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“They, not he.” He ran a finger over one of his bookcases, as though checking for dust. His finger came away with a thick coating, and he brushed his hands together to clean them. “When I first came to America, I fucked up everything with Severin and his family.” He looked ashamed, his mouth twisting with remembered pain. “By the time I met Jack, I was courting danger and half-dead from not taking care of myself. They saved me.”
“And so, you paint pictures of them over your doors?” I was trying to follow his line of reasoning.
“It’s where people put pictures of their saints, right? Jack reminds me that I can be human, if I choose to be. They’re my friend and my therapist. My conscience, too, when I listen.”
“What did you do to mess things up with your brother in the first place?” Valor pressed, not content with the CliffsNotes version.
Loïc groaned. “When I got here, I was so excited to be free—so eager to be part of something. They welcomed me into their family, but I wanted more. I made advances on Minnow and Rodrigo, sure that if I could convince one of them to accept me into their actual relationship, the others would follow. I could stay with them forever.” He picked up a baseball that sat on his bookcase and tossed it in the air and caught it. “I didn’t understand how families worked, but I knew Severin was going to be the hardest to convince. So, when we were alone one day, I kissed him. He’s never been comfortable with physical affection, even from the people he’s chosen as his partners, so you can imagine how badly that went. I’ll never forgive myself for doing that to him.”
“He’s your brother,” Valor said, grimacing.
He smiled sourly. “Like I told you, I lost my virginity to my mother, and she later auctioned off my ass to the highest bidder. Kissing my brother didn’t seem like a big deal at the time.”
Bile filled the back of my throat, but I forced myself to swallow it down. What had happened to him was horrifying, but I didn’t want to make him feel like he had to hold back from us. I took his hand, and he let me lean against his shoulder.
“Your mother?” I tried to keep my voice level, but it shook despite my best efforts. “That was the woman you were in a relationship with? The one who you got pregnant?”
“Yes. Martine. Didn’t Valor tell you?”
Valor shook his head. “I figured you’d tell her yourself when you were ready.”
I nodded, glad Valor hadn’t told me. Loïc’s traumatic past wasn’t his information to share.
“It was an abusive relationship, I’ve since learned—on top of the grooming and incest. I was physically abused. Purposefully kept ignorant of a lot of the real world. Isolated. Not just from Severin, but from our sisters. We weren’t allowed to spend much time together, and then eventually they were married off to old men. I didn’t get to go to school—never had friends. She even got rid of servants who showed me kindness.”
He was looking at the floor rather than either of us.
“I don’t know if I can explain how little I knew about the outside world when I came here. I showed up and traumatized them all, and I can’t account for why they gave me a second chance. I didn’t deserve it.” His voice broke, and he stopped. His last words had been loud, and the ensuing silence rang in my ears.
My head was spinning, trying to make sense of what he was saying as pieces fell into place. No wonder he was such a mess. My heart ached for the boy he’d been, and for the man who’d had to do so much work to adjust to the realworld.
“I know better now,” he almost begged, as though worried he’d said too much. “If I do things that are wrong, tell me and I’ll try to fix it. Okay? You don’t need to be afraid of Loïc.”
It felt like I’d swallowed a rock that wouldn’t go down.
“You wouldn’t do that to Severin and his family now,” Valor observed.
“I’m better than I was, and I’ll keep working on it. Sometimes, I’m unpredictable, and sometimes I’m horrid, but just tell me, and I’ll do anything to make it better.” He rubbed at his eyes, and I realized I was crying. “Was it too soon to tell you?”
“Like Valor said, I don’t know if a conversation like this ever has a right time, but no, it wasn’t too soon,” I replied. “I’m sorry you went through so much.”
“Everyone goes through things, yes? People have been through much worse. I have everything now, so I try to let the old, bad memories go. My brother and his family have forgiven me, and I’ve shown them they can trust me. I learn as fast as I can, but I make mistakes. Sometimes, you have to explain like I’m a child, but I am trying.”
I took a step toward him, but Valor reached him first. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, but seeing Valor pull him into a bear hug wasn’t it. Loïc looked as surprised as I felt, but he clung to Valor, burying his face against his neck.
“You do like Loïc,” he mumbled.
“Of course, we do. We wouldn’t be here if we didn’t.”
Valor reached for me, and I joined them, glad to be included even though I hadn’t planned to interrupt.
“No matter what happens between us, we’ll try to figure things out,” Valor assured him the same way he used to with me, back when we were teenagers with no support system.
What were the chances of three hurt people like us ending up together?
Then again, maybe this was exactly as things were meant to be.
Chapter Twenty-One: Loïc
