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“Do you want us to come in for a bit?” Hunter says. “Don’t want you to feel like we’re ditching you.”
“Yeah,” Sutton says, agreeing. “I’d rather hang out with you anyway, to be honest.”
“What’s that, Little Bird?” Hunter shoots her a glare but grins.
I inwardly roll my eyes at their adorableness. “I’m fine. I’m just going to go up to bed.” I attempt to reassure them with a smile, but it’s a lousy one at best. “Night, lovebirds.”
I close the door, and as I head inside the house, I don’t know what to expect. For all I know, Cade could be upstairs with Poppy, having stupid hot-people sex. Maybe he was fooling me all along. Maybe I was just a challenge to him. Who knows?
When I hear a ruckus upstairs, my stomach turns. Even if I saw him having sex with another girl, I think I would still have this deep-rooted love for him. I know that’s sick. He holds a power over me. One I’ve never felt before with another human.
The nerves build as I walk up the stairs. And when I hear him swearing, along with footsteps in his room, I decide to chance seeing whatever I’m about to, and I push the door open.
What I actually see hurts more than I think seeing him with another woman would have. As I take in the sight of him pulling his drawers out and throwing clothes on the bed, making a complete disaster of his entire room, tears fill my eyes.
“Cade,” I whisper, my voice breaking. “Wh-what are you doing?”
It’s like I’m not even here as he continues searching for what I already know he’s looking for. Pills. Or maybe a money stash to buy them. But just seeing how rabid he is acting, I know it’s one or the other. And it rips my heart from my chest to watch this unfold before me.
One of Brooks’ most beloved guys. A good friend with a charming smile. Broken.
Setting my shoulders back, I inhale, closing my eyes for a split second to tell myself to be brave. And then I walk in front of him. His hand drags through his hair, and his face is angrierthan I’ve ever seen it. His soft blue eyes are gone. Replaced with a darkness I never thought he was capable of holding.
“Cade, talk to me.” I choke back the tears. “Tell me what you need.”
Using his arm, he gently shoves me to the side before reaching for the final untouched drawer in his dresser. And when I try to grab his arm, he yanks it back, causing me to fall against the wall.
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” he says, coming to me and lifting me back onto my feet. “I’m so sorry,” he says again.
This time, I can tell he’s on the brink of a meltdown.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Haley.” His voice shakes as he continues to whisper how sorry he is. “I’m sorry,” he sobs, clawing at my shirt.
He sits on the edge of his bed and pulls my body between his legs. As I stand there, he pushes his head against my stomach. Long, shaky, heartbreaking cries come from his lips, and I cry right along with him. Gone is the scary defenseman who takes no shit. Replaced with a sad, scared, lost boy. One I don’t think I can save.
“I don’t want to live this way,” he weeps. “Eli would be so fucking ashamed of me.”
When I was a kid, if I ever got the stomach flu, my mom would run her fingers through my hair, and no matter how awful I felt, it’d somehow help.
I delicately run my fingers through his hair, trying to comfort him even though I’m sure it’s hopeless. “Who’s Eli, Cade?” I ask softly. “It’s okay; you can tell me anything, I promise.”
He’s so quiet, aside from the sounds of his cries. “Eli was my best friend. And he’s dead because of me.” He shakes harder. His hands grab at my back, clawing at my shirt to bring me closer. “I can’t take the pain, Haley. I can’t fucking take it anymore.”
There are so many things I want to ask. But in this moment, I just want to let him know I’m here and that he can trust me. If I push too hard, I’ll scare him away. I don’t want to do that. Sadness fills my entire body like poison as he trembles against me in pain. A pain so deep that I know I can’t take it away, no matter how much I wish I could.
“Let me help you,” I whisper, gently running my fingers from his hair to his neck. “I want to help you, Cade.”
“You can’t help me. You’re too fucking perfect for me. I’ll ruin you, just like I’m ruined.” His voice turns to more of a grumble. “You should just leave me be. I’m a waste of fucking space, Haley. It’s never going to work”—his voice cracks—“with you and me.”
“You aren’t a waste of space.” I sniffle, realizing that there’s no time like the present to tell him how I feel.
Maybe if he knows the depth of my feelings, he’ll see that I want to help him through this.
“Cade … I love you.” I lean down, kissing the top of his head. “I don’t care if you think you’re ruined or a waste of space. I love you anyway. Just let me in. Let me love you.”
“You don’t mean that,” he says, burying his head into my shirt further. “You can’t love me, Haley. You read stories. Fairy tales. Ones where the guy saves the girl.” Finally, he looks up at me, his whole face soaked with tears. “I can’t save you. Fuck, all I do is cause you pain.”
He’s nearly hysterical now, and I don’t know what to do or how to calm him down. I know he’s having a breakdown, but then I think back to him talking to Poppy after the game and can’t help but wonder if that has anything to do with him falling apart right now.
