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“Come on, Lettie. Lenora will know what to do.”
“I'm not a bit changed—not really. I'm only just pruned down and branched out. The real ME—back here—is just the same.”
?LUCY MAUD MONTGOMERY, ANNE OF GREEN GABLES
SIXTY-ONE
2017
TUCK
I had knownit would only be a matter of time before I would have to explain myself and what had happened that night twelve years ago. I’d thought for years about this moment and what I would say to try to rectify what I’d done to her.
I looked down, finding it difficult to meet her eyes. I noticed her feet shift around, and she moved closer to me.
“Tuck, I’ve waited twelve years to ask that question. The least you could do is look me in the eye and give me an answer. Heck, I don’t even care if you make it up. Tell me you joined a pirate gang and left out to sea. Tell me you were recruited into the CIA and have been on a top secret mission. Anything.”
My eyes slowly moved up her body and met her green eyes. “It wasn’t any of that. I just thought I was doing the right thing.”
“How?” she asked. Her tone was curious and not at all accusatory or angry, which somehow made me feel even worse.
“I don’t know.” I dropped my arms to my side and leaned against the counter. “I was eighteen, and I didn’t feel like I was good enough for you. I didn’t want to expose you to a life like the one I lived. You were so pure, so perfect. I never wanted my trauma to impact you. I couldn’t stand the possibility that you would give up everything for me and one day realize that you were unhappy and resent me.”
“I could have never resented you. None of that stuff ever mattered to me. I told you that.” She halted and leaned against the counter next to me. “And you know, I don’t think it was right for you to decide my life for me. That wasn’t fair.”
“I know,” I replied. “I know that. If it’s any consolation… I know I fucked up. I’ve known for twelve years that I made the biggest mistake of my life that night. I spent so much time wishing I could just take it all back, but by the time I was done with basic, I got deployed immediately. I was gone for years, and then Lenora told me you were engaged and it just felt too late.”
She turned her face and then her body toward me. “Why didn’t you just write to me? Tell me all of that in a letter?”
I shrugged. “Why does anyone do anything when they are eighteen? I told myself it was because you never wrote me. I never got the letter saying you forgave me, and I didn’t want to stir things up if you had moved on.”
“I hadn’t,” she admitted. “I hadn’t moved on. And I’m sorry I didn’t write you.”
“I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t have written to me either. I haven’t been able to forgive myself, so I wasn’t surprised that you couldn’t.”
Her hand met mine, and I flexed my fingers at the electricity I felt at her touch. “No, Tuck, it’s not that—”
“Really. I don’t need an explanation. I understand.”
“No, you don’t. You can’t understand becauseIdidn’t even understand. All I know is that when I found that letter, my heart was broken. Teddy found me the next morning in the gazebo, and I couldn’t even speak. He and Lenora brought me home and then things just got worse.” She wiped the tears from her face. “I found out I was pregnant two days later.”
My vision immediately blurred and I felt the room tilt. I grabbed a hold of the counter and braced myself, trying to keep my mind from spinning. Lettie had been pregnant? I’d left her and she’d been pregnant? My stomach was in pain. A gnawing so deep, I could feel it in my bones. I tried to speak but my words halted on the tip of my tongue. I just looked at her, watching as the past resurfaced.
“I lost the baby at ten weeks. It was too much for me. The grief of losing you and then losing our baby was overwhelming. Lenora baked me cookies and scones and pies and rubbed my back while I cried myself to sleep every night for months and months. After a while, I tried to write to you. I wanted to write to you because I wanted to think that, one day, we would be able to be together. But every time I tried, a piece of my heart broke all over again. I tried, I really did. I wanted to forgive you, but by the time I got to a point where I thought I had, it had been over a year and I couldn’t bear the idea that I might fall apart again. I didn’t think I could survive it.”
I could feel the warmth fall down my face and I tried to wipe it away before she noticed, but Lettie placed her hand on the side of my cheek.
“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice cracking as the tears kept coming. I freely let myself feel her pain and I couldn’t stop myself from crying into her hand. “I was so stupid.”
Lettie stood in front of me, her hands now on both sides of my face. “It’s been a long time.”
I nodded. “I never wanted to hurt you. I just didn’t think I was good enough for you.”
“You were alwaystoogood for me,” she whispered. “You were the best person I knew. Probably still are.”
“I doubt that,” I replied, closing my eyes as her hand traced along my jaw. Her fingers found the scar under my scruff.
“This is new,” she said as I opened my eyes, the tears still falling. “What happened here?”
