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“Well, on the bright side of me fucking that up … I hear it’s really fucking cold there. So, that might be tough on my nuts, you know?” I joke to lighten Coach’s mood, but it doesn’t work. “I’m more of a sunshine boy, to be honest.”
“You play hockey,” he mutters. “Onice.”
“Yeah, but when I’m done, I don’t have to walk outside to a fucking blizzard.” I shrug. “Now, that would suck.”
“Huff, are you forgetting that Cam Hardy plays for the Bruins? You’d be skating alongside him.”
“You mean, I would have,” I say, giving him a pointed look. “Before I did a bunch of drugs and landed myself in rehab.” When Coach gives me a harsh glare, I shrink in my seat. “Sorry. Too soon?”
“I’m not convinced that they won’t be calling again. I think they will. Maybe not this year, but next.” He reclines in his seat, strumming his fingers on his chin. “You’rethatgood, Huff. At least, you are when you want to be. When you’re clear-minded.”
“You can just say when I’m not on drugs. I don’t mind,” I deadpan.
“Goddammit, Huff. Stop trying to joke everything off and just be serious with me for five minutes, would you? Letting yourself feel pain isn’t going to be the demise of you. Not feeling it? Well, that could be.” He pulls his hat off, holding it above his head. “I’m pretty sure ten more gray hairs just popped up in the time you’ve been sitting here.” Pulling it back over his head, he clears his throat. “If what you want is to play professional hockey, I’ll do everything in my power to get you there, Cade.” He pauses fora beat. “But if that isn’t what you want? If being on the ice at the NHL level isn’t your dream? Well … that’s fine too. Hell, Huff, I don’t give a fuck if you want to be an astronaut or a NASCAR driver. Whatever you want to do with your life, that’s what I’m pushing for.”
I look away, ashamed as I gather the courage to open up.It’s Coach. I can trust him.
“Eli, he, uh … he always wanted to be a Wolf here at Brooks. More than anything, he wanted us to come here and play together. And after that, he wanted to be on any NHL team that would take him.” My voice grows thicker. Getting the words out gets harder. “Least I can do is carry out part of his dream. He might not be able to do it, but I can.”
“I didn’t know him personally, but from what I’ve gathered, Eli had a bright future, Cade. He was a good kid. But things happen. Awful, fucking terrible, unfair things.” His eyes soften. “You can’t turn back time. And you also can’t carry the guilt of that night around anymore. From what I’ve been hearing lately, you have too much to be thankful for.” He pauses, inhaling. “I’m going to ask you, and you’re going to be honest. Eli aside, do you want to play professional hockey?”
My chest tightens. And breathing becomes a little harder as I drop my gaze down. “No.” I barely croak out the single word.
“Is that why you were joking around about losing a chance with the Bruins because you went to rehab? Instead of trying to think of a way to make them want you again?”
“No. Well, yeah. Maybe.” I shrug, feeling embarrassed. “I don’t know. I’m sorry I wasted your time, Coach.”
“What in the hell does that nonsense mean?” His eyebrows shoot together. “Wasted my time?”
“You let me into this program even though you knew I was a fuckup. And you shared your knowledge and resources to make me good enough to be noticed by the pros, but I fucked thatup without knowing it.” I pull my lips to the side as my knee bounces. “Now, there’s a possibility I could get another shot. And here I am, telling you I don’t want it. No matter what I do, I fuck up.”
“I don’t give a shit if you want to work at McDonald’s, Huff. I just want you to be happy and healthy.” His head dips to the side. “But answer me this: have you always known you don’t want that life? Or did you decide recently?”
I know right then that I’m done lying. To myself. To Coach. To everyone.
“I’m an addict, Coach.” I say the words for the first time, almost not recognizing it’s my own voice saying them. “Do you really think that type of lifestyle is what I need? Fame? Loads of money? Appearances and parties?” I shake my head. “It’s not. All I wanna do is be the man Haley and the baby deserve. Not the strung-out one. Not the dude going to parties and getting fucked up off his ass. The one who doesn’t know what he has.” I swallow. “If you put me in the limelight, that’s exactly who I’ll be. I’m not strong enough to be anything else.”
“So, you want to give up all aspects of hockey after your time at Brooks is over?” he asks, but there’s no judgment in his voice.
“I love hockey. I love the way it feels when my skates touch the freshly groomed ice. I love the sound of the crowd and the buzz of their energy. I love how bright the lights are in the arena, and I love how unpredictable it all is.” I smile sadly. “But I mostly love hockey because it’s where I feel him most.”
“Eli,” Coach says, and I nod.
I drag a hand down my face, hating that I’m about to break Coach’s heart. “My days of hockey are over. Not just my future in the pros, but my time as a Wolf. I’m sorry. I wanted to come back strong and help the team get to a Frozen Four. But I need to walk away.” I exhale. “Even if that’s terrifying. Because without it, I don’t know who I am. But I also know I can’t afford to getinjured and need painkillers. So, the way I see it, it’s a dead-end street. One that I don’t want to continue on.”
The room grows quiet, but the silence between us screams loudly in my ears.
Finally, Coach speaks. “I can’t say I’m not sad because I am. I’ve coached a ton of players, and you’re one of the most talented yet. But I respect the hell out of you for making this decision, Huff. It’s not easy to set those tough boundaries you need in order to stay healthy. You’re a good man. And I’m proud of you.” He reaches over, patting the top of my hand quickly before pulling back. “You’ll probably think I’m crazy. But I’ll ask you anyway. Have you ever considered coaching?” He shrugs. “Might be something to look into.”
“A coach should be someone the players look up to. An example of who they want to be.” My head hangs. “Who the fuck would look at me and want to walk in my shoes?” I look up at the pictures scattered on his walls. Some of his daughter and granddaughter, others of his wife, but a lot of his team. “Your players trust you because they respect you. Why would anyone respect me?”
“Trust and respect are earned, Huff.” His voice is suddenly somber. “Don’t count yourself out yet. You’ve got work to do. That’s obvious. But I believe in you. Besides, the best coaches have learned a lot of hard lessons. I dare to say you’ve certainly earned your stripes when it comes to that. So, what do you say? Maybe, down the road, you’ll give it a try?”
“I don’t know.” I blow out a breath. “Everything is such a mess right now. Don’t get me wrong; I know I’m to blame. I made it this way.” I rub my eyes, wiping away the wetness. “I’m fresh out of rehab, trying to find my place on campus as a normal student instead of a Wolf. I can’t be with Haley until I’ve been sober for a year. I’m going to have a kid, and I don’t know the first thing about babies. I don’t want to fuck up again.I’m fucking petrified, Coach. I’m scared that just me won’t be enough for Haley and the baby. They deserve everything.” I pause. “I mean, if I’m never an NHL star or inducted into the Hall of Fame, if I don’t win some crazy award or have millions of dollars in my bank account … what will that make me?”
He smiles a bit as he leans forward. “Well, that’ll make you Cade Huff. Father to a beautiful baby. Hopefully future husband to Haley. A son to your parents. A friend to your teammates.” He reaches over, patting my arm. “And I think that means you’ll be plenty, my boy.”
I look at Coach. His face shows he’s not bullshitting. And LaConte isn’t the type to fake something.
