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I have to agree with her. That’s the thing, though. Tuckwasthe best. He was the best at everything: making me feel seen, making me feel special. He was helping me chart out a whole new future, for crying out loud. One that feltrightin a way the others I’ve tried on never did.
Why go through all that effort if he ultimately didn’t want me? No, scratch that. I know he wants me. He’s just not allowing himself to have me, because that would mean he’s vulnerable.
Scared the shit out of me, he said about our visit to the ER. Was that because he cares so much—he wants me so badly—that losing me would destroy him? That makes sense if the teddy bear inside him really does exist.
Maybe Tuck’s only being an asshole because he’s terrified of getting hurt again. But then that begs the question, why let me in in the first place? Why take a chance if he knew he’d ultimately play it safe?
And why not talk to me about it like an adult, instead of throwing up his walls again? Do I really want to be with a man who pulls shit like that?
“You’re not wrong,” I say thickly to Mom. “But what I’m trying to say is that this is so unlike him. I can’t figure it out. Even if I could, I don’t think it would matter. He’s not reaching out. Not in a meaningful way.” I nod at my phone on the nightstand. “A good man would.”
“Good men do stupid things sometimes,” Mom replies. “Don’t count him out for one mistake. Let’s take it a day at a time. An hour at a time if we have to.”
Tears roll down my cheeks and fall silently on the bedspread. Mom pulls me in for a hug.
I lean my head against her shoulder. “This is not the happy ending I pictured for myself.”
“Then it’s not the end. Be patient. And stay here for as long as you’d like. We’ve missed you.”
Mom and Dad wanted to cancel the dinner they’re supposed to attend tonight with a group of local friends.
“We can’t leave you alone like this,” Dad said. “Why don’t we put on our pajamas and order in?”
But I managed to assure them I really would be fine alone for a few hours. To be honest, I kinda want to be alone. Not only so I can binge watchGreat British Bakeoff—I love Paul Hollywood and Prue together—but also so I can cry without worrying I’m totally freaking out my parents. I can tell they’re very worried. Which I get, because I’ve never really broken down this way before. Sure, I’d have occasional meltdowns over school or cheer. But those were nothing like this, an event so cataclysmic it’s left me a limp pile of bones.
I went from my bed to the couch, and only got up to pee. Mom and Dad brought me food, which I’ve picked at, eating enough to keep any nausea at bay.
All day, I think about Tuck and Katie. At lunch, I wonder what Katie is eating. Mac’n’cheese with peas, or dino nuggets? Did she take a nap? If she didn’t, what movie or TV show did she watch during quiet time? Did Tuck lie down with her? How’s she doing with her poop? I hope he remembers to mix Miralax into her water bottle. He usually does, but he’s not himself right now, so who knows.
Did he sleep naked last night?
Did he sleep at all?
Is he still planning on coming to my ultrasound on the twenty-second?
How am I going to raise a baby on my own?
And how am I going to ever get off this couch again if Tuck was for real when he said he couldn’t do this?
I startle when my phone rings a little after six. It’s Jen, trying to FaceTime me. My stomach dips.
Wiping my eyes, I sit upright and answer. Katie’s sweet little face fills the screen. She’s wearing a headband withglittery turquoise cat ears on it, a bunch of necklaces, and a Spiderman costume.
It’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.
“Hi Mare!” she cries.
I smile. “Hey, Katie Bear! Whatcha doing?”
“I’m playing with Auntie Jen. We’re doing foil art.”
“Foil art? That sounds fun.”
“When are you coming back? Daddy says you went away for a day.”
Clearing my throat, I tuck my hair behind my ears. “Well. We’ll see. But I miss you so, so much.”
“I miss you too,” she singsongs. “Can we do pom-poms when you get back?”
