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“Thank you,” she murmured, a smile pulling at her lips.
They chatted a little about mundane things before Noelle made the courage to ask something she knew he might not want to talk about—still, it was something she itched to know.
“Raf,” she wet her lips nervously. “You almost never talk about your time with Armand,” she said, silence echoing at the other name.
He’d told her very little, and though she’d managed to pry Armand’s name at some point, Raf had never commented more. Yet that had been enough to track him down and find out more about him. Unfortunately, he was already dead. Noelle would have loved to kill him with her own hands—make him suffer for days on end just as he’d made her Raf suffer.
Her hands balled into fists as even now the anger coursed through her veins, frustration gnawing at her.
“What do you want to know?” He finally spoke, an odd undercurrent in his tone.
“You don’t have to tell me anything if the memories hurt, Raf. But I’d love it if you shared your suffering with me. If… If I could maybe help you shoulder the weight of those memories.”
They’d already shared so much, talking about their families and the circumstances of their upbringings. Noelle had told him about his life at the hacienda in the vaguest terms—she’d detailed things that happened to her, but without mentioning names. That he’d intuited that the mistress of the house was violent with her…
She hadn’t been able to dissuade him from that stance since he was well aware of Noelle’s reputation at the hacienda. That had been the first time she’d regretted what she’d done—the fact that she’d built a bloody and ruthless reputation to keep everyone at arm’s length. Unfortunately, it was doing the same to him, too.
Sober Raf thought her to be some type of witch who went around torturing and enslaving innocent people. To a degree, she was. But he was always the exception.
Always.
“Ah,mi luz,” he groaned. He laid his back against the wall as he took a deep breath. “I have few memories of the time I was with him. But they are all… bad.”
“Tell me only if you feel comfortable,” she hurried to assure him.
“I do want to tell you. I wish I could tell you everything but… I don’t want you to see me like that—like a victim.”
“Raf…”
“I was helpless, Lucero. He had me on this drug that incapacitated me, so that I wouldn’t fight back and he…” Raf choked on his words. “Usually, I like to pretend nothing happened. That I wasn’t held against my will, used…”
“You don’t have to say more.”
God, but no matter how much she wanted to hear, she didn’t think she was ready—would she ever be? That man had hurt her Raf. He’d…
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she squeezed her eyes shut. Just thinking about it made her chest hurt almost as if someone’s fist closed around her heart.
“I want to believe that what happened doesn’t define me,” he continued. “But sometimes I can’t help but wonder if I didn’t deserve it.”
“What do you mean?” Her eyes flashed open, anger and shock radiating from them.
“Maybe it was payback for what I did to Michele. Maybe what happened to me just evened out the scales.”
“Raf! Please don’t talk like that. How could you say you deserved to be abused like that? No one deserves that.No one!”
“Logically, I’m aware of that. But there’s a part of me that tries to justify that pain with the painIinflicted.”
“Herapedyou! How is that evening out the scales?” She added, scandalized. Yet as soon as the words were out of her mouth, shame overwhelmed her. There she was, talking of rape when what she was doing wasn’t too far removed. Maybe it wasn’t violent or debasing, but it was a violation nonetheless—just like Lucero had said.
“Can we change the topic?” he inquired in a harsh voice.
“Of course,” Noelle hurried to say, realizing she’d probably pushed him too far. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, love. It’s all mine. The issues are all mine,” he added wearily.
Noelle couldn’t even rejoice at the fact that he called herlove.All she could think of was the fact that she was trapped in circumstances of her own making. She recognized her actions for what they were—morally wrong. But at the same time she couldn’t stop, not only for herself, but for him, too.
She was simply… trapped.
