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He took a deep breath and pointed to the cushion next to him on the couch. “Do you think you could sit over here?”
“Why?”
“Because I’m freaking the hell out and need you near me to calm down.”
I debated his sincerity, afraid to read into what he was saying. “Why are you freaking out?”
“Because I don’t think I’ve ever had more on the line than I do in this moment.” He looked into my eyes. “Please, Jos. Just come sit next to me, even though I don’t deserve any kindness from you. I need you so fucking much right now.”
It was impossible to think straight with his beautiful green eyes searing into me. But when I tried to look away, I saw his big hands shaking. That did it. I got up and moved to the couch, sitting with a fair amount of distance between us.
Fox inched his way over until our knees were touching, then closed his eyes. “Thank you.”
I waited, watching the rise and fall of his chest until he opened his eyes again.
“I’m here because I finally realized that I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me.”
My heart raced with hope, yet I was still afraid of misunderstanding what I thought he was saying. I needed to protect myself. I swallowed. “What are you saying, Fox? I need you to be very clear with me.”
He looked down. After a long time, he reached over and took my hand. “Is this okay?”
I nodded.
“I need to start from the beginning, if you don’t mind bearing with me for a while.”
“I’m listening...”
He took yet another deep breath. When he spoke, his voice was soft. “You know that my brother died in an accident years ago. I was nineteen, and Ryder was seventeen. He was driving home the day before his eighteenth birthday. But what I didn’t mention was that he had been drinking. He fell asleep at the wheel and wrapped his car around a tree.”
“I’m so sorry.”
I could see pain etched in Fox’s face. It made me want to stop him, but it also looked like whatever the full story was, he needed to get it out. So I squeezed his hand, trying to offer silent support.
Fox smiled sadly and continued. “It was a Friday night, and I was away at college. Out with a girl. He’d called me a half hour before the accident, but I didn’t pick up because I was having too much fun. I didn’t even realize he’d left me a message until the day of his wake. If only I’d answered. His words were so slurred. It would’ve taken two minutes to tell him not to drive.”
“Oh, Fox. It’s not your fault.”
“I think that’s debatable. But anyway… Years later, I met Evie. At first everything was great. We were both Olympic hopefuls. After my brother, I’d pretty much pulled away from anyone and everything except for hockey. Somehow I let my guard down when it came to Evie.” He stared off for a while before continuing. “Her mother was a former figure skater and her manager. She was also a drunk. I couldn’t stand being around the woman. I think because it reminded me of my brother and how he died. It’s also why I rarely have more than a glass of wine or two. Long story short, Evie didn’t qualify for the Olympic team. She wound up going back home and going on a bender with her mother. She was already one of the oldest trying to qualify. She wasn’t going to have another shot, so I understood why she would spiral for a little while. But the spiral became something more. I thought things would get better without her mother’s influence, so I asked Evie to move in with me. She did, and things seemed to smooth out, at least at first. A month after she moved in, we got engaged.
“But there was a lot I didn’t know. It turned out Evie’s struggles with alcohol weren’t new. She had been a closet drinker since…” He shook his head and went quiet for a moment before swallowing. “Since she was nine years old.”
“Nine?”
He nodded. “I know. To this day, if I look back, I have no idea how I missed seeing it. But she was a binge drinker, and I traveled a lot with the team, so we weren’t seeing each other every day, even after she moved in.”
“Wow.”
“Anyway, Evie went in and out of rehab a few times. She’d be sober for a month, and then I’d come back from an away game and she’d have fallen off the wagon. The doctors in rehab put her on antidepressants to treat the root problem, but it just compounded her issues because she’d drink while taking them, and the alcohol would hit her harder. After a while, I couldn’t do it anymore. I decided I would be there for her as a friend, but I needed to end things. I’d contacted a real estate agent to find her a place of her own to live and had planned to sit down and talk to her when she was sober. But the real estate agent stopped by the house when I wasn’t home, and Evie put two and two together. She got really upset and took a bunch of pills. I called the police, but by the time they found her, she was floating in the lake.”
“Oh God.”
“When I pulled up, they were zipping a body bag on a gurney.” He shook his head. “The night of the funeral, I got myself loaded. Fell down a few of the stairs in my house, twisted wrong, and blew out my knee. Career over, too. Some people never learn their lesson. I didn’t pick up the phone when my brother called because I was too busy having fun, and I wanted to cut Evie loose because she was too much work. I should’ve been there for the both of them.”
I might not have known Ryder or Evie, but I felt a profound loss, nonetheless. Not just for the two humans who died, but for the loss of faith and trust in himself that Fox had suffered as a result. Tears streamed down my face. “You’ve experienced unimaginable tragedy. But you can’t blame yourself for decisions others made.”
“Two people who loved me needed me, and I wasn’t there for either of them. I didn’t deserve a second chance. Certainly don’t deserve a third.” He reached out and wiped my tears with his thumbs and swallowed. “But I’m so goddamned selfish, I want it anyway, Josie.”
I looked into his eyes. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
