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"So you're not going to ask about Madelyn?" I said, breaking the silence between the three of us.
"Who?" J.D. asked.
"Nope," Cody said. "That was a sensitive topic and is none of my business, so I'm just going to forget all of it."
J.D. laughed once. "Unless you wanna share?"
No, not really, but I probably should. "Um, she was a girl I dated back in high school. Like, for most of high school."
"She died," Cody told J.D. "His mom made sure I knew that much."
"Worse," I said, pushing the carrots around in the little Styrofoam section. "I ditched her at a party to hook up with a guy."
"She know?" J.D. asked.
I shook my head. "No. I was sneaking around, thinking it didn't count because he was a guy. Well, she got trashed. Her best friend got trashed..." I paused. "Wait. I need to back up. See, we'd been fighting for a while, but everyone said we were good together. We were one ofthosecouples, you know? The kind everyone assumes is forever. We were also in high school."
"Just kids," J.D. said.
I nodded. "Yeah. So we fought at that party. I bailed. She was pissed, so she drank too much. I hooked up with some guy and we left." I stabbed that carrot and shoved it into my mouth. "Yeah, so her best friend was drunk too, offered her a ride home, and four of them didn't make it."
"I'm sorry," Cody said.
"Fucked me up bad," I admitted. "I dropped out of school, went to stay with my uncle, and got into doing this."
But J.D. was looking at me a little too intently. "Why?"
"Because it was my fucking fault!" I hissed.
Which made a corner of the man's lip curl higher. "Yeah? How?"
"I was her damned boyfriend. I was supposed to - "
"What, run her life?" Cody broke in. "Tell her what to do, when to do it, and what to wear while she's at it?"
Slowly, I turned to look at her, aware my mouth was open. "Well, no."
"Then how is it your fault?" she asked. "You didn't make her get in the car. Or did you drive her there and bail? Leaving her out in the boonies with no way to get back?"
"No, she could've called..."
J.D. just gestured at Cody. "She's right. You could've been Ty, or you can blame yourself. Both sound fucking dumb. Besides, we all fuck up. Ain't no way you coulda known what would go down."
"Yeah..." I breathed. "But it's why I wanted to do rodeo. Both to get away and because the save made me feel better."
J.D. just nodded. "Which is why you're always in first." And then he reached across the table to clasp my wrist. "So don't change. Don't ever change, Tanner. Cody and me? Yeah, we're real happy you save our asses. Pretty sure we won't bitch at all about how you got here, so long as you stay here."
Cody reached for her drink. "I also think your mother prefers it when you feel bad about what happened. Tanner, she doesn't want you to get over it. She wants you to come home, act like her good little boy, and she's willing to use your grief to bend you to her will."
"Fuckin' bitch," J.D. grumbled.
"She really is," Cody told him. "Both of them, actually. They started in on him straight away. I mean, Dad always makes a point of lifting me up, even when I've made a mess of things. Tanner's parents? They just tore him down the whole time we were there. I'm sure that made Madelyn's death even harder to deal with." She glanced over, her eyes quickly catching mine. "Not that I'd know, but I'm guessing."
"And you might even be right," I admitted. "I've just tried to avoid them. Every year, it's the same thing, but usually there's a lot of whining about how Mom wants grandkids. Never mind that my sister already has two! Mom wants me to get married and make more."
"Fuck that noise," J.D. said. "Naw, there's plenty of time for kids. Ain't so much time for winning gold buckles."
"That!" Cody said, pointing at him with her fork. "Never mind that once I have kids, I'm pretty much done. There's no way I could be a mom and tour like this."
