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“My therapist suggested that I write to him, get my feelings on the pages as an outlet. Every time I feel overwhelmed, or every time something good or bad happens, I give it all to him.”
Lake didn’t look confused or concerned. He just nodded as if he understood.
“I talk to him sometimes. Almost every night, actually. We had talked about living in the same town our whole lives, how we had all these plans for the future that can’t happen now. I didn’t really know how to live without him, you know.”
I let out a humorless laugh.
“Oh, I definitely understand. This year has been nothing short of hell,” I admitted.
“How did you keep it together so long?”
That was a loaded question. I couldn’t just tell him that I’d given up completely, and it freed me, at least to some degree. The best way to describe it was that I was a zombie, a husk of the person I was, just counting down the days.
“Fake it till you make it, I guess. What have you been up to this past year?” I looked away and cleared my throat. It was a subject change but I wanted to know the answer.
Being here with Lake felt right, like I had something back that I was missing. Or someone. How had I not realized in all the sadness that he was important to me, too?
“I spent the first few months at home, barely leaving the house. I couldn’t figure out how to go on. Then one day, I just heard Everett in my head, calling me a loser. We’d always been competitive, that’s how we motivated each other, and I knew he would not want me to sit there like that. So, I didn’t. You know I already wanted to become an electrician and was apprenticing. I didn’t like the idea of sitting in an office or school or whatnot, so I did a program and finished my journeyman time. Actually, just finished that a few months ago and passed my test.”
“So, you’re licensed now?” I questioned.
“Yep,” he agreed. “I did some odd jobs here and there, and then I moved. I couldn’t stay in that house anymore, Shaye. It was a constant reminder.”
“Where did you move?”
He pulled my feet into his lap. We were already sitting so close that I guess he didn’t think about it.
I tensed for a second at the contact. No one had touched me since Everett outside of pity hugs. Call me touch-starved but I couldn't help but shift and get comfortable.
He relaxed again and started rubbing my feet.
Maybe I shouldn’t indulge myself, but just for this moment, I wanted to pretend like everything was fine, like I was going to stay.
“I moved to Lockwood,” he admitted. “It was always a place that had really good memories for me. I loved those summers we spent together, Shaye. Even if I wasn’t your focus.”
“I didn’t know, Lake,” I said, not meeting his eyes. I was afraid I’d find too much there. “You were always important to me, and I loved you in my own way. I just...”
“Everett was everything?” His voice was defeated and I couldn’t let him keep hurting like this. I also couldn’t lie.
“If I answer that, it sounds insensitive. Hewaseverything to me. We fell hard and we fell fast. It started with his scent. Once it hit me, I knew. Then the feelings developed after that. No. That’s not accurate, I think they just changed and shifted. I think I’ve always loved you guys in some way.”
I fidgeted with the hem of my shirt as I spoke, nervous and not sure how to handle the intensity of this moment.
He froze and I met his eyes. “Wait, us?”
My cheeks flushed as I tried to figure out how to explain it.
“I had a crush on you both at one point. How could I not? We spent years together. Every awkward year of puberty was ours to share. Then suddenly we weren’t kids anymore. Once his designation came in, and his scent hit me, it all changed.”
“That’s why I started blockers,” he said with a soul-deep sigh.
“The fact that you did that for your brother was selfless, and I can’t imagine how painful it had to have been to watch us together, knowing that you were my mate but not letting me know.”
“You’re not mad at me for keeping it?”
“In some ways, I wish you would have told me. There’s some regret there. But at the same time, you gave me Everett. We had that time because ofyou, and that’s not something I can find in myself to be mad about.” I let out a breath and shoved my dark hair out of my face. I needed to cut it but had put it off for too long.
“I should have told you after. I should have fought harder before you left.” He was desperate now, leaning closer as he spoke, but this one wasn’t on him.
