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“I…” God, howamI doing with all of it? It’s been such a whirlwind since finding out we have a baby on the way that I’m not sure I’ve even stopped to consider myself.
Kent reaches out and touches my arm, squeezing supportively. “You can come talk to me about anything, you know? I care for you, Drew. And becoming a father can be isolating if you don’t have a network of them.”
I nod. “Thank you.”
“I’m sure Hunter, Grant, and Axel would all have their own support to give you. But I want to be your number one. After all, it’s my grandchild,” Kent says with a mischievous smile.
“Now you’re the one bringing up the mortality,” I say cheekily.
Kent throws back his head in laughter. “Suppose I am. And nowyou’redeflecting.”
I am. Because I don’t know.
“You don’t have to know.”
Jesus, did I say that out loud?“I’m…overjoyed. Euphoric about the whole thing. You know how much I care for Dana. And if you don’t–”
“I do. I can see it.”
“Thank you. Yeah…yeah. There’s no one else I’d want to do this with.” I bite my lower lip.
“I am sure she feels the same.”
“I hope so.”
“I know so.”
“Thank you. Again.”
Kent sits and waits for me to reveal more. What is it about those fatherly eyes that just seems to bring all my emotions to the surface?
“I don’t want to disappoint her. Or you. Or the baby.”
“How would you be a disappointment, Drew?”
I shift uncomfortably in my seat. “I didn’t exactly have the best role model when it comes to fathers.”
“And you’re afraid you’ll end up the same way, huh?”
“Yes. Exactly.”
Kent takes another sip of coffee and then grabs a big piece of coffee cake. “Just the fact that you’re considering it and thinking about how you might impact the woman you love and your child already means you’re going to be nothing like him.”
I sigh. “You really think so?”
“Call it fatherly intuition. And don’t worry, you don’t have it yet, it will kick in. Sooner than you think.”
“Yeah?”
Kent nods and, with a mouthful of coffee cake, says, “It’s already happening to you. You just don’t know it. But the carefulness you’re feeling with Dana and wanting to make sure things are going alright, that’s part of it.” He swallows and looks off for a second. “The second it hits you, though, it’s just going to be like a slap in the face. The best slap in the face, but still. A slap.”
“When did you feel it with Dana?”
Kent does a double take; I wonder if I’ve asked something too personal until he starts to speak again. “Well, I guess it’s when you start to be able to feel them moving. Mothers always get to feel that first, you know? But the first time you can actually feel your baby kicking…” Kent pauses. The rims of his eyes are red. “When that baby becomes reallyreal. And you can truly conceptualize how much the woman you love is going through to give you another piece of her to love. It’s–” He looks down into his lap.
I plan to have Dana forever. And Kent probably planned for the same with Aileen. It must be so painful to have beautiful memories tainted by who a person becomes.
Kent takes his napkin and wipes at the corners of his eyes, a smile bleeding onto his lips. “There’s nothing like it, Drew.”
