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In the evenings after Baby Faran was down for the night, we’d crawl into bed together. Most of the time we gave into our desires. Crawling into their arms at the end of a long day was everything I ever dreamt of. It didn’t matter if we cuddled up to talk or lost ourselves in each other. No longer did I carry the burdens of the day alone. Not that I had many burdens these days.
Irwin, Marcus, and the baby were the ones who linked all my days together. I sank into our rituals and rhythms. I sank into a life full of people but with the option to escape to the quiet of the house any time I was too overwhelmed. Somehow, in two weeks Heartville grew into my home.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Irwin
Any time I hit part of the writing process that involved staring into space I worked from my home office to save anyone who might see me the trouble of asking if I was okay. That day, I lay sprawled across my desk like a starfish and stared up at the ceiling not seeing much of anything. The practice was macabre. These stories of those who had their voices stripped needed to be told, but some days I wondered if I did much more than pick at the wounds of those left behind.
“They asked for their stories to be told,”my wolf reminded me.
“Okay,”I took a deep breath and tried to imagine my parents selling me off as a teenager.
Well, maybe not my parents exactly. My parents wouldn’t have done that because then the secret of my two glands would’ve gotten out. They were rotten anyway. So, I changed it to my grandparents. They would’ve never, but I figured most people thought that about their families. I sank into that feeling of betrayal and tried to follow it to the passages I’d write in the book for Fen’s carrier. Sobs tore from me, surprising me that I could make such a sound.
Faran cried from his baby swing across the room. I scurried off the desk and nearly crawled to him, still crying.
“I’m sorry I woke you up, baby,” I whispered through my tears, but footsteps were already on the steps.
Marcus and Cade burst through the office door. Marcus headed straight from me and Faran and Cade glanced around for the threat. Fen slid through the open door and across the hardwood on wolf paws.
“I’m okay,” I said as the three of them gathered around me and Baby Faran. “I just---” I wiped at the tears that wouldn’t stop flowing from my eyes. “My emotions ran away with me. It happens sometimes.”
“It sounded like the baby thought you were dying,” Cade said, stepping back from our group. “We thought --- I don’t know what we thought, but no one can ignore a kid crying like that.”
“Sorry to interrupt, Cade,” I sniffled, but he shook his head and waved the notion off.
“I’d have flown through the roof if it were my kids screaming like that,” he said. “Do you guys need me to do anything before I take off?”
“Don’t fly out through our roof,” Fen tried to break the tension.
I missed when he shifted back into human form. Only Cade chuckled at his half-hearted joke. I looked from Fen on one side of me to Marcus on the other.
“We’re okay. Sorry again. It’s just ---”
“Life is hard,” Cade nodded. “I hope you feel better.”
“Are you really okay?” Marcus asked once Cade was gone.
“I will be,” I said, wiping my eyes again. “I’ve cried before. I think I cried most of the way through Patricia’s book, but this was --- I don’t know. It was different.”
“Because they’re my parents,” Fen whispered.
“And Patricia was Shepard’s mom. I just got so caught up in what would make parents do something like that. I can’t imagine ever wanting or doing or--- I don’t know. I can’t say it,” I said and hugged Baby Faran closer to my chest.
“You don’t have to write ---” Fen started, but I shook my head.
“I do and not just because they’re your parents,” I said as the tears finally started to dry up. “Their stories have to be told. We have to shout them. So that people know they were alive and that horrendous shit happens when everyone walks around with their eyes closed. This is what I want to do. I don’t think I could live with myself if I stopped now. I’m sorry it’s hard on you – both of you,” I said and glanced at Marcus, “But this is what I have to do.”
“I know, sweetheart,” Marcus leaned over and kissed my forehead.
“Is Irwin writing the book too much for you?” He asked a second later, glancing at Fen.
“No,” he shook his head. “I just hate to see you like this.” He squeezed my hand. “I really hate it.”
“And I hate that you had to go through everything that I’m writing about now,” I said.
“Maybe we come up with a system for days like this. When you know you’re diving deep into emotions to write or get ready to, you can just give us a head’s up and one of us can be at the house,” Marcus offered up.
