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Luca stared up at the sky, avoiding my face. "I don't agree with violence for the sake of violence. I don't agree with Lorenzo's endless blood feud with the Irish. It's senseless, bad for business, and does nothing but whip guys like Angel and Dom into a bloodlust. Innocent people get hurt that way.Youalmost got hurt that way."
He looked at me now, and I was surprised to see fear in his eyes. I'd never seen Luca afraid of anything in my life. "I...I didn't know."
"Seeing you like that scared the shit out of me, Emilia. Blood on your hands. God, for a minute, I thought--" he shook his head. Then he shrugged, forcing a grim smile over whatever emotion was threatening to bubble to the surface. "Besides, that's not something a guy broadcasts around if he wants to keep his head where it belongs."
I took his hand, big and warm and scarred in my own. I didn't know what to say, but I didn't need to.
Luca squeezed my hand. "What I'm saying is, I'm here for you. No matter what. I can't say I'm the biggest fan of the guy, given as the only time I met him was right after you'd both been shot at..."
I laughed even though my eyes were starting to burn.
"...but above all, I'm loyal to you. It was you and me against the world before there was anyone else, and if you need me to, I'll keep your secret. So will Sofia, once she gets over the indignation of being kept out of the loop."
"So, you don't have an opinion about what I should do?"
Luca shook his head. "Naw. Seems like you've got enough people telling you what to do and how to think around here."
He was talking about Lorenzo and my stepbrothers, but his declaration shocked me to my core. Luca had never set so much as a toe out of line. It finally felt like I had someone in my corner, and I loved him all the more for it. "Thank you, Luca."
I hugged him fiercely. Luca froze, spine rigid and his big heart beating rapidly beneath my cheek, but then the tension drained out of him, and he hugged me back. He wrapped his arms around me, and for a moment, I let myself be a child again, safe in the arms of the older brother I never had.
"No problem, kid," he murmured into my hair. "Just promise me you'll be careful, okay? Don't do anything stupid."
I pulled back and smiled at him. "Who, me?"
"Exactly who I was talking about," he chuckled, but the mirth faded from his eyes. "I mean it, though. If you need anything, I'm here."
When I spoke again, it was a little easier to breathe. "I'll be fine, Luca. I'm a big girl, remember?"
"I know." He gave me a lopsided grin, but it seemed a little sad. He stood and pulled me to my feet. "Come on. Better go get ready for dinner before Lorenzo comes looking for you."
nine
Alfie
Misery is a greatmotivator.
There was a certain solace in throwing myself headfirst into work. I didn't have to think about how my world was crumbling around me, and I could pretend that my heart hadn't shattered into a million pieces. Money in. Money out. Handshake deals under the table. Bloodied fists when someone didn't pay up. I was such a good little soldier.
I felt sick, and not only in my heart. In my gut and in my head, every time I took stock of everything around me, and I wondered, for the first time in my life, what the hell I was doing. It wasn't supposed to be like this. My life used to be simple, easy. Girls. Family. My two best friends. I'd never had to doubt where I stood before. But now...I was starting to doubt everything.
Weeks passed by in a blur. I buried myself in my work, keeping myself busy whenever I could so I didn't have to think about any of it. So I didn't have to think abouther. My days were filled with inventory and shipments and the steady flow of money, andmy nights were spent going over the books until the numbers blurred together and I fell asleep on the sofa in my office. I was exhausted, but it was better than the alternative. Dreams of Emilia that shifted into nightmares, cradling her bloodied body in my arms while she asked me in a haunted voice why I didn't stay away. Why I didn't let her go.
I should have known better.
I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I was stupid enough to believe that our love would be strong enough to weather anything. I hadn't realized that it was me who was too weak to make it work. She was the strong one, the smart one.
Emilia had weighed what we were up against, leveraged her feelings, and ultimately did the right thing.
The more I thought about it, the more I hated myself for putting her in that position. If anything happened to her because of me, I would never forgive myself. I couldn't blame her for wanting to protect me, just as I wanted to protect her.
I loved her too much to let her get hurt.
She said I didn't know what love was, and maybe she was right. Maybe I was just a fool who was blinded by what I wanted. Maybe she was right about that, too, and there was no chance of us ever being together. But I was a fool who loved her, and I wasn't going to stop trying until the last breath left my lungs. I wanted to see her again. Wanted to feel her arms around me, wanted to kiss her lips, hold her close and keep her safe. I wanted to be the one who made her smile, who took her hand and led her into a brighter future, where there was no danger and no pain. A place where she would never have to worry about losing me, and I would never have to worry about losing her.
I wanted it so bad it hurt.
If the only way I could get that was to leave, then I would. The Family be damned. I was going to make her happy, and if it meant leaving everything behind, then that's what I'd do.
