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Did Heath want to pursue things? Did he want space? How could I handle things with him when I was here?
I was dying to know how the conversation between Heath and Aiden went. I sent a message to Aiden, telling him I arrived okay and that everything was drying out. There was nothing for me to clean up. Izzy and Rick had picked everything up that was in danger of getting wet. The few things that had gotten wet were laid out on the dining room table.
The house was large and had an expansive feeling. I liked it when I first moved in, but now it felt empty. When I talked or filmed videos, my voice echoed. I hadn’t filled it with things, telling myself it was because I didn’t need or want knickknacks, but now it felt barren. There were no holiday decorations or a Christmas tree. It was funny how quickly I got used to those things at Heath’s.
The fireplace reminded me of Heath and how it was always on when he was home. But it was too warm to use it here.
I opened the slider to the deck and walked out, hoping the familiar sound of the ocean would soothe me. The breeze was warm, and the ocean sounded the same as always, the crash of the waves constant and steady.
It was nice. I loved the ocean. But it wasn’t evergreens and twinkly lights. It wasn’t the scent of pine and spice I smelled. Salt filled the air. Everything felt wrong.
The house had always soothed me and made me feel like I’d made it. I owned my home and the property. No one could take it away from me. That maybe I didn’t need to belong so much as I needed to be in control of my life.
Now I knew the truth. I belonged with Heath, his family, and his farm. Being with him healed me. He helped me open up and let other people in. I still wasn’t great at asking others for help, but I could improve.
I wished Heath were here. I had no way of knowing where his head was at. Especially since he hadn’t contacted me since the night of the bonfire. The thing was, I hadn’t reached out to him either. I was waiting for him to talk to Aiden and figure things out in his head.
What if Heath didn’t want me anymore? What if he didn’t think it was worth ruining his relationship with Aiden? My only hope was that Aiden could see how happy I was. That he’d give Heath whatever he needed to move forward with me.
I didn’t need protection, especially not from Heath. He’d done nothing but love me these last few months. When I was in California in the beginning of the year, avoiding him, he was taking good care of the inn and tried to reach out to me. I just didn’t trust myself when it came to him.
I didn’t want to be hurt. But you can’t fully live life unless you open up to people. I didn’t feel great about how we left things. I hoped Heath didn’t fall back to his old ways. That he didn’t let his guilt and shame prevent him from living the life he wanted.
I could plead my case with him as soon as I got home. I didn’t want Heath to think that I’d changed my mind about him, so I texted him.
I miss you.
This wasn’t home. California wasn’t my safe place. It was Heath’s cabin. This house was just a building, a place I could exist but not live my life.
When I looked out my window, I wanted to see rolling hills of evergreens in various stages of growth. I wanted to cut down a Christmas tree every year with his family. I wanted to be part of their meals and holidays. I wanted to tease his brothers and befriend their wives and girlfriends. I wanted to be part of their lives.
Here, I was merely existing, whereas I thrived on Monroe Farm. When I scrolled through my social media posts, I could see the difference. There were more images of me broadcasting in front of a tree or a string of lights than a perfectly decorated office with me in meticulously done hair and makeup. In Maryland, I didn’t have someone on call to do those things for me.
I just filmed when the mood struck me and talked about whatever I was motivated to talk about at that moment, and there were more comments and likes than ever before. I was relatable. My followers loved it.
Maybe I seemed more real to them. My struggle more relatable. I wondered if I should film what I was going through now. It wasn’t about money, but then didn’t I always preach that money couldn’t make you happy? It made life easier in a lot of ways. But if you were unhappy before you had money, earning it wouldn’t change anything.
I set up lighting because it was dark out and decided to film without brushing my hair or putting on makeup. When the red light flashed, indicating I was live, I waited for my followers to see the notification and hop on. The number ticked upward and finally, I said, “Hi, everyone. This is an impromptu live.”
I said hi to a few familiar names as they wrote their greetings in the comments. “I just got off a flight from Maryland to California to take care of an emergency at my house here.” I took a deep breath, tears filling my eyes. “I have to say that I feel like I left my heart on the Monroe Christmas Tree Farm. I went home because my grandmother died. I loved her so much, but I couldn’t stay there and help her run her inn because when I was a teenager, this boy broke up with me. He was my first boyfriend, and I think, looking back, I may have even loved him. When he broke things off, I was scared and felt like I didn’t belong there anymore.
“I went to college and eventually moved here to California, but I never really assimilated with the community. I didn’t make friends. I kept to myself, built this business, and thought it was enough. I was successful. My business was thriving. You all loved what I had to say. And I read the testimonials. What I was sharing helped people. It was fulfilling. But in a lot of ways, I still held myself back. You can be smart in one area of your life, like business, and a disaster in another area, like your personal life.”
I paused to read through the comments. There were a few we love yous and we support you! I loved the outpouring of support, but I hadn’t been entirely honest with them yet. “I appreciate your support. But I have to tell you a little story. When I returned to Maryland to take care of my grandmother’s estate, I ran into my old love again.”
The comments exploded with heart emojis.
“He renovated the inn so I could sell it. I thought I could maintain my distance. I thought what we had when we were teenagers was one-sided because he walked away from me. But I was wrong. The attraction, the mutual respect, it was all there. It was amplified because we’re older now and smarter. But I have to tell you guys, I’m in love. I’m so in love with him.” I blew out a breath, trying to calm my nerves so the tears threatening didn’t spill over.
“It took me a while to admit it because I wasn’t sure what love felt like. I didn’t grow up with loving or supportive parents. Frankly, I was embarrassed of how I grew up. I wanted everyone to see this new me. This man knew everything about me, and he loved me anyway. He knew I was scared and unsure, and he was patient and determined. The reason I’m telling you all of this is that I’m worried that I messed things up, and that the fact that he’s best friends with my brother will still be a barrier. But we can’t have anything in life that we don’t believe in.
“When things feel uncertain, or when the anxiety creeps in, we have to have faith that everything is working out in our favor. And this isn’t just about money and business, it’s everything in our lives, our relationships with our friends, family, coworkers, and significant others. This house and these waves were healing for me, but it’s time for a new chapter. If he’ll have me, I’m planning to move to Maryland to run my grandmother’s inn with my brother and hopefully live on a Christmas tree farm with the love of my life. Wish me luck.”
I watched the comments flow in. They ranged from supportive to stories about heartache in their own lives.
“I’ll do a live next week on how you can use what we’ve talked about in money and business in our personal lives. We deserve to have success and happiness in all aspects of our lives. I wish you love and happiness. I’ll let you know when the next live is going to be so you can all hop on. Love you, guys.”
I clicked off the live and let out a breath. I thought I’d feel gross for sharing my feelings, but instead, I felt cleansed, like my heart had been resuscitated. I felt good being real and honest with these people who’d been with me since the beginning. They’d been by my side through everything, and it was right that I shared this with them, too.
