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Maybe I shouldn’t be thinking about you, but I am.
Talk soon? Please?
Drew.
Okay, I may be actively avoiding Drew since we got back to the States. We needed some time apart. Give us time to take a breath and reset our friendship after pretending to be in a relationship for two weeks.
After our close encounter on the dock, things between us softened. Not entirely, but enough to bring down the wall of pillows in our bed.
I couldn’t help it. That night, after skinny dipping, I couldn’t seem to warm up. And Drew was there, with his broad chest and big hands. What, I was just going to say no to that? So, I removed two pillows from the top half of the fence and snuggled into his chest.
Drew accepted me into his arms without a word. No questions. No attempt at anything more. Just held me all night.
In the morning, we pretended like it didn’t happen.
The same thing happened the final three days of our trip. Pretending in public we were lovers, pretending in private we weren’t.
The mental gymnastics was exhausting.
We’ve exchanged a few texts since returning home. But the past three weeks, I’ve avoided phone calls and invitations to hang out.
Hasn’t stopped him from trying. In fact, this is the third bouquet of flowers he’s sent me. One for each week I’ve been distant. And flowers aren’t the only thing he’s sent. He also sent me a double batch of his famous garbage cookies, the only thing he really knows how to bake. Cookies with anything in the pantry, at least anything that could reasonably go into cookies without someone turning their nose up at them.
I ate them all and didn’t share. Something about stress does that.
I pull out my phone and snap a picture for Kira. She texts me back not even three seconds later with a line of expletives and then–
Just kiss already!
If only she knew we did a lot more than that in Maldives.
My sisters think I’m crazy for resisting his advances. Because that’s what they are. He can say they’re in the name of friendship (yellow roses! The friendship color! Yeah, right), say that it’s just because he wants me back in his life asfriends, but all of this is giving way more than friendship.
It’s giving romance.
I’m so close to giving into it.
But something keeps holding me back.
I know Drew too well. He’s become my best friend in the past two years. But before that, I was his counselor. Another two years where I got to know the deepest parts of him. He was ruthlessly honest and open. Which is good. That’s how it should be.
The thing about grief counseling is that you don’t just hear about a person’s grief. You hear about their whole lives. Because grief doesn’t live in some sort of vacuum. It affects everything just as it’s affected by everything.
I was party to his relationship with Willow ending. Let me be clear, that relationship needed to end.
However, I also have heard him say some choice things about his ability to commit.
“Who is to say I’m even meant to be in a relationship? Meant for all that. Sounds like something in a fairy tale, if I’m honest.”
I remember that day vividly. Three months in. He smiled that small, quintessential Drew smile. Tight and sneaky, yet utterly adorable. He must have been a hellion who all the teachers loved in school. But anyway, I remember that day because it was the first day my heart skipped a beat. Drew’s an attractive guy, that’s obvious. But just because a man is attractive doesn’t mean you want to give yourself over to him.
That was the first moment I wanted to give myself over to Drew.
And it terrified me.
Because if he was afraid of his ability to commit, who is to say he would be any different than my own mother? My mother did the unthinkable, walking out on a husband and five children after almost twenty years of marriage. Of motherhood. And she washed her hands of us. Clean. We were all left with the dirt and wreckage of her disappearance.
I believe in the goodness of people. I’ve also seen the worst of them. And as much as I love Drew (platonically, right?), I fear he will leave. I’ve feared it through our friendship. I can only imagine that feeling would intensify if we got any closer.
