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“They had to. We had no idea what you were doing there, but we assumed they had sent you. My CO was pissed because nobody had warned us a U.S. civilian with top-secret clearance was going to be walking into that event.”
Her eyes hardened and her face went stoic. “I sure threw a kink into everything, didn’t I? You ended up having to take me out, instead of Alon, because they thought I’d turned traitor.”
He placed his hands on the desktop, staring down into her eyes. “The only thing I assumed was that you could be in great danger if Lawrence figured out who you were and what you knew.”
She leaned back in her chair, not liking the fact he’d invaded her personal space. Her gaze cut to the window. “Iamsorry, you know.”
He clenched his jaw, needing to tell her that he forgave her, but he wasn’t sure exactly what he was exonerating her for. The fact she’d screwed up his mission? Cost him Alon? Betrayed her country?
Betrayedme? “I’ve spent the past six months trying not to love you.”
Her focus snapped back to him. “Did it work?”
God help him. “No.”
Her throat worked as she swallowed. “I’m sorry for that as well.”
Why? Because she didn’t love him anymore? For once, he wished he could climb inside her brain and understand her better. “Do you know how hard you fought me that night?”
Her eyes widened. “I fought you?”
He nodded. “You were…different. I tried to talk to you, find out why you were there, but you seemed totally detached, like you didn’t even know me. My hair was long and I wore a beard, but seriously, you didn’t recognize me, and tried to take me out when I insisted you leave with me. That’s why I had to resort to the injection. I didn’t want to. You honestly don’t remember punching me in the face?”
Shock showed in her expression. “I wouldneverdo that.” She shook her head in dismay. “Why was I there?”
“That’s what we have to figure out. Do you still think it had to do with my mission to grab Alon?”
She shrugged and threw her pen down. “During my debriefing, they never gave me a chance to figure it out. I told him I couldn’t remember, so they assumed I was lying and that I had gone to the other side. One of my interrogators tried to get me to admit I was a double agent under deep cover. Can you imagine?”
He straightened. “How do we restore your memory?”
Her pause and subsequent heavy sigh suggested she wasn’t happy to share. Or possibly not happy about what it would entail. “There are three major classifications of memory: sensory, short-term, and long-term. As they imply, sensory comes from the world around us, short-term involves fifteen to thirty second time spans, and long-term allows us to store information and retrieve it after longer intervals. Our working memory performs the processing of all of these, and information can be retrieved consciously or unconsciously.”
He sort of followed that. “Okay, and?”
“There are two probabilities for the reason I have blocked that night—something scared me so bad that I don’t want to remember it, or the drugs screwed me up. What happened is in here”—she tapped her head—“but it’s subconscious at the moment. I think hypnotherapy may be my only option to retrieve it.”
A surge of expectation made him smile. She was an expert at hypnosis with her Trident therapy. “Great. Then we can get to the bottom of this.”
“Potentially, yes, but don’t get your hopes up.”
“Why not?”
“I can’t hypnotize myself, so I’ll need someone who’s experienced to do it, and who Beatrice will give her okay to. It can’t be just anyone. I’m dead to the world, remember? If another psychologist puts me under and retrieves information that is sensitive or endangers any of us, it would put SFI, and Cal and Beatrice, in a bad situation.”
He hadn’t thought of that. “Can’t Jax or Parker do it? They’re both doctors.”
She rocked in the chair, those full lips of hers working to the side once more. “Parker maybe. She’s had similar training. I would need practice volunteers, though, to show her my method.”
If only he could wipe the worry off her face and get that smile she’d worn earlier back. The way she gnawed her bottom lip told him how much pressure she was feeling. “You don’t have to do it, you know. In the end…” Was he really about to admit this? “I don’t care why you were there, and I know now you had no control over the fact they silenced you and made all of us believe you were dead.” He’d just admitted he didn’t care if shewasa traitor. Holy fuck balls. He’d spent his whole life wanting to be a soldier. Then to join the SEALs. To dedicate himself to protecting those who couldn’t protect themselves. “If you want to leave that buried, fine. You and I can move forward, regardless.”
“I don’t think so.” She gave him a weak smile and his stomach fell.
“Why not?”
“Neither one of us has ever been the type to bury our head in the sand. We need to face this head on.”
Oh. She wasn’t telling him to get lost, that she didn’t love him anymore. Only that they needed answers. Relief swamped him. She was definitely getting some of her old spunk back. “I’ll help however I can. I’ll recruit some of the guys to let Parker practice on them. Therapy itself is an uncomfortable thing; hypnosis is ten times worse. But I’m sure I can convince at least one or two.”
