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“What can I do?” He squeezes my hand. “After all, I owe you one.” He tries to keep it light.
“Yes, you do.” My teeth are chattering, but I try to keep it light too. “Without me, you’d probably be foaming at the mouth by now.” I manage a weak smile. Then I groan, blowing out a shaky breath. “Okay, we’re going to walk toward it with my eyes closed so I don’t get dizzy. Then we’ll see how I’m doing once we get there. Can you guide me?”
“I got you.”
As he inches me over, I close my eyes and realize that I must have a lot of trust in him because I follow his lead without hesitation.
“Ten more steps,” he says. I keep breathing, and he says, “Five more.” Another few deep inhales and exhales, and he says, “We’re here.”
“Wow, that was fast.”
I slowly open my eyes and lean on Maddox to stay steady as I look at the waves rippling in the distance. I’m not ready to lookdown at them crashing against the cliff side below, but I can hear each one louder now, smashing the rocks with fury. My mouth goes dry, and I don’t feel like I can move. I focus on the salty air gusting on my face. Right now, the wind is wicked on these cliffs, and if I wasn’t terrified, I’m sure this would be exhilarating. I manage to say, “Can you hand me the urn?”
“On it,” he says, letting go of my hand before I hear him digging through the backpack.
My face gets hot with fury. If I was my old self, I’d be pulling Maddox’s hand toward the cliff.
“You don’t look okay, Rook.” Maddox studies me with a concerned expression on his face.
“I’ll be fine. Just a little off.”
“Talk to me.”
I hold out my trembling hand. “I just think doing this is harder than I thought it would be.” It has to be my grief, right? This isn’t me.
“You’ve been through a lot. You’re dealing with a media firestorm. Your parents aren’t supporting you. You lost your grandmother.”
I nod, trying to take in his words. “I’m still not sure how to do life without her.”
“Just one day at a time. That’s all any of us can do.”
Tears spring to my eyes, and I can’t stop them. “She accepted and believed in me.”
Maddox squeezes my hand.
I nod to the urn. “I think I’m ready to say a few words.”
After he gives me my grandmother, I continue to stare at the waves in the distance, a sadness passing through me. I hold out the urn when I say, “Thanks for being so flipping cool, Grams. And having amazing tea parties with me and playing dress up. I think that’s what gave me my love for acting. So thank you for my career too. I love it. I love you, and I’ll miss you, always.I hope you’re somewhere looking down, happy to see I’m here in the place where your heart lived. Thank you for bringing me here.”
Maddox smiles, and there’s a shine in his eyes. “That was perfect.”
“Nah.” I shrug. “Maybe a little.” I blow out a steady breath and open the urn, but it’s still a struggle for me to get close enough to the edge to dump the ashes. The dizziness threatens to take hold again, but I close my eyes and steady myself.
“I think your grams would understand if you had help.” Maddox holds his hands out to take the urn. “Please?”
I nod. “You take my hand. I’ll take the urn.”
He does, and when we get to the edge, he removes the lid for me.
I start to tip it, but Maddox says, “Wait.” After I stop, he continues, “Make sure you sprinkle them and not dump them. If you release it all in the same spot, it might land on a jellyfish or something.”
“Good point. I don’t want to kill any wildlife.” Then I do small, patient sprinkles along the rocky coastline.
When I’m done, he takes the urn and looks inside. “There’s something taped to the bottom.”
“Really?” My mouth hangs open and my heart stops beating altogether. After moving a safe distance away from the cliff’s edge, I reach inside and tear it off, dying to see whatever it is that Grams left in secret.
I untape it slowly, as if somehow it’s going to disappear under my fingertips. When I have it in my hands, I gently break the seal.
