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Aiden’s first question was Lilly’s and then my main question.
“Am I going to die?”
He asks this of Lilly and no one else, for he trusts her the most.
My heart fucking aches for Lilly and she bends forward to brush her lips across his forehead. Her voice remains calm and steady, and I’m in awe of her strength. “We need a miracle, Aiden, but if we are not graced with one, yes… you’re going to die.”
Tears prickle at my eyes as Lilly’s voice quavers a bit, but she reins it in. “But I’m not going to leave your side, not for a single second. If your body chooses to rally and fight, I’m going to be here cheering you on. And if you just can’t fight anymore… if your body is ready to let go, that’s okay too, Aiden. I’ll be holding you the entire time.”
Steven curls in on himself, puts his hands over his face and quietly weeps. Dr. Yoffe’s eyes have a sheen to them and Lilly is freely crying. I don’t even think to try to stop my tears. This is no time to be without emotion. Aiden should see how loved he is.
Aiden though, remains dry-eyed. Perhaps he’s processing, perhaps he already knew this long before we did. Part of me thinks that’s it… better than any doctor, he knows what his body can and can’t do.
Aiden has questions. He looks up to Dr. Yoffe and asks what he can expect. He has the fortitude and the strength to ask the questions I never would’ve thought to ask.
How long before I die?
What will it feel like?
Will it hurt?
Dr. Yoffe leans in toward Aiden, a reassuring hand on his shoulder. They talk about supportive measures and what will happen if he removes them. They talk about whether he wants a feeding tube, and if he wants to be put on a ventilator if it comes down to it. Questions and answers, questions and answers… no conversation a fucking twelve-year-old should have to have.
In the end, Dr. Yoffe assures him that he does not have to make decisions today but that the Hoffman family has things to discuss.
“If I stop all the supportive care, will I die faster?” Aiden asks. Lilly gasps, horrified. She opens her mouth to protest but before she can say anything, Aiden looks directly at Dr. Yoffe. “I don’t want Lilly to suffer. If I linger, she suffers. Is it one hundred percent sure that I’m going to die?”
I’m simply astounded at the clarity with which Aiden has boiled down the important things in his life.
“No,” Dr. Yoffe murmurs. “It’s not one hundred percent certain. But the chances are extremely slim that your white blood cells are going to step up and help fight.”
Aiden nods as if he expected that answer. Nothing anyone has said here today has had a glimmer of hope.
Aiden turns to Lilly who tries to smile through her watery tears.
“I want to let go. I don’t want any supportive measures. If I live, that’s awesome. If I don’t, I don’t want to drag this out. Is that okay?”
I bet it takes everything within Lilly’s power not to argue with her brother. I know she’s not ready to let him go, but she does the bravest thing I think I will ever witness outside of this young twelve-year-old boy deciding it’s time to die.
Lilly nods. “It’s okay.”
Steven bursts out of his chair and without looking once at his son or daughter, flies from the room. It’s more than he can bear, to think about his son dying. To think about his son choosing a quicker death. Aiden and Lilly stare at the door and it’s Aiden who looks at me and says, “You go make sure he’s okay.”
I drag my hand across my face to wipe the tears and give Aiden a reassuring smile. “I’ve got it covered, buddy.”
I leave the room and catch up to Steven at the elevators. He’s frantically hitting the down button even though he knows it won’t make it show up any quicker.
“Where are you going?” I say as I reach him. Steven doesn’t reply. He just hits the button harder. “How about you and I get in the car and go find an AA meeting? Then we go have some lunch and talk.”
Steven spins on me, his eyes blazing. “My kid is going to die and you want me to go to an AA meeting? Why the fuck aren’t you offering to take me straight to a store to get me a bottle of vodka and let’s sit down and do shots to honor how brave my boy is?”
I put a hand on his shoulder and squeeze. “You know that’s not the answer. If there’s ever a time you need to be there for your family, it’s now. You need to be sober and lucid for whatever time Aiden has left.”
“He doesn’t need me. Lilly can handle everything.”
“That’s not true. Aiden needs you now more than ever and Lilly can’t handle everything. She’s on the verge of a complete breakdown and while I’m going to help prop her up, I can’t do it without you. You want to get drunk and throw your life away down a bottle, that’s fine by me. But you don’t do it until after we get through all of this with Aiden.”
Steven’s face crumbles. “I’m scared. I don’t know how to handle this.”
