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He nods. “Yeah. Today, in fact. It won’t take long, Bailey. Please.”
I’m reluctant to hear anything he has to say, but hearing that he’s leaving has thrown me for a loop, so I stand aside, letting him enter.
“I’ve been seeing someone. A therapist,” he says once we’re seated at my dining table. “He’s helping me get to the bottom of why I’ve done the things I’ve done. It’s an ongoing process, and I’ll have to find someone new when I move.”
“That’s good, I guess,” I say, unsure why he’s telling me this. We’re done, and whatever his reasons were doesn’t matter anymore.
“Talking to him helped me understand that I haven’t been happy in a long time.”
“With me?”
Hi sighs, lacing his fingers together and focusing on them. “No…and yes. It’s complicated.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I’ve been carrying a lot of resentment. The farm, your bookstore, Frosty Frogs.”
“I’m still not understanding.”
“Fuck, this is hard,” he mutters, looking around the room. “What it boils down to is that I was jealous. Your grandparents left you Chantler and Cook. Nathan got Frosty Frogs. And I, I got nothing. You know how desperately I wanted the farm. Grandpa should have given it to me. Instead, he gave it to Dad, who sold it. I never wanted a corporate job. Hated it, in fact.”
“He had no idea your dad would do that. He trusted him.”
“He should have known better. He wasn’t blind to Dad’s faults.”
I sigh because we could go in circles on this topic. “You never once mentioned resenting the bookstore. Or that you hated your job.”
He shrugs. “I didn’t think it mattered. I thought the writing was on the wall for the business. It was barely floating when you inherited it, and you had no experience with running a business. It was doomed to fail, and I needed a job to support us when that happened.”
I can’t hold back the flinch at his ugly words. At his lack of faith in me. I feel like I’m on one of those television shows where someone will jump out and shout, “You’ve been pranked.” It has to be because I’m looking at Quinn, and I have no idea who he is.
“So that’s why you never wanted to move into the apartment?”
It never made any sense to me. We could have saved so much money living rent-free.
“I hated that place. And I thought you’d sell it along with the business. But then you did the expansion, and it took off.”
“That is…” I run my fingers through my hair, completely shaken. It’s incomprehensible to me that he could hide these feelings for all these years. That he’d been hoping I’d fail at something I loved so much. How was I so blind? So stupid? I thought we were a team that supported each other’s successes when all it’s been is a sham and a lie.
“Completely unforgivable, I know, Bailey. And I’m so desperately sorry. For all of it. That I wasn’t strong enough to overcome my insecurities and resentment.”
I nod in acknowledgment because, for the first time, I can feel his sincerity. It doesn’t change anything, but it’s at least good to know he’s sorry.
“So your affair was to punish me or something?”
“No, it had nothing to do with you. I hated my job, but I was good at it. It was a rush to feel valued and important. Justine was an extension of that. She wasn’t connected to my past or these shameful feelings I was hiding away. She made me feel I could be free to just be me.”
His words are painful. I almost wish he would have just said, “I don’t know, it just happened.” That would have hurt less. But at least I have answers, as hard as it is to hear.
“I don’t expect your forgiveness, Bailey. That’s not why I’m telling you this. I just…” He looks down at the table, his throat working a few times, before he looks back at me. “You deserve so much more than what I’ve put you through. That boy,” he says, rubbing his fist against his chest. “That boy you said you love, he would have never hurt you like this. And I can’t bear leaving with you thinking that maybe you did something wrong.”
The silence between us is heavy, and I look away when he bats at a tear running down his cheek.
“Where are you going?” I ask, somehow managing to get the words past the ache in my chest.
“Connecticut. Justine’s parents live there, and she wants to be close to them when she has the baby.”
I absorb his words, letting the idea of the added distance between us sink in. And I realize…I don’t care. The new me is all about being honest with myself and accepting the truth of things. And the truth is, I’ve been incredibly lonely for the last year. I was more in love with the memories of us than with him. The realization is freeing.
