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I surf my phone until Lilly comes back in and when she does, the expression on her face causes my gut to sink.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
Lilly shakes her head, biting down hard on her lower lip as tears form in her eyes. She blinks rapidly trying to dispel them and shakes her head harder. “Nothing. Not really.”
“Don’t fucking lie to me, Lilly.”
She walks into my body, hitting me hard and crossing her arms before her chest to burrow into me. My arms go around her back when she says, “Just hold me for a minute.”
For an eternity, I think to myself.
“What did Dr. Yoffe say?” I ask after she’s silent for way too long and I’m about to jump out of my skin with worry.
She pulls back slightly to look up at me. “He’s very concerned about Aiden. Said he’s not responding to the medications the way they’d hoped. They’re depending solely on the drugs because his white blood cells are so depleted.”
“But the drugs can still work, right?” I ask.
“That’s his hope. I asked him to give me the cold, hard truth and he said the situation is precarious.”
“And what about the leukemia? Because no one talks about that anymore.”
“It’s gone,” she says with a hysterical laugh due to the irony as she rips away from me, stalking to Aiden’s IV pole. She’s quiet as she examines the bags filled with life-saving fluid and then whips back around. Her face is red with fury, her lips peeled back in a snarling grimace. “The damn cancer is gone but the treatment killed all his healthy blood cells.” Her voice rises and her nostrils flare. “Fucking pneumonia is going to kill my brother.”
I want to urge her to lower her voice because we’re in a hospital after all, but the door is thankfully closed and I think Lilly needs this. I step toward her warily. “It’s not going to kill your brother. He’s facing a new struggle right now but he will defeat it.”
Lilly shakes her head violently before holding her arms outstretched. “He’s more than struggling. He’s withering. A goddamn infection and he can’t do a fucking thing about it. His little body can’t fight it because it’s too fucking depleted after fighting the cancer.” She laughs again… almost maniacally. “I should have protected him better.”
“Protected him better?” I ask, frowning at her in confusion.
“I shouldn’t have allowed visitors,” she grits out. “I shouldn’t have had that stupid birthday party. I mean hell, we had a fucking hockey team come to see him and every motherfucking sick kid on the cancer ward. It was a cesspool of germs and he was thrown right in the middle of it.”
“You can’t blame yourself,” I murmur, reaching out to take her in my arms.
Lilly slaps my hands away viciously and I’m stunned when she says, “I don’t blame myself. I blame you. You had to come visit him and make friends with him. You had to parade your whole fucking team here. You made him think he could have some normalcy and the truth is, I should have shut and barricaded that hospital room door and kept everyone out. Then he would be safe and wouldn’t be fighting this.”
I suppose any ordinary person would take great offense to her words but I see right through them.
“You don’t blame me,” I say softly. She opens her mouth to argue but I cut her off. “You have no control over what’s going on and you’re lashing out. I’m an easy target because I’m standing right in front of you, but you know what? I will gladly be your target any day of the week and twice on Sunday. You throw every bit of it on my shoulders, Lilly, because I’ll bear the fucking weight of the world for you.”
Again, her mouth opens but nothing comes out. Her brows knit together and her arms fall to her sides. She exhales a rough breath and looks utterly lost.
“You know why I’ll take it all on for you?” I ask softly, and I step closer so I can reach out and take her hand in mine. Surprisingly, she doesn’t jerk away and I lift her knuckles to my mouth to press a lingering kiss there. “Do you want to know why?”
Lilly doesn’t answer me. She doesn’t shake her head though. She doesn’t jerk her hand free. She just stares at me, completely lost.
“I’ll fight every one of your demons because I love you, Lilly. You are not alone. I am here by your side and I’ll be the one who props you up when you’re feeling weak, and I’ll be the one you can rail against when you’re pissed off at the world, and I’ll be the one who holds you tight when you need the reminder that you are loved.”
“Boone,” she whispers, that one word sounding like a prayer. Then her face crumbles and she moans with regret. “Oh my God… I’m so sorry. I don’t blame you at all.” Lilly throws herself into my arms, curling her fingers into my shirt as she tips her head back to stare at me with desperate eyes. “I didn’t mean to say those awful things. I didn’t mean it at all. I don’t know what came over me but it was like I was in a spiral and…” She jolts and then her eyes widen. “Wait… did you say you love me?”
I nod. “To the depths of my soul.”
It’s not the romantic, hearts-and-flowers setting I’d imagined but I can’t believe there has ever been a more appropriate time.
Taking her face in my hands, I press my mouth to hers for a whisper of a kiss where I place the words onto her lips. “I love you, Lilly Hoffman. I’ve got you. I’ve got Aiden and your dad too. You let me be the strength when yours is faltering and you lay out all the ugly feelings right on my doorstep. I’ll never hold them against you and I’ll always know the truth behind them.”
When I lift my head, I’m shocked to see Lilly freely crying. Streams of silvery tears course down her face and it cracks my heart wide open. I loop an arm behind her neck and pull her into me, hugging her tight. “Let it out, baby.”
“You love me,” she wails into my chest. “And I’m such a bitch.”
