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She flinched. “No. I don’t. That would be devastating to me.”
“Then why don’t you trust us?”
“Why should I? You don’t have much of a track record of being upfront with your allies and even your own embassy.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the abandonment of Kabul, all those left behind to suffer untold agony and death.”
Her words hit him like a ton of bricks, and he braced his back against the wall. This conversation had turned into something he hadn’t expected, bringing back horrific memories of which he and his team had taken a long time to reconcile. He fumbled for clarity among the confusion her words had wrought.
Why was she bringing up one of the worst months of his and his team’s lives? The fall of Kabul was only the culmination of a battle they had waged across Afghanistan in working with Afghan National Defense and Security Forces. Many black missions that the world knew nothing about had been for nothing. The ANDSF crumbled and the country fell back into the bloody and brutal hands of the Taliban. They had all been exhausted by the time they made it to the capital where the fall of the city was imminent. Hell, Taliban forces were already in the downtown area before the government even realized it. His team was sent to the airport where they were then tasked with evacuating the embassy.
“Are you just jumping on the bandwagon of blaming all Americans for that debacle? Or are you just blaming US special forces guys you’re pissed at?”
“Hardly. I was there, Kodiak. I was at Abby Gate when the suicide bomber clacked his vest off and people…people died.”
Holy fuck!She had been there? His gut clenched at the memory of those harrowing days, and the things they had seen, no one should ever see. “What the fucking hell were you doing in Kabul during that time?”
Sensing that she was gathering her resolve to tell him about her experience, he waited, his gaze locked on her face, a hollowness descending over her finely sculpted features. Finally, she drew a deep, shaky breath and straightened, folding her arms tightly across her chest. “I was sent there to train the police force. As the summer progressed, there were several of us who asked what was happening and whether we should remain.” She turned her head toward the door, her profile stark against the bright lights. Kodiak didn’t interrupt, the torture of her emotions flowing in her words. “They assured us that everything was under control. Communication was terrible, spotty, and contradictory.” She finally looked at him, her gaze bleak. “We kept training. As August loomed, my interpreter was getting texts about how they were coming for him. That’s when we realized that something catastrophic had happened. We frantically called our superiors, but the chaos surrounding everything was unbelievable.” She clutched her arms tighter, then tipped her head back, staring at the ceiling. “By the time we realized the Taliban had taken back the country in eleven days, we were trapped and the only place to go was Hamid Karzai International Airport.” She closed her eyes, the muscles in her jaw working. Then she let out another sigh and looked at him. “You have no idea the chaos of thousands of people, the stench, the fear, the desperation,” she said, her voice devoid of any emotion.
Special Operations covered a large umbrella, and he was only part of the force assigned to the country just as things were heating up. His team was on alert to get any Americans out of hostile areas, including allied and NATO forces. “Yes, I do. I saw it firsthand. I was there, too, Kaiya.”
Her expression froze and she dropped her arms, then went still as if she wasn’t even breathing. There was a long, electric silence, her agitation almost palpable. She crossed the room to stand directly in front of him, a galvanizing charge sizzling between them as their gazes locked. Her eyes filled with compassion and a tentative shared connection opened between them. He could sense her hunger for him to understand her pain, guilt, and shame. It was as if she’d unlocked her heart.
“Then you know what I saw.” She kept her gaze on him, quiet for a moment, and Kodiak saw the horrible memories in her eyes. “What I went through to get home. How it weighed on me morally,” she whispered. He nodded, unable to speak about any of it. She closed her eyes, and Kodiak could see tears gathering in her lashes. “All those people trusted us, and we backed out on them.”
Her despair cut him to the quick. And something gave way inside him, the part of him that he had walled away from that terrible day washing over him again in the horror and the helplessness he’d endured while watching the Taliban who surrounded the airport, indiscriminately executing any Afghan they turned away, powerless to stop them, the breaking up of families, the children who had been orphaned by crowds trampling their parents, and the sight of all those Marines and people who had been caught in the blast at Abby Gate. He pulled her against him, pressing her ashen face against his shoulder. She was virtually a stranger, a woman that he wanted deep in his bones, but she needed his comfort right now, here. Someone who hadn’t only been there, but a member of the country she blamed for the chaos, rightly so.
Her chest heaved, and she pressed her face tighter against him. Then on another uneven breath, she slid her arms around his waist and held on for dear life.
Trying to ease the sudden knot in his throat, he tightened his arms around her and rested his head on top of hers, the hard wad of tension in his belly finally letting go. He gave her a few moments to regain her equilibrium, then he began rubbing her back. It took another thirty seconds, but she went slack against him, and she took a deep breath. Running his other hand up her neck under her hair, he shifted his head and rested his cheek against her temple.
He caught her chin and turned her face up to his, feeling as if every muscle in his body was stretched to the limit. He lifted her face, gazing somberly into her eyes as he ran his thumb along her jaw. “Now I get it. Now we can move forward and hash this out.”
She stared up at him, her face devoid of color, but it was the starkness he saw in her eyes that made his heart lurch. Doubt, uncertainty—and a desperate need.
His heart jumped into overdrive, pounding so hard that it felt as if it would come through his ribs. He shouldn’t do this. But he wanted to. God, he wanted to. Like he wanted his next breath.
He took her mouth, not giving a damn about the consequences. He’d been kissing women for quite some time, but Kaiya was special, and all those kisses felt erased by her response, the complexity of that one tiny breath caught at the back of her throat.
It was a good thing he hadn’t planned this because if he had, he would have crushed his mouth to hers and overwhelmed them both right off, so neither would have a moment to think or react until it was too late, the deed already done and out of the way, no longer taunting him with its inevitability. Then he might have a snowball’s chance in hell of focusing on why he was here and the job they needed to do.
But that little hitch in her breath, and those incredibly soft lips beneath his, devastated him. And just like that, the image of her defiance, her secrecy, and her distance…all of it gone, vanished. In its place burned the image of how she’d been moments ago. Defensive, apologetic, then vulnerable, her guard down. What little cool she’d managed to hold on to had come from sheer willpower.
The one little hitch and she didn’t feel poised or in control. She felt fragile, and crushed by her memories, and damn if he didn’t want to save her. He kissed her with a gentleness he didn’t typically express, and carefully avoided examining any further why that particular side of him surfaced now. The fragility of her was just one aspect of a deeply strong, fierce complex woman. But he discovered kissing her like this wasn’t just soothing her. It was soothing something deep inside of him that felt wholly connected to her in some bizarre way he couldn’t define.
Experiencing a rush of tenderness, his hand tangling in her hair, he moved his mouth over her sweet lips in a hot, deep kiss and she opened to him, her mouth against his with just as much tenderness. The ice was officially broken…in fact, it was thoroughly melted.
6
His kiss slowed,then stopped. For what seemed like an eternity, they stared at each other. His expression was as dazed as hers probably was, his gaze locked on to hers so intently it was as physical a connection as the kisses had been. There was a stunned silence between them, the power and essence they’d shared still reverberating in the air and making every molecule of her body tremble.
She shivered a little, thinking about how he tasted, how he kissed her as though he knew her, as though he had been kissing her for decades.
Kaiya snuggled against Kodiak’s big chest, his body stacks of muscle, wanting to stay right there for just about forever. On the plus side, she felt totally emptied. For the first time in a long time, her insides weren’t tied in knots. On the not-so-plus side, they had crossed a line she’d been trying to avoid, but couldn’t, like magnets who couldn’t escape each other’s magic field.
She lifted her head and looked at him, wanting to thank him. But there was no way she could get the words out. Her throat was just too tight. She clasped him tighter, aware—so desperately aware—of the man.
