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“I felt so damn guilty. I woke her up, told her to get out, then I went and told Roger. He was angry, but he said he knew his wife had been up to something. Never thought I’d give in, but I told him I’d been blind drunk and didn’t even remember anything.”
“Is that why you were so distant all those months?”
I nodded. “She wasn’t even dead a week, and I slept with someone else.”
“You talk to the pastor about it?”
“Yeah. He told me I did nothing wrong. I mean, Lisa and I had been separated, about to be divorced. She’d basically moved on with someone else. She only moved back home because she got cancer. Then I went off and slept with her best friend.”
“What does all of this have to do with Emma?”
“Tonight, when we were dancing…I wanted her more than I’ve ever wanted another woman. Including Lisa.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that, Aiden. So you’ve developed feelings for her. Why is that so bad?”
I shook my head. “No, you don’t understand. You don’t get it, Dalton. I feel something for her that I haveneverfelt before. Not even with Lisa. The thought of letting her into my heart, and then her leaving?” I shook my head. “I don't think I would survive.”
“If Emma left? Dude, why are you even thinking like that?”
“Because it’s more than just me! I have to think about Hadley. If anything went wrong, she’d leave, and Hadley would lose another person she loves.”
I closed my eyes and exhaled. “Everyone thought I was so distraught about Lisa dying, and I was. I was upset that Hadley had lost her mother. I was scared to parent on my own, worried what life would be like for my daughter. When Lisa told me she just wanted to die, that she didn’t want to do the treatments anymore, I wasso madat her. Furious at her for wanting to leave Hadley again, after she’d already left us once and moved out. For not loving her enough to stay and fight for her daughter. For her own life!”
He nodded. “I never knew she wanted to stop treatments. That had to be so hard for you, Aiden. And no one would ever blame you for being scared. I couldn’t imagine doing all this without Tammy. Not in a million years.”
I sighed. “Emma is so different. I can’t put it into words, but she’s…resilient. And she makes me feel happy every damn day. The kind of happy I never felt with Lisa.”
“And that’s bad?”
“Yes and no. It feels really good to be happy again. To let some of that grief go. It’s been good for Hadley too. But when I look at Emma, when I think of all the things I want to do with her, the guilt just grows. I’m too afraid.”
“Of letting her in?”
Turning to face him, I replied, “Of loving her more than I loved Lisa…then hurting her because I’m not sure Icanlet her in. I don’t want to risk making things bad between us, enough that she leaves Hadley. It would destroy her. She loves Emma.”
Dalton sighed. “I’ve told you before, you need to let the guilt go, Aiden. So you slept with Nancy. Big deal. You weren’t carrying on an affair with her, and you didn’t sleep with her while you and Lisa were still together, and only did it once. Youwerenotcheating. God, Lisa was the one seeing another man. Before the cancer, she was ready to run off with him to California and leave you and Hadley behind. Are you forgetting that?”
My head dropped.
He put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “Don’t be afraid of the feelings you have for Emma. Be honest with her, she needs that. She deserves that. Even if you decide not to tell her how you feel, why can’t you be friends? Stop saying she’s the nanny, and say she’s a friend who’s working for you, a friend who’s helping both you and Hadley. Stop trying to put this label on her in order to hide how you feel.”
I didn’t reply, but I let his words sink in.
Dalton put his truck in drive and took me home. The only thing I remembered after that was crawling into bed before I passed out.
It felt like I had barely closed my eyes when I heard the sound of my daughter’s laughter ring through the house.
Hadley was home.
“Crap,” I mumbled as I climbed out of bed. The pounding in my head felt like a jackhammer. Quickly getting dressed in sweats and a T-shirt, I made my way to the kitchen.
“Daddy! Grams said we couldn’t wake you up.”
“Why not?” I asked, looking at my mother for the answer.
“I wasn’t sure how late you were out last night.”
Hadley gasped. “You go on a date, Daddy?”
