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I nodded and took a deep breath. I could do this. Ihadto do this. Not just for Silas, but because I didn’t like the person I’d been to her. Even if she’d been nosy and interfering, it had come from a good place. If I hadn’t been so fucking raw when she’d talked to me, it never would’ve happened. If I hadn’t been so embarrassed by the way I’d felt and the way I’d treated her, I would have apologized long ago. I would have tried harder after my first few failed attempts.
It was the right thing to do, I reminded myself again. She kept looking at me, those dark brown eyes of her expectant. I could practically hear Matt and Silas both, encouraging me to do the right thing. I took another deep breath, reminded myself that my tongue had not actually swollen up to the point of not being able to speak, and forced myself to do it. “I wanted to apologize.”
“You wanted to apologize or you’re going to apologize?” she interrupted.
And here I thought she was theniceone on our team. The truth was, she was kind of terrifying. I nodded, and startedagain. “I am apologizing. How I talked to you was out of line, completely. You were trying to be a good person, and I—”
“Acted like a complete dick?” she finished for me.
“Not what I was going to say, but yeah.” This apology was not going as planned. Silas hadn’t told me that she’d give me a hard time about it. Maybe he thought it’d be funnier this way, but something told me that wasn’t the case. Maybe he just hadn’t seen this side of her, or didn’t think that it’d come out when I was trying to issue a sincere apology. “I also should have tried harder to apologize sooner. It shouldn’t have taken this long.”
“Okay.”
Okay?What did that even mean. “So are we good?”
“I accept your apology, but it’s going to take some time before we’re good.” She looked up at me and motioned with her head for us to keep walking. I hadn’t even fully realized that we’d stopped right in the middle of the sidewalk. “How I see it is apologies are just words. In order for us to be good, I have to see that you mean them. Maybe that was just a one off of dickishness, but it hurt and that takes time to heal.”
“I get that. I can’t promise that I won’t be a dick again in the future. According to pretty much all of my friendsandSilas, it’s kind of a recurring character trait.”
“Maybe, but you can apologize sooner. You can realize when you’re being a dick and dial it back. I don’t know what makes you act that way, but it’s not an excuse.” She stopped speaking for a moment, but the way she stopped made me think that there was more she wanted to say, so I waited. We walked in silence for few steps before she started again. “Si said you had your reasons, that hurt people hurt people or whatever. But just so you know, that doesn’t fly with me. If you’re actually sorry, you’ll show it.”
“Okay.” Now it was my turn to answer that way. I hated that it was the only response I had to give, but I didn’t know whatelse to say. I felt like I’d been scolded by an elementary school teacher. Maybe Isabel had missed her true calling.
“That said, I do think you’re good for him.”
I looked back at her, surprised by the sudden shift in conversation. “He looks happier when you’re not treating him like a dick, so keep that up.”
“That’s the plan.” I smiled softly. “I do like him. I didn’t think I would, but I do.”
“I can tell. Don’t think I didn’t see that little kiss earlier,” she teased. “But also know that if you hurt him, I will lure you to the roof of the building and push you off.”
Yeah. Officially terrified of her. She may have seemed soft on the surface, but she was made of steel. I gave her a shaky thumbs up and sped up my pace. Suddenly, getting away from the moving cars by the sidewalk felt essential to my safety.
On Wednesday, I took Silas to meet my mom. She cooked for us, and she treated Silas the same way she did any of the boys. She didn’t try to threaten him. I had a hard time imagining my mom threatening anyone. She spent the night trying to get to know him, asking him insightful questions about his life, his family, his time at MIT, what he did before Brighton, anything she could think of. I think I learned almost as much as she did. At the end of the night, she hugged us both and whispered in my ear that I looked happy.
On Thursday, I went out with my friends and told them all about Silas meeting my mom. I almost regretted telling them, because they immediately started pressuring me to bring himone night. They peppered in the comments throughout the night, never really letting the topic die.
At the end of the night, Matt came back with me to my apartment. I knew it was still hard for him to be at his place alone.
“You know, you tensed up every time we brought up meeting Silas,” he stated later that night, sitting beside me on the couch.
“What do you mean?”
“When we were at the bar. What are you afraid of?”
That was a loaded question, and Matthew had to know that. “Spiders. Clowns. The constant feeling of impending doom that you get when you stare at the ceiling at three in the morning.”
Matt narrowed his eyes at me. His words came out almost harsh, almost annoyed. His tone was always just analmost. “You know what I mean, Jonas.”
I sighed. “I think I’m afraid that if I let him in too far, he’s going to destroy my heart.” Except that wasn’t completely right. Of course I was afraid of getting hurt when it came to Silas, but that wasn’t the reason I’d tensed up. I knew that. Matt knew that. It was obvious, and Matt gave me a look about that too. “I mean I liked him once, right? And I thought it was reciprocated…”
Matt had been there. He’d seen what that had done to me, and he’d seen what had happened after. “The difference is this time, he’s single. This time, he talked to you. He didn’t just kiss you, run away, and leave you to deal with the fall out.” He leaned back. “He knows who he is now. You can’t keep holding it against him, Jonas. And you can’t keep letting these fears keep you from being happy.”
“I know but—”
“Does he make you happy?” Matt cut me off.
“Yes,” I answered immediately. “But—”
