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My heart squeezes. “I can’t.”
Cora gives me a stern look over the rim of her mug. “Why not?”
“There’s no point. I can’t be with her. I forget who I am. What I’m supposed to be.”
She gets it immediately. “This is about Michael.”
“He wanted me to carry on his legacy—”
“Oh, fuck hislegacy,” she bursts out. “Do you think his legacy made him happy?”
I stare at her in surprise.
“Michael was a good man in many ways, and he should be applauded for his work and how he went about his work. But his idea of good and bad was very black and white, formed entirely by his desire to be better than his crappy father. He was never happy. And he was far from perfect.”
Fear creeps across me, and guilt. Does she know his secret? If she doesn’t, should I tell her? I really don’t want to.
Cora stands and rummages around the fully stocked liquor cabinet until she finds a bottle of brandy, then tops up both of our cups of tea with it.
“I told him he was too hard on you, but I thought I could temper it.” She takes a long drink and leans forward, arms crossed on the table. “I need to tell you something about Michael, and it’s going to upset you.”
I run my hand over my jaw, but I nod.
“I wasn’t happy living in LA, so Michael and I agreed we’d rather have a long-distance relationship than separate. Well…after I left, he fell in love with another woman. They had a child together, a boy.”
I exhale slowly. There’s no heartbreak in her voice, no bitterness. Only concern for me. Sympathy.
“I know,” I whisper.
“You do?” Cora picks her cup up again and drains the rest. “Thank god, I didn’t want to be the one to drag him off that pedestal you both put him on.”
“He told you?”
“He told me about Lilah and his son before he passed away,” she says. “He was ashamed of his behavior, but never of them.”
“He told you.” He never told me. No, I had to find out by accident, ten years after his death, when our financial adviser retired and the new one started asking me questions about a trust fund I knew nothing about.
“He had to make sure they’d be comfortable after he was gone, and he knew I’d find out. He was afraid to tell you.”
Bullshit. “He was a hypocrite.”
Cora shrugs. “He was complicated. Most people are.”
“He cheated on you.”
“And I forgave him.”
“How?” I can’t find a way.
A sad little smile crosses her face. “Who does it serve, holding on to the hurt?” she asks. “I could carry the pain of his decisions around every day, but I’d rather not. Honestly, I pity him.”
“You pity him.”
Cora nods. “He suffered under the weight of his own expectations and standards. He could’ve been happy, had he divorced me and married Lilah. He could’ve been a real role model for his son as well as you. But he chose to stay on his pedestal.”
“You’re a saint,” I mutter.
Cora laughs. “No, but I know who I am and I’m happy with my life. And that’s what I want for you, my dear. I want you to be happy. You don’t need Michael’s brand of perfectionism to be a good person, and I want you to see that and trust in yourself.”
