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“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do. He loves me.”
“He loves the person he thinks he’s talking to.”
“No, you’re wrong. When he’s on the drug, he knows it’s me.”
“And then he forgets it. Can’t you see how messed up that is?”
“Maybe.” Noelle shrugged. “But he loves me just as much as I love him. In fact, he can barely let me go when it’s time to leave.”
“Because he’s on that drug! How do you even know that’s the real him?”
“I just do. He is my Raf and I love him. And he loves me.”
“You keep repeating that, but do you have any other defense?”
“Lulu, why do we have to keep arguing about this? I’m not hurting anyone. I’m just spending time with the man I love.”
“Time he doesnotremember. Come on, Noelle, can’t you see how wrong this is?”
“No. I can’t.”
“What if the roles were reversed? What if someone was drugging you and every night he’d come to you, fuck you, then leave you with no memories of what happened. Say he did this every night—that he came, used you, then left. How wouldyoufeel?”
“First of all,” Noelle started, straightening her spine. She didn’t like Lucero’s accusations one bit. “I’m notusinghim. We’re both enjoying ourselves. And second of all, if he did do that to me, of course I would not be mad. I love him. I’d certainly want to have the memories but that can be resolved later, after he’s off the drugs. We’ll recreate all of our memories together.”
“No.” Lucero shook her head. “That’s where your logic fails, Noelle. How are youbothenjoying yourselves when he’s on a damn drug? When you don’t know if he actually wants that or not.”
“He does!” she protested. “This is evidence enough that he wants me,” she pointed to her marks.
“No, that’s only evidence that he’s violent, as the drug intended. You have no way of knowing what’s in his mind—if his sober self would agree to this.”
“He would…” Noelle mumbled.
“He doesn’t knowyou, Noelle. You said you’d be okay with him coming to fuck you while you’re drugged. But what if it was a stranger? What if a stranger came and took advantage of you while you were at your weakest? What then?”
Noelle opened her mouth to answer only to close it when she had no reply.
“You wouldn’t feel the same about a stranger, would you?” she continued to twist the knife in Noelle’s chest.
Noelle bit her lip as she gave a small shake of her head.
“If a stranger did that to you, what would you call it?” Lucero asked, watching her intently.
Noelle swallowed hard, a knot forming inside her stomach.
“Rape,” she whispered. “I’d call it rape.”
“Then there you have your answer,” Lucero pointed out. “And I hope to God you know what you’re doing because this can blow up in your face in more ways than one.”
With that, Lucero turned her back to her and returned to her own room.
Noelle stared after her retreating figure, her mind continuously at war.
No, Lucero was wrong. Raf wanted her—he couldn’t even bear to let her go. He wanted her too much, one might say. How could it berapewhen he loved her as much as she loved him?
nineteen
