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I try to, but I can’t. I shut my eyes tight. There’s an aching in my chest. An emptiness.
Something I’ve been avoiding for a long time now. Something I haven’t let myself look at.
“I’m not over it.”
“Mom?” Harley asks.
I nod.
“I don’t think any of us are.”
“No, but–“ Deep breath. “I’ve never had a chance to even think about it. I was so worried about all of you. You were all so dependent on me.” I swallow, but it hurts. There’s so much tension built up in my jaw. How long have I been holding this back? “I had to keep it together for all of you. I don’t think I’ve ever even cried…” I stop. My eyes ache with unshed tears. “I’ve never even cried over her leaving.”
And right there in fucking Oh, Baby! the tears come trembling down my cheeks. Huge sobs. No one likes crying in public, but in a venue such as this, I doubt anyone would question it.
Gillian wraps her arms around me and lets me go to town, soaking her shoulder with my salty tears. I feel Harley’s hand on my shoulder. “We’re sorry, Dana.”
“Yeah, really sorry.”
I want to tell them they don’t have to be sorry. It was never their fault. I wanted to be everything for them. Iwantedto take care of them. But no words come out, just choked weeping.
The person who owes me an apology is our mother and the fucked up thing is, I’d never demand that of her. I just want her back. I want her to be the mom she was when I was just a little girl and she was tucking me in at night. I want to smell her, that specific smell mothers have that only their children can identify them by. I want to cry on her shoulder, want to celebrate my life with her, I want…
I want my mom.
But at the same time Idon’twant my mother. I guess I just want to be able to know what it would feel like to be going through this withamom who cares.
“Here.” Gillian hands me a tissue.
I dab at my eyes and blow my nose, suddenly overcome with mortification as I glance around the store and see people shopping, trying to mind their own business. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
“It’s okay, we both know how emotional it can get. Trust me,” Harley says with a small chuckle.
“And you want to do this again?” I say incredulously.
Harley laughs. “It ends up being worth it. Trust me.”
“Trustus,” Gillian says, squeezing my arms.
I do.
Gillian’s loving smile falters. She turns her eyes away from me. “Dana, this might be a bad time, but since we’re here…”
My stomach drops.
“I think you should know that Willow has been saying some awful stuff about Drew.”
I nod slowly. “She said as much to me.”
“When?!” Harley asks. Clearly, she’s more in the know than I am.
“She found me in the parking lot after our lunch the other day.”
Harley’s face twists. “That’s so fucking creepy.”
“Why didn’t you tell us?!”
The reason I didn’t tell my sisters was because I need to find out the truth for myself. I don’t want them to start looking at Drew differently. I want to get the full truth, make it totally clear before getting the wild and fiery tempers of the Solace girls involved. “Because…well, I know you’re friends with her–”
