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Why the fuck did I shit where I eat? Why the fuck did I let my dick do the thinking for me?
There’s a knock on my door, and by the sound of it, I know it’s Justine. I sit up and clear my throat, schooling my features before calling for her to come in.
“I have that report you wanted.” Shit. Her face is blank, her eyes not meeting mine while she puts said report down on the desk.
“Justine. We need to talk,” I say to her back. She’s already on her way out.
“I don’t have the time now. I still have to go over the presentation, and then…”
“Justine,” I bark, keeping my voice firm. “Close the door and sit down.” She’s always responded well to commands, and she doesn’t disappoint. Shoulders falling, she closes the door and settles down across from me, still avoiding my eyes.
“I’m sorry about the other night.”
“I thought you said you were getting a divorce.” Her tone is frosty, but there’s hurt glimmering in her eyes.
“I am,” I emphasize the words, willing her to believe me.
“It didn’t look like it,” she accuses.
“Look, it’s complicated.”
“That’s what all liars say.”
I blow out a breath and get up, rounding the desk and sitting in the chair next to her. She resists when I tug on her hands, and it’s a small victory when she gives in and lets me grip them.
“I didn’t lie to you. I just didn’t tell you the whole truth.”
“That’s the same thing.”
“It isn’t. Bailey and I are getting a divorce. You must understand. We have a long history together. So her seeing us together…It was a shock. She knew that that’s what eventually would happen, that we’d both move on with our lives, but knowing it and seeing it are two completely different things.”
“You rushed out of here, brushing me off like I meant nothing to you. And then you haven’t answered any of my calls or messages.”
A tear falls, and she brushes it off.
“I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, but I sometimes worry for Bailey’s mental health.” Fuck, I’m going to hell, but I’m on a roll now.
“What do you mean?”
“Bailey’s always been…a little fragile. She doesn’t do well with change, especially if it’s sudden, and I was worried she’d do something to hurt herself. I’m not in love with her, but I still love her as a friend. She’s been in my life forever. What kind of man would I be if I allowed her to run off and hurt herself? I never want to live with that kind of guilt. Tell me you can understand that?”
She nods hesitantly, her throat working while I wait for her to process my words.
“You’ve never said that to me.”
“Said what?”
Her chin quivers, another tear following the first, which she wipes away. “You’ve never said that you love me. I know it hasn’t been long, but I thought...I thought you at least had some feelings for me.”
I haven’t said it because, despite all the bad shit I’ve been doing, I couldn’t force myself to say it. I don’t love her. But it dawns on me that I am going to miss her. I’m going to miss how her eyes light up when she sees me. I’m going to miss how she never seems to be able to get enough of me. But most of all, I’m going to miss how she makes me feel like a king.
Maybe if I’d never met Bailey, I could have fallen in love with her. But that’s all it is and all it could ever be. A maybe.
I have to be careful, though. Giving her too much hope will bite me in the ass down the road. Giving her no hope will most probably bite me in the ass in the here and now.
“You know I have feelings for you. Strong feelings. I think I’ve shown you that over and over,” I say, grinning and pecking a soft kiss to her lips. Her smile is tremulous, but at least it’s there. “Whether that turns into true, lasting love is something only time will tell. It’s something that we shouldn’t rush or try to force. I made that mistake with Bailey. I don’t want us to make the same one. You’re still young. You might decide sticking with my grumpy ass is not something you want to do.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
