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“Do you want to do it now?” I asked. “I mean, the interpersonal thing.”
“This is the first time I’ve ever felt that not understanding that part of life might hold me back,” he said, setting down the knife. “I’ve never done the pack thing. I have membership in the Moonscale Flight, but that was given to everyone saved from Bram Valen. I’ve never done the family thing. What I remember of my family is gruesome. I never got close to anyone in foster care. They tried. The parents. The other kids. I just couldn’t let myself be what they wanted.”
“Alone feels safer for some people,” I said. “Before I met Marcus, I wasn’t alone. I had Shepard. You’ll meet him soon. I wasn’t even sure about moving here, but we did because he needed help. I had what Marcus calls doom-spirals. Sometimes my brain still tries to go that way, but I’m better at shutting it up. Marcus has his hangups too. None of us are coming to this situation perfect. No one who reaches adulthood gets there unscathed. I’m not saying what happened to you is okay. It’s not, but it doesn’t mean you don’t know how to make connections. It’s not TV. You don’t have to be witty or deep or some bullshit. Making connections just means you show up every day.”
“I can do that. I think. If you want me to,” Fen said.
“Do you want to?” I asked him.
“If you want me to,” Fen said. “I don’t want to come in and fuck everything up.”
I swallowed hard. That was my old thought pattern. I fucked up over and over again. I tried to beat up Daniel. I kissed Starry. I fucked up over and over.
“You’re not fucking anything up. Things are changing, but life is like the earth. Nothing lasts forever. No state is permanent. Marcus and I are still us, but now a new part of our lives and yours is growing in. I want you here. I know Marcus does too. He’ll realize he’s not breaking his noble fox savior ideals by caring about you too, soon. You’re wanted here. It’s up to you if you stay.”
Fen didn’t say anything as I put the food away and set the platter of sandwiches on the table. I couldn’t imagine how scary this had to be for him. He was being hit with two true-mate responses at once on top of believing the world was better if he never connected with anyone.
I sat down at the table and waited for him to join me. It took a few seconds, but he sat down. We stared at the food as if it were something new and strange as our lives were turning out to be.
“Fen, I’m happy you’re here. I’m happy you’re here to tell their story, but I’m also happy you’re here with us. I know this isn’t what you expected. No one but me could have ever expected this. Well, Marcus too after we met. I’m still glad you’re here.”
“I think I’m glad I’m here too.”
Chapter Eight
Fen
The back door opened, and I was so caught up in Irwin that I about jumped out of my skin. Irwin shot me a sheepish smile before standing up to greet Marcus. They exchanged a quick kiss and pressed their foreheads together. I imagined what they might say over their mating link. Was Irwin assuring Marcus that he wasn’t mad that he responded to me too? Were they talking about how to tell their friends and families? About their baby? About how much they loved each other?
I took a deep breath. Would I always be on the outside looking into their relationship? Maybe that would work since I wasn’t sure how to have a relationship with anyone to begin with. Maybe I’d be a happy third wheel.
Irwin turned back around grinning like the cat who ate a pet store full of canaries and all my thoughts of being a third wheel vanished. He was beautiful and when he smiled, he lit up the room. Everyone said that about the people they loved, but he really did. At least, he lit me up inside. He lit me up in a place I wasn’t even aware could be brightened.
I expected Marcus to join us at the table, but he nodded at me and headed off deeper into the house. I did my best to hide my frown, but Irwin noticed.
“He’s off to shower,” Irwin said. “It’s part the response and part he’s almost superstitious about showering after work. Says it stops other people’s negativity from clinging to him.”
“That actually sorta makes sense,” I nodded.
Neither of us said anything for a long moment and I found myself feeling at both of my claiming glands. My life had been fucked up and weird enough that it wasn’t overly surprising. I mean, I was surprised that two people might’ve chosen me at any point, but I never expected my life to be normal.
“Do you like kids?” Irwin asked out of the blue.
“Babies sort of freak me out,” I admitted. “They’re fragile and easily broken.”
“They’re tougher than you think, if you use common sense,” Irwin said as he sat back down. “They need lots of care. Sure, they’re fragile that way, but as long as you keep in mind that they’re babies, you’re usually good to go. Not that we expect you to look after Faran. It’s hard for either of us to put him down or hand him off. He’s just ---”
“Here to stay,” I chuckled. “I know that.”
“Do you want kids?” He asked.
“I’ve never really thought about it. My plan was to avoid people as much as possible,” I admitted. “I know my answers have to be --- hard to hear,” I said, trying to find a nice way of saying I knew I was a weirdo.
“Are you on birth control?” Irwin asked.
A blush crept from the roots of my hair down my face.
“Too soon to ask that?” He asked and blushed too.
