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I lower my lips to hers, and they’re every bit as warm and soft and loving as the first time my mouth connected with hers. I stay pressed against her, my soul pleading withhers, begging her with my embrace to take my life back into her hands, the only place I ever wanted it to be. But before the spark ignites again, she smothers the oxygen, the fuel and the fire that made life worth living. She leans away from me, leaving a space in between, she draws her lips into a thin line.
Her gaze is lowered and in the distance. Mine is firmly attached to the woman I love. Neither of us speak. The room is so silent and still it’s as if death has finally found me.
When the tick of her wall clock becomes audible again, reality resumes, and standing here forever in the dim light of her kitchen isn’t going to change anything.
“What do we do now?”
Her voice is weak, but each word lands on me with a mighty crack. “You leave.”
“Leave?”
She nods, tears rolling down her cheeks.
“I can’t… just leave. And I can’t leave you like this.”
“I want you to.”
“Nothing about the way you look right now tells me you want me to leave, Joey. Don’t do this…”
“And don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
I flare my nostrils. “Nothingcould make this harder than it already is. I don’t want any of it without you, Joey. I don’t want Starlight Canyon. I don’t want to be in my family, dysfunctional or not. I don’t want any of it without you. What’s this town without us? It’s always been me and you. Right from the start.”
My words only make her cry more, and I’m torn between knowing I have to fight and hating that I resurrected her tears.
“I won’t. I won’t make that decision. I can’t pull the trigger, Ashton. I’m sorry.”
What can I say? What can I do when I can’t give her what she needs? Or what she wants? The pain of turning the page before our chapter is over slices thousands of paper cuts inside me, and I think I might bleed to death from the inside out.
I go to the door, grab my jacket. My bag. And with my head slumped and palm on the handle, I leave her with the only words she needs to know. “Whenever you’re alone and you think there’s no one burning for you, I’ll be burning for you somewhere quietly. Just like I always have. And you always have.” I turn to see her one last time before I step out into the empty and unknown world that doesn’t include her. “I refuse to move on from this. In this world or the next. Joey. You’d better come and find me. Because I’ll be waiting.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
The door closesbehind the love of my life, and his words swim around inside me, drowning me, making it impossible to breathe. My lungs are heavy with an ocean of sadness. Outside, Ashton’s car starts, and his tires grind against the gravel. The sound of his departure claws at me painfully and breaks any strength that holds me together. Tears pour out of my eyes, and I sob loudly, right through the stinging pain of my already raw throat, and the wailing is a desperate voice I don’t recognize.
My house feels emptier than it everhas before. My giant six-five beast will never fill the space with his crooked smile and deep-brown eyes. We’ll never play around with either of his sticks, and I won’t know where to go when the chips are down. I’ve never once felt so good in my adult life as when Ashton walked back into it, making me feel something between a carefree kid and the woman I was always meant to be. He made me whole.
I collapse on my couch and throw my face into the cushion that’s still a little damp from where I cried myself to sleep watching TV. Now the moment I dreaded has come and gone, and all I can think about is my empty future. I dreamed of being with Ashton all my life. He was the only one to consume my heart and make it beat with the most special purpose in the world- true love. I thought about kissing him from the time I was small and medium and grown and I truly believe I’ll ache in my bones when I’m old, the need for him still inside me.
Did I do the wrong thing? I want him back now. All I can think about is that last kiss and how I peeled away way too fast. I want his body back here. I want it back on my couch, in my bed, in my car, at Sly’s, eating carrot cake at CCs, skating on pristine winter glass and everywhere. That’s where I’ll think of him. Everywhere.
The thought of it scares me. The fear of never being happy for the rest of my life is so overwhelming I cry so hard I choke on my tears. And I know… I know we’re supposed to be a secret, but darkness is closing in on me, and I think about my mom, and her hand on my forearm, making me promise I wouldn’t suffer alone.
I’m falling now. I want to let her catch me and smooth my hair and tell me everything’s going to be all right. I won’t believe her, just like always, but she’ll make me feel better all the same.
Mom went to the game with Colt, Sam, and Eve tonight, and if Ashton is back, they’ll be back. It’s the night before Thanksgiving… they might still be up.
I look like shit but I’m pretty sure there aren’t even smears or mascara crumbs anymore after how hard I’ve cried. Heading to the kitchen, I take two more long drinks of water. I’m cracked and dehydrated. Moments later, I’m in my car, meandering down the Hunter private road, thankful to my parents for making our ranch a sanctuary.
I take one last look in my rearview mirror to make sure I tidied up my eyes as much as possible. They’re still a little puffy but the ice cubes I popped on them before leaving the house worked wonders. I almost look normal.
The lights are on in Sam and Colt’s house. No doubt I’ll be interrupting pre-turkey day meal prep. If I clean myself up good enough, I can pretend my intermittent tears are from the unimaginable amount of onion my mom likes to put in every side dish.
I sit in my car outside for a while. Is being here the right thing? The granny flat my mom lives in to the side of Big Sky is pitch-black. I know the routine on the night before any holiday. My mom always stays up later. Even more so in the years after Dad died. In the window, Colt emerges and peers down at my car. He must have heard me pull up and waves, gesturing for me to come in.
Colt is still up, too? I can’t help an audible whine from escaping. I draw in a few deep breaths and prepare myself to be normal and go inside. I can’t really talk to them. But I can’t be alone either. And now that my brother has seen me, it would be really weird to head home again. So Iclimb the stairs, draw in a cleansing breath, and open the door.
Warm, succulent smells fill me with an instant comfort upon entering.
