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If I see hurt there—or regret—
I shouldn’t have touched her.
When I open my eyes, I pointedly look away, but she’s still standing there, waiting for me to say something. I need to get out of here, away from the steam, away from her. Stepping out of the shower, I put the condom in the trash and reach for a towel.
I walk out before it’s even tied around my waist.
With her amber eyes shut behind my door, I’m safe. Sad and lost and pathetic and screwed. But safe.
I dry off and dress, numb to everything but the sound of the shower still going. Regret, for leaving her, fucking her, everything that has ever happened between us since the day we met drags at me until I sink onto my bed, my head falling into my hands.
If Timothy finds out, or Celia, or anyone…
What the hell is wrong with me? Is this who I am? More worried about the repercussions than her feelings?
I’m fucking terrified of her feelings. Of her not having any, of her having too many. Of her disappointment.
My door flies open and Jessie stomps in, a towel wrapped around her, another around her hair. “What the hell, Nic?”
My hackles go up because they always do with her. “You wanted to fuck. We did. Was I supposed to stay and shampoo your hair?”
“I don’t wantthatfrom you.” Jessie stops when she’s standing between my knees, jabbing my chest with her finger. “I wanted a check-in. A ‘thank you.’ A ‘that was fun, maybe we could do it again sometime.’”
Does she want to do it again? The possibility seeps through my skin and I know for the rest of the time we’re under the same roof, I’m going to want her. What a miserable way to spend the holiday. “We can’t do it again.”
Jessie shakes her head. “You walked off like I was some dirty tissue you’d ejaculated into. Why would I want to do that again?”
That hits me in the guts, taking away my ability to speak, to apologize. Her finger is gentle under my chin, but the effect is a jolt of electricity holding me in place as she tips my head up, forcing me to meet her eyes. Whiskey and fire. “Thanks for the fuck, Nic,” she says flatly, turning and walking toward the door. “See? Easy.”
“Jessie, I’m—”
She slams the door on my apology.
Chapter fifteen
Nic
“Who’sgettingdickforChristmas?” Timothy asks with a yawn, a massive cookie arrangement in his hands as he walks into the kitchen.
Jessie’s hand shoots up. “I am!”
About a dozen gingerbread dicks jut out of the arrangement, white icing dripping down their tips. It doesn’t matter that this is about the cookies. Heat rises up my neck. Jessie’s blushing a little, too, avoiding eye contact with me.
“They’re from work,” she adds when she realizes everyone—except the kids, who’ve finished breakfast and are already outside building snowmen—is staring at her.
This has already been the most awkward breakfast of my life, with Jessie eating waffles and ignoring me. Meanwhile, I can’t stop looking at her. Studying the way her still-damp hair is piled on top of her head. Watching the way she holds her body, the way she eats her breakfast. The changing expression on her face as she makes small talk.
Everything is so normal on the outside that it hurts. Less than an hour ago, Jessie was moaning my name. Half an hour ago, she’d been ready to yank my balls off—rightly so, I was a jerk—and now she’s laughing like nothing happened.
I am such an asshole. I should’ve said something to her in the shower. Notthanks for the fuckeither. Maybe she needed to be asked if she was okay. If we were okay. A short conversation about what happens next between us. An offer of friendship. Some kind of aftercare.
Timothy’s eyes land on me as he hands the cookies to Jessie. “S’up with your face?”
I can’t remember how to act. How to keep my expression neutral. All words, excuses, anything. Gone.I fucked your sisterblares through my head and I press my lips together.
“He’s intimidated by my gingerbread dicks,” Jessie says casually, slipping one free.
“Jessie.” Celia warns as she inspects the cookies.Be nice.It’s been said to her about me so many times it doesn’t need to be spoken aloud. I don’t want Jessie to be nice to me. I’ve done nothing to earn it.
