me for the rest of my life,” she declared. “In fact, I’d prefer it.”
Noelle gave her a sad smile, knowing that her friend’s issues stemmed from more than just the scars that marred her body—there were also the scars on her soul.
She’d never known anything but human cruelty, becoming so used to it she marveled at every little kind gesture. And while she may have been lucky enough to escape rape, she certainly hadn’t been shielded from its existence at the hacienda—from the way women were treated as nothing more than accessories for the men.
The hacienda operated on a single principle. Everything belonged to el señor—especially the women. Yet in his magnanimity, he provided some slave girls for his guards’ entertainment once in a while. Lucero had been lucky that she’d never been included in that category, always shunned for beingcursed.Yet her curse may have actually been a blessing.
“You’re saying this now. But you’ll see when you find someone you love,” Noelle added, her mind already conjuring images of her and Raf. But her words fell on deaf ears as Lucero slumped to the floor, already passed out from the alcohol.
Noelle smiled furtively, removing the glasses and the bottle of tequila before helping Lucero into bed.
With her friend sleeping comfortably, she could finally go to Raf without being afraid of being chastised for it.
Yes, he was dangerous. Yes, he might harm her. But she trusted that he wouldn’t.
More than anything, she wanted to see him. And if she were honest to herself, should the encounter go bad, she was glad he would not remember it in the morning. As long as she avoided his wrath, what could go wrong?
Maybe it was selfish to take advantage of his lack of memory just so she could fulfill some absurd fantasies, but she was far too gone to care. After all, she wouldn’t do anythingbad. She would just talk to him, explain the situation, perhaps get him to seeherside of the story.
It was a simulation, she told herself—the only way she would know how to approach the subject when the actual time came. Via trial and error, she would perfect her delivery so that he could forgive her. She would explain the situation every time, see his reaction, and then he’d forget it in the morning. Why, but that sounded absolutely perfect.
She pushed down the slight discomfort that arose as she remembered she was responsible for the drug that resulted in his memory loss. It wasn’t as if she could do anything now. But she could at least be with him without any repercussions—or so she thought.
Her lips stretched into an optimistic smile as she stopped in front of the mirror, retouching her lipstick and dabbing more perfume to her wrists.
She was crazy for even contemplating seeing him face to face after he’d almost strangled her. She was very much aware that it was madness to want to do it again. Yet… she couldn’t stop herself.
She just needed to be close to him—by any means possible.
sixteen
Noelle tip-toedaround the hallway until she made it to the backyard, careful to not be spotted by any of the guards. The alcohol she’d imbibed in made her more daring than before, and giggling to herself, she simply dashed across the courtyard until she reached the facility.
