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But today I get in bed fully clothed. I stay on my side of the mattress. I’m careful not to wake her. I know she needs her rest. But the dragon in my stomach has dissolved into apool of dread. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Rationally, I know we really are safe. We really are fine.
Until we’re not.
I can’t sleep. Instead, I lie awake and relive the moments I thought I’d lost Maren and the baby over and over again. I imagine what it would be like to actually lose them.
And over and over again, the pain hollows me out.
Just thethoughtof it. That’s enough to make me want to die.
An idea crosses my mind. I can’t get rid of it.It’s happening again, and I’m not going to survive it this time.
I can’t do this.
I can’t fucking lose the woman I love on terms that aren’t mine and not die.
But if I can take control—prepare myself, keep my distance—it might hurt a little less.
If I loved Maren less, losing her won’t hurt as much. Right?
I’m not in my right mind. Deep down I know that. But I still latch onto the plan like a drowning man latches onto a life vest.
I can be there for Maren when it comes to meeting her physical and financial means. That’s easy. But everything else—that’s asking for heartache. And I’ve had enough of that to last a lifetime.
twenty-seven
. . .
Maren
Ghosts
I feel betterwith each passing day.
Luckily, neither the cramping nor the bleeding have returned. I read that lots of women experience a second trimester “boost” and they get their energy and appetites back after a first trimester plagued by exhaustion, nausea, and insomnia.
I’ve definitely found this to be true. I’m sleeping well, eating well, and generally feeling more like myself than I have in months. My bump has popped, and Katie and I love feeling the baby move together.
We also love to shop at our local Homegoods, where I pick out small things to accompany our interior designer’s concept for the nursery, and Katie picks out toys she and her brother or sister can play with together.
School is going all right. I’m not crushing it, but I am on schedule to graduate in May. I ordered a cap and gown for the ceremony, which Mom and Dad plan to attend. They’ve come over a couple times since the hospital to bring food andhang with Katie. Our visits have been a little tense, but at least it’s a step in the right direction.
Paige has been an incredible resource for figuring out what I want to do after graduation. She’s hooked me up with so many great people to talk to, from the dean of admissions at a local private school to the various coaches she employs at her gym.
For the first time in a while, I find myself getting excited about my future career. There are so many cool and impactful things other than teaching in a classroom that I can do with my educational background and experience. I just need to start.
Really, life would be pretty damn good if it weren’t for the glaring change in Tuck. Ever since the hospital, he’s been distant. He still feeds me. Still opens doors and refills my water glass. But outside of small talk, he hasn’t said a word to me. Not about anything real.
We also haven’t had sex. The man won’t eventouchme. At first, he said he didn’t want to risk me getting another bleed. But even after I was cleared by Dr. Yelich for sex, Tuck has kept to his side of the bed.
The sense of loss I feel is profound. It’s like my best friend went missing, or he underwent a lobotomy. A switch went off that night at the hospital, and no matter how many times I try to talk to him, try to ask him how he’s feeling or what’s going on inside his head, he refuses to acknowledge that anything’s wrong.
I was so scared of Tuck doing another one-eighty and going cold again. My worst fears are coming true.
“I’m just worried about you and the baby,” he’ll say. “Now sit down and put your feet up.”
Katie notices it too. He still has his moments of playfulness with her. But they’re short, and few and far between. She’ll ask him to cuddle with her, which he would do all thetime before the hospital. But these days, he’ll just give her a hug before saying some bullshit about having to work.
I do my best to compensate for him. It seems like my belly gets bigger and more unwieldy every day, but I still get on the floor with Katie. We still practice our cheers. I cuddle with her every chance I get.
