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“Do you think you’re too good for affection? Too manly?”
“Have I ever given the impression I care about gender norms? I do what I want, who I want, when I want. I wear anything that catches my eye. Do you think I’m suddenly going to feel too macho to cuddle?” He laughed quietly. I’d almost forgotten Tarryn was sleeping in the next room.
“So, you don’t cuddle because you’re not interested in affection?”
“I don’t cuddle because I don’t understand it. I mean, I know how to hold a child and comfort them, but adults are a mystery. Cuddling feels…dangerous.” He sat up and gave me an awkward shrug. “Usually, I don’t stay because I don’t know what’s supposed to come afterward.”
Oh.
I’d assumed he had no use for us outside of sex and mockery.
“You’ve never really been affectionate withanyone?”
“Other than my niece and nephew? No.”
“I’m guessing not your parents either.”
He gave a low, bitter laugh. “I was an adult when I met my father, and unsurprisingly, he wanted nothing to do with the son he’d been paying Martine’s blackmail to hide. My brother isn’t much of a hugger, although he’s working on that.”
“And your mother?”
“Things between my mother and I were anything but healthy. I did what I was told. She used me herself when she needed relief with no strings attached. She loaned me out at parties. She taught me how to be pleasing to both men and women, but when she was done with me, she put me away, like an inconvenient toy.”
My stomach turned. His own mother had used him? Sexually? I forced myself not to look shocked. I hadn’t been abused, but I’d heard enough horror stories from my foster brothers and sisters.
“I know. It’s disgusting. I should have fought back harder. I should have known better, but I didn’t. She kept me away from media, so I didn’t know what a normal family looked like. I didn’t understand that she dealt in evil. I wanted her to find me useful—I tried so hard to be pleasing.”
The two of us were quiet, and I wasn’t sure what to say or how to say it. Maybe it wasn’t my job to say much of anything while I listened to him.
“I’m sorry you didn’t have anyone healthy to learn from.”
“I’m glad you had Tarryn so that you didn’t lose practice. You two will need each other with me around. I’m not terribly useful, other than to provide sex and excitement.”
“But you said Severin is learning to like affection.”
“He’s been surrounded by people who love him, and has seen healthy affection modeled for most of his life.”
“But he didn’t like it automatically either.”
“His therapist thinks he may be autistic somewhere underneath all of the trauma, and my therapist thinks I am, too.”
“Maybe you can also learn to like affection.” What was I offering him? Was I trying to convince him that we should cuddle? What would that even be like? I had to admit, I enjoyed the feel of him against me. It wasn’t like I wanted to be a little spoon or anything, but maybe that wouldn’t be entirely terrible.
“So, you think I should practice, and see if it’s something I didn’t realize I needed?” He pressed his lips together. “And where am I supposed to get that affection after the two of you get rid of your inconvenient toy?”
“That’s not what you are to us.”
“No?” He had been staring at the TV for the past few moments, as though he couldn’t bear to say the words while he stared into my eyes, as he often did.
“You’re not a toy, but I’m not sure what we are. I can tell Tarryn has feelings for you, but...” I grimaced.
“But you’re too straight to have feelings for a man?”
“Well, some of it is that, but at this point, I think more of it is that, our time together is usually violent and anxiety provoking rather than pleasant. I have a lot of strong feelings where you’re concerned, but I’ve never had feelings like this about anyone else, and so it’s hard for me to interpret them.”
“Do you hate me?”
“That depends on what you’re doing to me at the time.”
