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I grimace. “That’s tough.”
She sniffles. My stomach twists. Girl needs a hug. But Ican’t be the one to give it to her. I’m practically naked for one thing.
She’s my daughter’s nanny for another. The nanny Katie already adores.
Plus, I like how Maren trusts me enough to confide in me this way. She trusts me, period. Which means I have to be the adult in the room and keep boundaries in place.
We can share truths. We absolutely cannot engage in any kind of physical contact if my body’s reaction to today’s cheer lesson is any indication.
“I’ll figure it out.” She laughs, wiping her eyes. “Sorry for the sob story.”
“Apology not necessary. That’s some intense shit.” I rest my elbows on the railing. Now that my eyes have adjusted to the darkness, I can really see the stars. Even the tiny ones that look like specks of cosmic dust. “I had a good time when I was your age. Worked hard, played harder. Being in the Navy, I got to travel. But I wouldn’t go back to my early twenties if you paid me. Making your way in the world, figuring yourself out—it’s fucking hard.”
I feel her eyes on me again. “Does it get any easier?”
Scoffing, I shake my head. “It’s like parenthood. Every stage is hard, but in different ways. Gets better in some aspects, worse in others. Silver lining is that you learn to block out all the noise and listen to yourself. I can hear myself better now if that makes sense, so I fuck up less. I know what I want, and I go after it. Angst is out of the picture.”
For the most part, anyway.
The elegant lines of her throat work as she swallows. “You make it sound so simple.”
“It’s not. But I don’t think it’s supposed to be.”
Maren turns her body to face me. Her bare knee brushes against my leg, sending a bolt of lust straight to my dick.
“Sorry,” we say at the same time.
She laughs. “Jinx. Second time today we’ve said the same thing.”
What am I, a horny teenager? A simple touch shouldn’t send my pulse into overdrive. Neither should the fucking delicious way this girl smells. That fresh, flowery scent surrounds me.
“What’s keeping you up late?” she asks, eyes searching my face.
You.
“Work,” I reply. But after the truths Maren shared, that answer feels cheap. “And I worry about Katie a lot. Her not having a mom. Girls need their mothers, you know? And hers has chosen not to be in her life.”
Well, that’s one hell of a truth bomb I just dropped.
I don’t ever get to talk like this. Openly. Without interruption.
I also don’t let my guard down. But here I am, opening up as easily as if Maren and I have been friends for years.
I wait for Maren to balk. To exhibit some kind of discomfort that she’ll try to hide with a laugh or a joke or abless your heart.
Instead, the furrow in her brow deepens. “Thatis some intense shit. I’ll hold space for your worry. I’m close with my mom, and I don’t know what I’d do without her.”
I look away. Look at the stars. I’ll never forget all those sleepless nights I spent looking out the nursery window, newborn Katie in my arms. I’d beg those same stars to keep my family together.
To keep Becca from leaving.
They didn’t do shit for me then. Silly to think they’d help me now.
“I try my best to be both for her. Mom and Dad. But I know I’ll never be able to fill those shoes.”
Maren lays a hand on my forearm. Her touch is gentle butsure. Steady. Looking up, I see steadiness in her eyes too. Gentleness. “I’ll borrow a line from you and say maybe you’re not meant to fill those shoes. You can’t be two people at once. But I don’t think Katie needs you to be. She just needs you to love her for who she is. To show up, be around. And from what I’ve seen so far, you’re absolutely rocking it. The fact that you’re losing sleep over this shows you’re enough. You care enough to be here and to work your ass off to give Katie a really wonderful life. So don’t beat yourself up over choices someone else made, because you only have control over what you do.”
The certainty in her words, her eyes, her expression—almost makes me believe what she’s saying.
