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Unbelievable.
My knuckles are white on the steering wheel as I drive back from Salem to New York, my phone calling my name from the passenger seat. I want to call Amanda, but she probably wouldn't even pick up. I've missed her so much, and now she has to come in and do this...
I grab my phone and pull up her contact card—a contact I only just took off speed dial—and the phone rings over my speakers as I drive down the freeway.
And for the first time in years...she picks up.
"Hi, Ryan."
I didn't expect this to fuck with me so much, but my whole body feels like it's shaking when I hear her voice. Amanda—the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, the one who told me when we were both in our forties that she didn't want kids and preferred to live alone—is actually talking to me.
"Hi, Amanda," I say.
The silence fills the car, just the sound of her breathing over the speakers. There's also something else there—a soft mew, little paws, and a jingling bell.
"Did you get a cat?" I ask in surprise.
She laughs. "That is not why I thought you were calling."
"It's not," I say, "but I thought you were a dog person."
"Turns out I'm a cat person," she says. "Who knew?"
The highway hums under my car, and my heart rate finally calms down. I take a deep breath and exhale, finally ready to talk about why I called her in the first place.
"Sophia told me you stopped by to pick up some of your stuff," I say. "It's about time."
Amanda's voice is tense when she responds. "Yeah...I know. I was just...I was ashamed. I'm sorry."
"You don't have to be sorry," I mutter. "We wanted different things. It's fine. I just wish...well, I guess youshouldbe sorry because I told you we could stay in each other's lives, still be friends…"
"Yeah, I couldn't do that," she says. "Maybe...maybe now. But not then."
Fuck, this is more complicated than I want it to be. "Why?"
"Because I couldn't stand how badly I hurt you," she says. "Ryan...I ruined your life."
"You didn't."
"I did."
I haven't thought about it in a long time—I try not to—but things were messy between us. I moved to New York to be with her so we could finally settle down after years of being long-distance while she kick-started her career. We were both in our late thirties; I wanted to get married and have a family...
Only four years after I got here did she tell me she preferred it when we were apart.
That she didn't want kids.
And it hurt, but I got that she needed to do what was right for her.
"Amanda, I don't blame you for what happened," I say. "I just...fuck, I miss our friendship. I mean, you got a cat, and I had no idea. You felt like you had to sneak into our old apartment...I hate that. I wish you didn't feel that way."
She sighs. "I know, Ryan. I'm sorry."
"It's been two years," I mutter. "Do you think we could finally start to move on?"
She clears her throat. "Well...I thought you already had. She's pretty."
"Who?"
