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And he held true to his word—for my freshman year at least.
Clearly, he thought I deserved more freedom than I did because after my first year with him, he stopped the random drug tests and wasn’t checking in with me as much. He thought he could trust me, and I let him down.
I can call my parents today, but I’m going to wait a few more hours. If I called right now, I’d just start bawling like a little bitch, and then my mom would cry even harder than I knowshe’s already going to. I don’t want to make her even sadder. She needs to think I’m all right. Even if I know I’m far from it.
19
Haley
Cade has officially been gone for five weeks. Time is passing at a turtle’s pace, but this pregnancy actually seems to be flying. Which makes zero sense, but whatever. After tomorrow, I’ll be in the second trimester of my pregnancy, which scares the crap out of me. It’s like I’m watching the grains fall in a sand timer, piling on the bottom. Making me realize there might be months to go, but it’s passing quickly. And I’m afraid that I still won’t be ready when July comes and it’s time for me to give birth.
The holidays are usually my favorite time of the year. But even with lots of upcoming family time during Christmas nextweekand a babyliterallygrowing inside of me … I’ve never felt more alone. And knowing deep down that there’s only one person who could make it better, and he can’t be here right now. Well, it’s like living in hell.
When it comes to Cade and his recovery, I don’t know what to do. I’ve written him a dozen letters. Yet I haven’t sent a singleone. I’m afraid that I’ll mess up his sobriety. I have no clue what the right thing to do is. But I also know it isn’t right to keep this baby a secret either.
Besides, he was using drugs the entire time we were sneaking around. Now that he’s sober and his mind is clear … what if he no longer looks at me the way he did when he was high?
Remi looks over at me from across the table as we sit in the library, both silently working on our computers to send in any last-minute assignments. Slowly, she shuts her screen and sighs.
“You’ve been so quiet lately, Hales. Are you okay?” She widens her brown eyes, sending me a warning. “And don’t even think about lying.”
Closing my own laptop, I rest my face in my palms as I lean forward. “I don’t know. I mean, personally? Yeah, I’m fine. I’m due in July, which means I can finish the school year and take the summer to settle into motherhood.” I fill my cheeks with air before slowly letting it trickle out. “But by the time Cade comes back home, I’ll be noticeably pregnant. I’m so afraid that this baby’s existence will send Cade into a spiral. But I also hate—hate—keeping it a secret from him because I feel guilty.”
“Have you considered going to see his parents?” She shrugs. “They might have some words of wisdom. They know their son better than anyone, right?”
I think for a moment. The last thing I want to do is for more people to know about the baby before Cade himself. But I also need to do the best thing for his recovery.
Slowly, I nod. “I haven’t. Not really anyway. But I’m going to do that. I mean, today was the last day of classes anyway, and now, we’re on break.” I sit up in my seat, tipping my chin up to try to appear braver than I actually am. “It’s about a four-hour drive. I’ll leave tonight, get a motel close by, and go see them tomorrow.”
“I’m coming with you,” she says quickly. “I’ll stay back at the motel while you go see them. But I don’t want you driving there alone. Besides, that’s sort of on the way back home to Tennessee. We can just make it one big trip since we planned to go home for Christmas anyway.”
“You are the best friend I could ask for,” I say softly. “For real.”
“I’ll be the best aunt too.” She winks. “She’ll know she can come to Auntie Remi when she gets into trouble.”
“She?” I laugh. “You know, she could be a he!”
“Could be, but my money is on a girl. Shall we name her Wally—after Walgreens, where I took you to get that test?”
“Um, no.” I scowl. “Let’s not and say we did.”
Getting up, I gather up my stuff. “Let’s go. Before I change my mind.”
I just hope his parents don’t hate me. Or worse, think I tried to trap him into this.
Cade
I walk through the main lobby, and I smile because despite having to spend the holidays in rehab, I know my mom is going to love all the Christmas decorations in this place. I’ve never been one to care about shit like that, but when you’re confined to a place, you appreciate things you probably didn’t even notice before. In my case, it’s shiny, bright, festive decorations and whatever smelly shit they’ve put out to make it smell like pine in here.
My parents will be here for Christmas Eve and will stay in a motel nearby and return Christmas Day. It’s not ideal to spend Christmas in rehab. But if doing it this one time means I never have to do it again, so be it.
I’ve talked to my parents almost daily since I got my phone privileges. And Coach a few times, as well as some of the guys on the team, including Link, Hunter, and Watson. I’ve considered calling Haley I don’t know how many times, but I keep thinking maybe she’s moved on. Maybe she’s dating someone new and hasn’t thought of me. I mean, girls like her could do a lot better than a dude in rehab—that’s for sure. Why would she wait around for my ass to get straight and come home?
I almost asked Hunter how she was doing, but I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. As far as I know, he has no idea she and I were as close as we were. And even though I don’t care anymore if he knows the truth, she might not feel that same way.
I consider writing her a letter. If I send it out today, it will reach her just in time for Christmas. But what would I say? Tell her I love her even though I have nothing to offer right now? No, I can’t do that. Not only because I am a mess, but also because Buck told me I can’t be in a relationship until I’ve been sober for one year.
And by then, she’ll definitely have moved on.
