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I shake my head and finally face him. “Do you know what I did two weeks ago? The virtual miracle of a horse being pregnant with twins happened here in Starlight Canyon. One in ten fucking thousand chance, Colt. I thought I’d never see the day. And I won’t. Because the owner asked me to ablate one. And I know, I goddamn know this is best for the mare and the remaining foal… but shit… these hands are fucking dirty, Colt, and I can’t get over it. Two weeks ago I told myself to hang on by the shred of decency I had left, but Luis and his gray, Daisy, came around before I could stitch myself back together, and I’m falling. Spiraling… I can’t anymore. I came running to you.Running.I hate to admit it but I’m fucked up.”
“You ran all the way from the Mendez place?” He lifts an eyebrow.
“Shut up. Figuratively.” His stupid dad joke almost deserves a smile.
He tries to boost my confidence. “Jo, you’ve saved a hell of a lot of lives, too. You give life every day…”
“I know. I confirmed forty-eight pregnancies today.”
“Did you wash your hands?” Colt will never stop trying to make me smile.
I smooth one of mine across his cheek, pretending toslather cow crap all over him. “No.” I puff a laugh out of my nose.
He pushes me on the arm, and I tumble over. I feel a little better because messing around with my big brother like this reminds me of when life was easy. When I was just a pony-crazy girl with a plastic stethoscope and a reflex hammer.
“Maybe you just need a breather. A break. Don’t make any knee-jerk decisions about what you can and can’t handle, or about your identity. Just take a break. You only moved back home six months ago and have dealt with some serious relationship shit in recent years. Sometimes people just need a change of focus. We’ll figure it out.”
“I still need to work. I can’t just sit around on my ass all day. That will be the opposite of good for me. It’s offseason in the Canyon. I probably can’t even wait tables this time of year.”
He gets up and holds his hand out to help me. “I got you. I’ll set something up so you’re not mulling around. In fact, why don’t we get you working over with Monica again for a while? She always needs more help.”
The Danes? “With the pony school? God, that would be two steps forward, a thousand back.”
“You used to love working there. Doing roping and barrel racing with the kids? It’ll definitely take your mind off things.”
“Yeah…” I agree half-heartedly. I’m not sure. It seems to me like the solution will just replace one obsessive thought with another because Ashton in his backward baseball cap is just about the best and worst distraction a messed-up girl could have.
But just like so many other times in my life, I dive rightin. I never did give a damn choosing what’s unhealthy. “Sure,” I drawl.
“I’ll call Monica when you leave and drop you a text. Get washed up. Hang out with the girls after school lets out. Sam, Eve, and Mom are making a pink-themed dinner.” He scratches his head. “Can’t seem to escape the Barbie era my ladies are in.”
He sits back at his desk and eyes me seriously. “Jo. Don’t you dare wait two years to tell me something so big again. It’s bad for you to keep it inside. And just to say as well, there’s no shame in therapy.”
But is there shame in quitting?“Okay. Let me know about Monica.”
“Just assume it’s on. You know how she is.”
I nod. I don’t feel any better about what happened with Daisy, but it does feel better to know tomorrow the possibility of doing that again won’t be looming over me. “Who will take over my schedule…?”
Colt lifts his hand to stop me. “I got it. Just leave it with me. Shower up and go over to Big Sky with the girls. You need some company. I don’t want you hanging out alone when you’re feeling like this.”
My brother is all man. All very busy man, but he always finds the time to come to the rescue.
“Thank you.”
I leave, and when I get back to my car, I mostly feel lighter. I guess the saying is true. A problem shared is a problem halved. And that’s exactly what I’ve done. I’ve only halved my problem. Because now, when I go to work at the Danes’, a new one might come back. It took years to get over Ashton Dane, and the bubbles in my stomach, the flutter between my legs at the sight of his scruffy hair and thick neck, the feel of his thigh on mine wereway too reminiscent of that lovesick teenage nausea I had lasting well into my twenties.
At least tomorrow is the last Scorpions’ game for a while. Then he’ll be away and I’ll have a week or so to get my head on straight.
Chapter Seven
I checkthe box again between periods. Never, in the history of playing hockey, have I glanced at the crowd so many times. But it’s like I’m a marionette and something out there is pulling the strings. We only have sixty minutes to win a game, and I’ve always been good at concentrating, especially since in the first line I’m still only in twenty minutes. But today, I can’t swat away the distraction.
Finally, between the second and third period, it’s impossible to ignore the satisfaction of seeing a long blonde mane come into view at the front of the box. Jolie standsnext to my mom, and suddenly I’m hot in my pads. I squint. She wears a Scorpions jersey, and I know it isn’t my number because it’s a single digit I can’t make out. I’m number eleven. I narrow my eyes farther, trying to focus; it must be Logan’s. Coach is talking, but I’m tuned out, searching around for players with single digits, wondering if they’ve ever crossed paths with her. I glance back up again…It looks like Logan’s. Is it a seven?
“Dane! You fucking listening?” Coach snaps me back to the rink side.
I tip my chin.
