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Leave it to Kat to say the last thing I wanted to hear, to shine a light on that dark insecurity that had followed me since the first time I’d been completely ignored at a mixer. The insecurity that had festered and grown to total assuredness that I would never find a pack. That, without a scent, I was broken. Not a real omega.
Getting the cold shoulder from every alpha pack I’d ever met before meant something, right? I couldn’t always pretend it was their loss, that it was them, not me. Not in the face of repeated rejections. It wasn’t lost on me that Will sneaking out on me in college was one of my lowest moments. And now I was supposed to believe he wanted me? That he loved me, and so did the rest of his pack?
“I don’t know, Kat. I don’t know anything right now.”
“Shh, it’s okay, sweetie.” She wiped my eyes with a tissue, fussing over me. “Rest now. You can figure it out later.”
She held my hand as I drifted back into a restless sleep.
The next time I opened my eyes, it was orange and mint scenting my room. I let out a whimper. I didn’t want to see him. Didn’t Kat hear me when I told her that?
A cup of water appeared in front of me. “You might be thirsty,” Luke said.
I was. No doubt the crying jag hadn’t helped.
Without meeting his eyes, I took the cup and sipped, the cool water soothing my dry mouth. After I finished, I didn’t speak, didn’t look his way. I couldn’t. So many emotions swirled inside me. Guilt, embarrassment, despair. A hefty dose of self-pity, both due to the physical pain I was in and that sense of unworthiness Kat had so accurately picked up on.
Fuck that. I was not that pathetic.
Before I could say something, he took the cup and refilled it from a pitcher, then handed it back. This time, his fingers brushed mine, lingering, and I finally turned to look at him.
I steeled myself to be tough, to tell him I was sorry I left without him, sorry I fell. Then I would say good-bye, all without shedding a single tear. But when I saw his face, the words died in my throat.
The sound that emerged instead was a horrible, choked sob. Because what I saw looked a hell of a lot like love, his blue eyes lit with affection. That didn’t fit with my notion of what Luke felt for me, but for a heartbeat, I let myself believe that’s what it was. I wanted it so badly, his love and the love of the pack. For a moment, I thought maybe it was possible.
As his arms came around me, trying to console me, I started to fight it. Doubt myself and them. Maybe it was pity, maybe he was projecting feelings for me out of duty or guilt. The others were in the waiting room because they wanted to make sure I was alive, but it didn’t mean anything more than that. Common concern for another human being, that was all.
Despite my doubts, I couldn’t help responding to his embrace, hugging him back. Letting his citrus and herb scent comfort me. I pressed into him as he held me close and gently kissed the uninjured side of my head.
“I’m so sorry, Sylvie. You’re here because of me.” His voice was shredded.
I shook my head and immediately regretted it, wincing at the spike of pain. “It wasn’t your fault. I should have waited for you to help me down. It was really stupid of me to go without you.” I let my arms fall away and leaned back into the pillows. When he sat down, I took a deep breath to steady my voice, to make sure he understood. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am. Please, don’t blame yourself.”
Nausea rolled through me as I caught the brief look of remembered terror flash across his features. He was reliving my fall. Guilt destroyed me. He’d already lost a member of his pack, and he’d probably thought he was going to lose me too.
Luke and the others had wounds that I could never hope to heal. In fact, I’d made them worse.
My brain was telling me to say good-bye to him, that it would be a kindness if I exited from their lives. But my heart disagreed, and the words wouldn’t come. The hopeful part of me still wanted to try to make it work. And an internal voice, one that sounded obnoxiously logical, was telling me that my own self-esteem issues were clouding my judgment.
Everything hurt.
He tucked my hair back from my face and wiped the last tear off my cheek with his thumb. Then he spoke as if he could read my mind.
“I’m terrified of losing you. But I’m more terrified of not having you at all.”
Well. What the fuck could I say to that? For now, nothing. I was saved from answering by the appearance of a nurse, who ushered him out because visiting hours were over.
It was time for another dose of painkillers. They dulled my thinking too much to consider any of it. I fell asleep to the pleasant fantasy of the pack standing around me, surrounding me with their love. And me, letting them.
20
WILL
I turned on the wipers and focused on driving in the rain. Sylvie’s apartment was a couple of blocks away, but I refused to feel nervous. She was going to hear me out, and she was going to let us in. Metaphorically as well as literally. Today it was just me, but if all went according to plan, the rest of us would rotate in, until she couldn’t deny that we were the pack for her.
The plan. It had to work.
At the hospital, she’d been too overwhelmed to process everything. Her sister had given us some helpful insight about how Sylvie’s lack of scent, and the resulting lack of alpha attention, had shaped her. She was twenty-eight, and this was her first time being courted by a pack. Even though we knew that, we had underestimated her need for assurance that we were genuinely interested.
