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Equally, I temper my words knowing a kid is here, and try to explain without upsetting her. “Sometimes, Eve—well, all the time actually—there are parts of jobs that can be hard and stressful. Sometimes the stress can get overwhelming, and we need to take a step back to see what’sreally important. And it’s okay to do that. It’s okay to take a quiet moment to yourself, to figure things out. And that’s what I needed to do. I needed to think about whether or not I wanted to accept the stressful things about being a vet or not. And I needed a little break to think about it because that stress was really hurting me and almost making me sick.”
“You’re going to quit being a vet?” She can’t help herself. She’s disappointed.
To her, just like it was for me at thirteen, being a vet sounded like the coolest thing a girl who loves animals could do. Eve herself has told me lots of times she’d like to be one. And once in a while, I fantasized about how nice it would be to have a practice here in town where she could come work with me on whatever level she’s capable.
That was until I questioned my own ability. But I don’t anymore. “I decided I’ll still be a vet and I was really lucky your dad helped me take a step back so I had time to think about it.”
I glance up at my brother. “Thank you for helping me, Colt.”
He simply nods. I plate up more quiche, and my mom passes plates in a circle until everyone has one.
She serves herself some salad I put in a bowl on the table. She’s thinking a lot harder than a person needs to to spoon salad. “You worked it all out in just a week? It’s okay to take more time if you need it. Monica loves having you around, and there’s no hurry.”
I reach out and put my hand on hers. “Seriously, Mom. I gotta give it a go now.”
Dash hasn’t moved a muscle. He stares at me with such concentration, taking in every word I say as if each one has a thousand syllables. He’s always been a good listener. Andhe learns through questions. “What’s changed that makes you ready to go back so soon?”
Ashton.Having a rock and someone steady in my corner. But I can’t say that, of course. “I have no idea if I’ll be able to cope with the pressures but I realize I was trying to do it all alone, be strong, grit my teeth… that’s not going to work. I know you’re all here to support me whenever I need it, but like most people, I don’t like asking…”
Sam nods, knowingly. I know she gets it. She’s a tough cookie, too. But she taught me a lot over this time of knowing her; watching her be honest about her struggles has only made her better.
I continue, “So first I hope you don’t mind, but once in a while I might need to vent. Maybe even…” I say it dramatically, “…cry from time to time. But mostly I hope it’s okay for me to come to all of you for support. The job can be so draining, and I know now I can’t shoulder the burden alone.”
“A problem shared is a problem halved, right?” Eve says.
It makes my heart smile because I’ve said that to her so many times but never actually did it much myself.
“And also, I need to draw boundaries. I’ve read a lot about it online.” I dart my eyes to Colt. “Thank you for the links. I did actually read them…”
Colt salutes me.
“And I need to set boundaries and take care of myself more. I’m getting a new cell for personal life and won’t tell clients they can call me twenty-four seven when there is a vet on call at the emergency clinic.”
Dash adjusts in his chair. “Much as I enjoyed hanging out with you and Romeo, I approve. You wore yourself out and went straight to other appointments. I told you to go home.”
“And I should have,” I agree. “In part, I think my burnout and inability to deal with compassion fatigue is from overworking and lack of sleep. So I’m also going to try and get better sleep. I just need to take care of myself.”
Colt and Sam share a conversation in their connected gaze and I can’t quite translate. These two speak to each other without language.
Colton takes a bite of quiche and points to it with his fork. “This is really delicious.”
“Yeah. It’s the fresh eggs that make the difference,” I say, having not had a single bite of my own.
He finishes chewing. “Not that it matters what I think next to what you think, but I believe you were born for this job. But none of us can take care of others if we don’t put our own oxygen mask on first. And don’t be so afraid to talk to a therapist either.”
“I won’t.”
He points his fork at me. “We all need rebalancing sometimes. I think this family has a lot to offer in terms of support, but there’s no shame in seeking help elsewhere either.”
“I know. It’s just hard for me to admit my weakness. Shit, I would have never made it with three brothers if I didn’t get good at that.”
Dash mumbles. “It’s our job to take care of you.”
My mom brightens. “It’s our job to look after each other.” She sighs. “Thank you for bringing us over and talking to us. I’ve been scared shitless with you pulling back into yourself. Only person you seem to talk to these days is Ashton.”
Dash’s eyes flick up. Colt stops chewing for a moment, and one of Sam’s eyebrows seems to be having a gossip with the ceiling.
“Anyway.” Mom’s comment wasn’t a segue, so I get back to the topic at hand. “I don’t know where the chips will fall but I’ll control the things I can right now and get back to work. I’m ready and I want you all to know I’m going to be okay no matter what happens.”
