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When I started my tirade, Knox looked over his shoulder at me and winced when I said fall in love. How could he not know how I felt? How was this a surprise to him unless he didn’t feel the same?
At that moment, I didn’t think he knew what he was doing. It wasn’t intentional. He hadn’t set out to hurt us, but he had just the same. He was protecting himself. He wasn’t thinking about our feelings, and somehow that hurt even more.
I wanted to be with someone who put us first. I wouldn’t have hesitated to prioritize his family. He didn’t do anything wrong, but I couldn’t convince him of that. Only he could come to that realization on his own.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have started anything with you. I thought things could be different. It was a mistake.” He turned the knob and walked out.
His words sent piercing pain through my heart, and I struggled to catch my breath. I couldn’t move, much less run after him. When the door shut behind him, tears streamed down my face. I fell to the floor, sobbing into my hands. How would I explain this to Addy?
Not only had her father disappointed her too many times to count, but Knox was gone from her life, too? She would assume it was her fault, and I’d have to tell her it was him. He wasn’t ready for us. He was too immature, too something… I don’t know. But she wouldn’t understand, not really.
He’d convinced himself he needed to be the one who was present for his family at all times, and last night, he’d failed. He felt responsible, even though he was the one who made himself feel that way. It wasn’t like his family was telling him that. I’d never seen or heard anything coming from them. It was all him.
He carried unresolved guilt about his father’s heart attack. He’d never dealt with it. Now it was rearing its ugly head again.
Everything inside me ached from sitting on the hard floor and not getting enough sleep last night. I finally stood and went to the couch, where I burrowed under a blanket. The only saving grace was that Addy wasn’t here. I could fall apart without worrying about what she would think.
A short time later, a knock sounded on the door. My heart pounded, hoping it was Knox returning to tell me he’d made a mistake by leaving.
I hurried to the door, swiping at the trail of tears on my face and wiping my nose as I turned the knob.
“Grace,” I said, stepping back as she rushed inside.
“I was worried about you since Gary has Addy this weekend. Is she okay? She’s not hurt, is she?” Grace’s eyes widened. “Oh, my god, tell me he didn’t show up.”
I nodded as I closed the door behind her. “He did. She’s with him. I video-called her last night. Everything seems fine.”
She tipped her head to the side, scrutinizing me. “Then what is it? Are you upset because she’s with him?”
“This has nothing to do with Gary and Addy. It’s Knox.” I went into the living room, where I’d strewn wadded-up tissues everywhere. Embarrassed, I started picking them up. “His mother was in the hospital. She’s okay now. But he was understandably upset.”
“Why aren’t you with him if Addy’s with Gary?” Grace asked.
“He didn’t want me there,” I said, and the tears flowed again. I didn’t think it was possible to cry any more.
“What? Why?” Her voice was filled with despair.
“He said we were a mistake. That he shouldn’t have led me on.”
Grace shook her head. “He seemed so into you, or at least that’s how it sounded. I don’t understand.”
“I don’t either. The only thing I can think of is that he has unresolved feelings about his father dying when he wasn’t living here. He feels responsible somehow. The night his brothers tried to reach him, he was here and didn’t hear the phone. It was the middle of the night, though. It could have happened to anyone.”
“He thinks being here was the reason he wasn’t there for his brothers and his mom?”
I nodded miserably as I threw out the tissues and sat next to her on the couch. “I don’t know how to get through to him. He’s decided that he was responsible somehow for his father’s heart attack, or he blames himself for not being here. So now, he’s sentenced himself to living on the farm and being available to his family twenty-four seven.”
“He said he can’t date anyone so he can be there for his family?” Grace asked carefully.
I sighed. “Or it was an elaborate it’s not you, it’s me excuse. But I think he was being genuine.”
Grace’s shoulders lowered. “I’m upset for you. But I don’t think you did anything wrong or distracted him. He needs to be able to balance having a life and his family. No one expects him to be available all the time.”
“Try telling him that,” I said as I dabbed at my tears with a tissue.
“You can’t change his mind. Hopefully, he’ll figure out what an idiot he’s being.”
“But what if he doesn’t? What if he’s perfectly content with never seeing us again? What will I tell Addy?” My voice rose in desperation.
