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He had been with me for a month now, and I was obviously spoiled by his attention. I didn’t want to imagine a life without him in it, but that was the reality I needed to face.
And I need to do it soon. I was about to start my life with my precious little girl and I didn’t want to be mopey for the beginning of it.
Of course, my mother helped distract me. She had arrived at the end of the first day, at about eleven pm, and was full of bluster.
She wanted to see the baby, of course, but the baby was being held in the nursery while they ran a few more tests, got her feet prints and also let me rest.
I mean, I didn’t want to rest, but the nurses told me this was the last full night’s sleep I’d have for a very long time, and I was inclined to believe them, so I didn’t argue.
“So, as soon as we get home, why don’t you lie down, and I’ll finish setting up the baby’s crib in your room.”
And that was my mother in the back seat. I’d like to say that I had forgotten that she was there, but she talked far too much for me to ever do that.
I sighed and told myself to reign back the sarcasm. I should have told my mother about my condition as soon as I found out about it. But I just didn’t want to make her worry. Was that so wrong?
Probably, as she would no doubt remind me for years to come. But the important thing was that our little dysfunctional family was all together and almost home.
We pulled in to my apartment and for some reason it seemed so different than when we had left. But maybe that was because the whole world seemed different. I never knew it was possible to have so much love for two people in my life, and yet every time I looked to Kireina or James, my heart felt like it was going to explode. There were even some nice feelings towards my mom, even if she had been a bit overbearing since she had arrived. But I guess that was a part of being a first-time grandmother and maybe I’d appreciate it once things hit the fan.
Because they would, or at least that’s what I was told. Soon I would be running around, trying to take care of my baby’s needs while she cried, pooped and generally kept me up all night. Especially since I would be all on my own.
That thought sobered me, and I arrived back at home in a slightly darker mood. It was easy enough to fall into considering I was wearing some sort of weird mesh diaper and it felt like my bottom half could fall off at any moment.
But then, as James pulled up to the front and I caught a glimpse of our perfect baby girl in the back, I felt a lot better. Yeah, our situation wasn’t ideal, but the two of us were going to flourish together and go on countless adventures.
James put on his flashers then helped me out of the car, keeping his arm around my waist until we were all the way up the elevator and to the door. Then, as he went back to park the car in the lot, mom helped me get settled into my room.
“Let’s get your feet up and a nice, cold glass of water on your nightstand. I know you like that.” She continued to buzz about as she helped me lay down, then pulled the covers over me. I felt like I hadn’t seen her so kind and caring since I was a wee little kid, and appendicitis had made me incredibly sick.
It was nice. I mean weird, but nice.
But what was even nicer was looking at my beautiful Kireina as my mother set her carrier on the floor. Normally I would object to that placement, but my mother was busy setting up the mattress and blankets in the crib, and it certainly wasn’t safe to rest the carrier on the bed when I was so immobile, so the floor would have to do for the moment.
Mom was almost done by the time I heard keys slide into the lock again and James’ footsteps sounded along the hardwood floors. I listened intently until he reached the doorway, and our eyes locked once again.
Something had changed between us. While there had always been attraction, and we were drawn to each other more than I had ever been drawn to any man, there was no denying that it was… different. There was a sort of magnetism there that wasn’t before.
And that’s when I knew, without a doubt, that I didn’t want to divorce this man. Well, I did but I didn’t. I didn’t like that we had a sham wedding, one borne out of a drunken night stumbling around Vegas. I didn’t like that I never got to look into his eyes and promise I would be there for him forever. I never got to promise all of my affection for the rest of my days. I never got to let him know how completely and madly I was in love with him, and that was perhaps the biggest crime of all.
