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“I know we do. You got scared this mornin’ and took off so you could think it all through. So, tell me what you came up with. Where do we go from here?” he questions, doing another sweep of the area with his eyes.
“Billy, while I don’t regret what happened between us, I think it’s moving too fast. Everything is moving too fast between us. It’s as if we’re living together, back to sleeping together, and everything else. Neither one of us are the same people we once were and we have to allow ourselves to get to know one another again. We can’t just assume we know each other as we used to because that’s not the case and will only cause problems between the two of us.
“Plus, we didn’t use anything yesterday and I’m not on birth control. You know I can’t take most of it because I have allergic reactions to it. So, there’s that to worry about now. You just up and forgave me after we got Zane back and I don’t see how you can do that. It’s not something I’m sure I could do given the circumstances. Yet, you sit here with me and act as if nothing is wrong and the past seven years didn’t happen. One day, you might wake up and realize it did happen and I betrayed you multiple times with every decision I made that didn’t lead me back to you. Then what happens. Zane gets to watch us fight and rip one another to shreds. That’s not something I want him to witness happening between the two of us,” I tell him honestly what’s going on.
“I know we have things to talk about, baby. And we will. We’ll get to know one another every fuckin’ day. We can still take our relationship slow and do everythin’ you wanna do to get to know one another. Wanna go out on dates? I’ll make it happen. Once a week we can designate a day as our date night and we’ll do somethin’ different each time. One week I get to choose and the next you do. I don’t give a shit what we do as long as we’re together. Zane can hang out with Hartley and Lash since he seems to hang around them the most so far. And he gets along with their kids. You aren’t ready for sex, then we don’t have to keep havin’ it. But, I would like you in my bed every fuckin’ night because that’s where you belong.
“As far as me forgivin’ you, it’s done, baby. Yes, I can get over what you did because I’ve had the time to think over what happened and why you chose not to tell me about Zane. Calla, you were put in a horrible position and wanted to do nothin’ more than protect our son. In order to do that, you chose to keep him a secret from me. As we both saw, your father would have followed through on his threats because he did. Not only did he beat the shit out of you, but he also took our son and we have no clue what the fuck he had planned for him. We’ll never know and I refused to let him ever tell me anythin’ about it. I didn’t want to have that in my brain and I sure as fuck didn’t want you thinkin’ about it. So, can I say I would have done the same thing? No, I can’t. Because I wasn’t forced to make a decision like that. You were, Calla. I forgive you.
“Yes, the last seven years absolutely happened. We both lived through them and did the best we could. You have regrets, I do too. My regret is not bein’ faithful to you. I chose to use the Rebels and other women for relief when I needed it. You were faithful to me and our memory. That’s one of the biggest things I regret. I also regret not doin’ more to find you. Yes, you changed your name and things I wouldn’t have even thought to look up. There’s still somethin’ I could have done to ensure you were brought home to me though. A fuck of a lot sooner than seven years.
“Now, for the last thing you said. If you end up pregnant, I’m more than okay with that, baby. I will be at your side every step of the way and we’ll get through this together. Zane needs a little brother or sister. He’s old enough and maybe it’s somethin’ we talk about seriously. I’m not gonna push you to do anythin’ or make a decision you’re not ready to make, but it’s somethin’ I’m more than okay with it happenin’. We’ll wait the amount of time needed and then we’ll take a test if you think one is needed,” Billy tells me, keeping his eyes on our son but also looking at me so I know he’s telling the truth.
“And I’ll start coming to you when I get lost in my head or something happens. It’s going to take me some time to get used to having others to rely on because it’s not something I’ve been able to do most of my life. I’ve had to rely on myself and do everything on my own so no one else would be brought into my mess and world. Now I’ve got you and I think I’ve got Hartley too. Everything is just so new and overwhelming. It’s going to take me some time to wrap my head around everything. Please be patient with me,” I tell him, my voice barely above a whisper by the time I’m done talking.
“We’ve got all the time in the world, baby,” Billy assures me, pulling me tight to his side just as Zane comes running up to us.
“Daddy! Come play with me,” he says, grabbing Billy’s hand and pulling him away from me.
“Alright, buddy. I’ll come play with you for a bit and then we have to head back to the clubhouse. You don’t want everythin’ Mommy made yesterday to be eaten on you, do you?”
“My brownies!” Zane calls out, looking at me as if he’s scared someone is going to eat them all. “Mommy we have to save my brownies!”
“We’ll save your brownies, little man. But maybe someone else wants to try them too. We can let them share with us, can’t we?” I ask him, as Billy starts to walk toward the swings with him.
“Yeah, we can share. But I want most of them, Mama,” Zane replies as he takes a seat on a swing so his Daddy can push him.
Pulling out my phone, I take several pictures of the two of them. The guys in my life are the reason I fight so hard. Now, I don’t know what I’ll have to do when I don’t have to hide or fight my father’s demands. Not that I really fought his demands because I’m not the only one who would have gotten hurt. Now, I can take all the pictures, make memories, and spend my life getting to know who I am as a person, a mom, and a wife. I want to learn what I love to do other than being a mom and a nurse. That’s something that’s really important to me. I don’t know who I am and haven’t been given the chance to figure it out.
Billy, Zane, and I spend a little bit of time at the park before we head back to the clubhouse. Once there, I get Zane cleaned up and we get something for lunch. The second our son is done eating his lunch, he begs for a brownie. We give in and hand him over a small one that he enjoys with his glass of milk. That was Billy’s concession for letting him have the brownie before dinner.
Like yesterday, I choose to remain in the kitchen and make something for dinner for everyone. I didn’t get to finish making it yesterday and feel bad that Hartley took it over instead of letting the Rebels finish it. Now, I can make something from start to finish. Instead of leaving the kitchen, Billy and Zane hang out. They color, talk, laugh, and play with the cars and bikes some of the other kids have here. It’s a good day and I like that we actually got to have a conversation about our situation. It makes me feel better than when I first woke up this morning. That’s all I can ask for at this point. We’ll have to deal with each situation as it comes up in our own way. Billy and I will figure things out and move on from what life throws our way.
Chapter Fourteen
AFTER TALKING TO Calla at the park a few days ago, I know she’s in a better place, but she still doesn’t try to get to know anyone at the clubhouse. I’m not sure if she’s just not comfortable here or if it has to do with the bitch who thought she could come in and try to pull some fucking game or shit on us. Now I just need to figure out how to talk to her about eating more and what’s going through her mind to the point that she’s still losing weight. If it doesn’t stop, maybe I should take her in to see Doc. Maybe there’s something wrong that we can’t see because it’s medical and not anything else. I’ll have to figure it out and soon before it’s too late.
“Church!” Lash bellows out, walking through the common room.
We all get up and follow him to the room we hold church in. One of the Prospects is standing there with the baskets to collect our phone and any weapons we might have on us. After handing mine over, I make my way inside and grab my shit so I can go over the books if that’s called for. I don’t know why our President called for church this morning unless it has to do with that bitch and what we plan on doing about her. Once we’re all in our seats, Lash calls church to order.
“It seems we had an incident and I was just filled in on it. A few days ago a woman managed to walk in here and talk shit to Shank’s wife in the kitchen. Hartley went in to hang out with Calla and put the bitch in her place. Now, this woman claims she wants to be here as a Rebel in order to get close to Shank because he made all sorts of promises to her about them being together and all this shit. However, before she knew Hartley was in the room, she was talking a bunch of shit about Calla losin’ everythin’ and her takin’ somethin’ from this clubhouse. Our fuckin’ house.
“Zeus has been doin’ his thing on the computer and hasn’t been able to find her in the system anywhere. Not yet at any rate. I don’t believe this woman for a second when it comes to bein’ here for Shank. She has some kind of plan to cause havoc and I want to know what her plan is. So, here’s what I’m proposin’. Hartley has her number and shit so she can bring her in as a Rebel. I say we let her come in and see what the fuck she’s all about. Shank, I know you and Calla are still very new and shit is goin’ on between the two of you after seein’ that video. However, you’re gonna need to pull up point on this one. She said your name and essentially called you out. So, you’re gonna be all up on her when she gets here. And, you’re not gonna say a fuckin’ word to Calla about this shit. If she happens to show up, we need everythin’ to look real as fuck,” Lash informs everyone at the table while keeping his eyes locked on me.
“No fuckin’ way, Lash. If I don’t tell Calla what’s goin’ on and she finds me in a position where this bitch is all over me and I’m pretendin’ to be okay with it, that’s my fuckin’ marriage and relationship on the line. That’s puttin’ my relationship with my son at risk. All so you can fuckin’ get the information you want. There are fuckin’ single brothers here who can do the same fuckin’ job and find out what she wants without me puttin’ everythin’ on the line,” I tell him, knowing this is one job I’m not about to do because my relationship means more to me than some bullshit skank who wants to ruin everything in Calla’s life.
“Shank, this wasn’t a request or me askin’ you to do this. I’m tellin’ ya that this is your job. This woman mentioned your name and only your name. So, now you’re gonna do your part to find out why she’s comin’ after your fuckin’ wife. Your family,” Lash orders me as my heart fucking sinks because I know this isn’t gonna end well for me.
“I’m tellin’ you all now that if I lose my wife and son because of this shit, I’ll leave this fuckin’ club behind so fuckin’ fast your heads will spin. I’m the one riskin’ everythin’ here and Calla is still under the impression I’m gonna realize I don’t wanna be with her and leave her ass. This is fuckin’ bullshit!” I yell out, getting up from the table and storming out of church.
“Shank!” Lash yells out as the door closes behind me.
Ignoring my President, I grab my things and go in search of my family. I’ve never once ignored my President or gone against a direct order from him. For the first time in my life, I’m not sure if I can be the man this club needs. Lash is asking me to give up everything that makes my world light up to get some skank to spill her guts about the real reason she’s here. And if she knows I’m married to Calla, who’s to say she’ll even talk to me about this shit. Knowing I’m worked up and this isn’t how my son and Calla should be seeing me, I change direction and head out back. Sitting on the top of a picnic table, I try to calm my heart down with a few deep breaths. I close my eyes and try to push everything away so I can calm down.
It's not long before I’m joined on the table. Without opening my eyes, I know it’s Boxer. My best friend is the only one who would be brave enough to come out here with me while I’m in a shitty mood like this. Plus, he’s the one who was just pissed at all of us and didn’t speak to any of us for a long time when shit went down with his ol’ lady. Now, I understand where the fuck he’s coming from.
“You know, I didn’t get why you were so pissed and shit when everythin’ went down with Makena until today. Right now, I have to decide if I can let myself be touched by another woman while knowin’ I have a wife. Someone I actually want to spend the rest of my life with versus doin’ somethin’ for the club just to figure out what the fuck her end game is. There are still single men here who could get the same fuckin’ information as what he’s tryin’ to make me get in a way I don’t want to,” I tell my best friend as anger races through me. “And not allowin’ me to tell Calla anythin’ is makin’ it even worse. She’s gonna think the absolute worst of me when she’s already got it in her head I’m gonna realize I don’t want her.”
